JUST  A  WORD 

This  collection  was  started  as  a  scrap-book  for  personal 
use,  but  has  been  revised  and  expanded  to  make  it  suit- 
able for  publication.  Obviously  very  little  claim  can  be 
made  for  the  originality  of  the  material,  as  nearly  every- 
thing in  the  volume  was  taken  from  current  literature 
or  from  suggest.ons  furnished  by  friends  and  public 
speakers.  I  wish  especially  to  express  my  thanks  to  the 
following  periodicals  which  permitted  the  use  of  humor 
from  their  files:  The  Literary  Digest,  New  York;  The 
Christian  Register,  Boston;  The  Country  Gentleman, 
Philadelphia;  Colliers,  The  National  Weekly,  New  York; 
The  Earth  Mover,  Aurora,  111.;  The  Illinois  Teacher, 
Springfield,  111.;  The  American  Legion  Monthly,  Tsew 
York;  Life,  New  York;  The  Pathfinder,  Washington,  L. 
C;  The  Epworth  Herald,  Chicago;  and  the  Boston  Tran- 
script, Boston. 

J.  Hal  Connor 


INDEX 

(All  references  are  to  joke  numbers  and  not  to  page  numbers) 

Absent-Mi  ided— 98,  212,  277,  303,  351,  379,  452,  490,  537,  553 
Advertisin  g— 337,  415 
Age— 249,  283,  295,  381 
Amateur- -266,  471 
Anatomy — 347 
Appetite—  227,  301,  521,  540 

Artist— 125,  323  • 

Babies— 5,  47,  92,  134,  160,  333,  336,  414,  437,  455,  488,  538,  547 
Bald  Heads— 79,  130,  405,  598 
Bargains— 83,  211,  290,  334,  444 
Bills— 339,  419,  473,  509 
Board— 142,  153 
Boss— 8 

Bride— 275.  312,  325 
Budget- 
Business — 324 
Butcher— 85,  444 
Capital  Punishment — 189 
Cards— 251 
Children— 16,  79,  92,  94,  107,  113,  117,  190,  194,  195,  200,  213,  217,  238, 

360,  376,  377,  521,  587 
Cigars— 213,  434 
College— 319 
Convicts— 133,  164,  446 

Cocks— 10,  44,  73,  78,  150,  218,  248,  262,  312,  329,  463 
Courtesy— 103,  220,  446  ,451 
Credit— 225,  315,  486,  548,  599 
Curiosity— 23 
Damages — 24 
Dentist — 154,  554 

Diagnosis— 203,  353,  430,  456,  468,  519,  539 

Doctor— 20,  48,  52,  86,  99,  134,  139,  151,  167,  172,  270,  409,  411,  430,  470 
Economy— 230,  259,  549,  (See  also  Scotch) 
Editor— 82 
Education — 43,  582 
Efficiency — 354 
Evolution— 138,  206 
Excuses — 274 

Familiar  Quotations— 602,  708 
Fat— 102 

Father-Son-Daughter— 15,  145,  168,  188,  227,  420,  462,  479,  601 
Fighting— ]  8,  34,  252 
Fishing— 20,  169,  471 
Flattery— .°>08,  310 


,'°s  -"~f 


Flivver— 385 

Fortune-Teller — 51 

Frankness— 37,  181    191,  192,  197,  292,  229,  286,  299,  389, 

Golf— 111,  245,  392.  505,  531,  571 

Grammar— 114,  533,  584 

Gratitude — 496 

Groom— 229,  287,  435 

Habit— 6 

Heaven — 338 

Henhouse— 2,  25,  2f9.  293,  442,  482 

Hereafter— 39,  138,  141,  361,  397,  406,  489,  545,  563,  567 

Hint— 371 

Hobo— 147,  342,  329,349 

Hotel— 1"3.  481,  541,  578 

Husband— 63,  78,  119,  137,  187,  189,  191,  218,  224,  242,  244,    388,     391, 

421,  426,  448,  535   555 
Identification— 322 
Indignant — 314 
Inheritance — 9,  62 
Insurance; — 232,  461 

Irish— 12,  53,  34,  203,  216,  230,  249,  293,  350,  384,  387,  416,  4.f3,  436,  461 
Jew— 96,  97,  180,  2(»7,  241,  259,  324,  330,  447,  593 
Judge— 105,  277,  483,  514 
Lawyer— 18,  106,  1  "0,  236,  255,  573 
Lazy— 158,  528 
Liars— 126,  335,  369,  407,  418 
Logic— 198,  487 

Lovers— 30,  35,  58,  36,  149,  214,  261,  279,  300,  359,  575 
Luck— 121 
Manners— 320 
Matrimony— 1,  21,  31,  38,  58,  55,  81,  91,  95,  100,  136,  163,  18.1,  201,  219, 

221,  235,  275,  284    317,  559 
Meanness — 332 
Minister— 243,  366, 

Mistaken  Identity--J9,  110,  131,  159,  278,  311,  373,  519 
Mother-in-Lav— 2S3,  298,  478 

Motorist— 17,  32,  1,19,  146,  220,  223,  254,  297,  343,  380,  440,  ^98,  501 
Mule— 77,  216,  268,  2*0,  599 
Negro— 3,  6,  24,  25,  43,  57,  65,  69,  7f>,  77,  91,  i04,  121.     122,     155,     158, 

161,  171,  186,  197.  215,  233,  257,  280.  282,  289,  301,  309,  31   , 

344,  3S6,  467,  495,  512,  514,  536,  517,  564,  588.  594 
Newrich— 72,  267 
Observation — 146 
Office  Boy— 245,  326 
Old  Maid— 59 

Orator— 115,  209,  234,  526,  562,  566,  595 
Plumber— 550 


Poets— 50,  199 

Poker— 128,  438,  583 

Politics— 196,  263,  264,  276,  285,  400 

Popularity — 157 

Prayers— 213,  413,  443 

Precautions — 156,  175 

Proficiency — 49  7 

Prohibition— 2,  13,  84,  105,  116,  120,  152,  171,  173,  222,  237,     256,     272, 

302,  357,  366,  431,  474,  476,  494,  544 
Proposal— 60,  123,  172,  305,  372  ,507,  510,  559 
Punishment— 9,  140  • 

Radio— 13 

Real  Estate— 367,  493,  568,  591 
Reformer — 76 
Religion — 495 
Reputation — 77,  365 
Resolutions — 318 

Revenge— 247,  253,  268,  441,  492,  513 
Salesman— 80,  29,  105,  132,  135,  354,  439,  569 
Saxophone — 307 
School— 176,  265,  453,  469,  558 
Scientists — 14,  166 
Scotch— 33,  40,  61,  71,  101,  141,  185,  232,    331,  375,  .394,  406,  529,  574, 

580,  600 
Servants— 28,  49,  56,  68,  90,  368,  460,  465 
Shopping— 231 
Slang — 55 
Society— 240 

Soldier— 42,  69,  126,  157,  387,  425,  467,  495,  524,  525,  536 
Sports— 41,  352,  358,  586 
Stenographer— 348,  59 
Stocks— 306 
Stork— 292,  c51 

Styles— 87,  8),  281,  454,  466,  502 
Telephone— 239 
Tough— 174,  258,  500,  576 
Traffic— 12,  129,  390 
Triplets— 333,  363 
Truthfulness— 190,  200 
Undertaker— 124,  191,  516 
Vacations— 33,  45,  74,  304,  464 
Waiter— 27,  44 
War— 118,  396 
Widow— 269,  286,  403 
Wife— 51,  54,  63,  74,  95,  100,  108,  177,  184,  228,  252,  260,  262,  294,  302, 

346,  362,  370,  378,  398,  428,  458,  485,  503,  512,  522,  530,  563,  565,  571 
Writers— 374,  584 


JUG  O'  FUN 

1  JOKER  IX  THE  DECK 

m2a"eA"d  !  agrej  d,that  after  w*  were  married  I  should  decide    all 
major  questions,  and  she  would  decide  the  minor  ones  " 
How  has  it  worked  out?" 
"We  have  been  married  three  years,  and  I  am  grateful  to  sav    therP 
have  been  no  major  questions."  5        ere 

2  BOTTLED  IN  BOND 

iou^pattn"1131  ^  ^  ***  °f  my  ccnstitut-n  ?"  demanded  an  anx- 
The  physician  cleared  his  throat  diplomatically 

3  FASTER  THAN  FLIES 

n  JrW°f-  l0rrd  mPn1_who  had  robbed  a  farmer's    henhouse    were      dis 

4  SAY  THIS  QUICKLY 

re^^rSi^"^  ^  *"*-"  ^  She  ~d    -ry       di- 

"wTv-a^^falt^/^6  Said  -°  ?G ,*""*  man  behind  thf  counter. 

nnw  w     w >  faltered  the  surprised  clerk,  blushing-,  "I'm  busy  rieht 
now,  but  what's  your  telephone  number?"  Y      g 

5  FISH  STORY 

hn?n°bpyi:ldad  l0V6S  ':°  *?sh  and  got  a  ^00d  l™^  when  little     Billv  was 

;;Of  course.  Why  not?"  asked  his  mother. 
Well,  he  s  so  small  I  thought  maybe  we'd  have  to  put  him  back." 

6  FORCE  OF  HABIT 

me^Ttfld  you™^  *  ^^  ^~^er,  why  didn't  you     call 

thfiv  Pi^  Ca>-  Poi;ter-Ah'  did  lady.  Ah  sho'  did.  Ah.    *ade     "Seben 
thirty,  ma'am,"  and  you  sade,  "Line's  busy."  ^eben- 

7  u  SURRENDER 

"But  surely,"  persisted  an  indefatigable  charity  worker   "vor     n»r>>* 
S&*  ^  JUSt  a  little  t0  the  causae.     I  ask  nothing    but   CTJ 


clothes.''  ^  ^'^     X  ask  nothing    but     your     old 

"Very  well,  madam,"  sighed  the  harassed     hou 
kindly  step  out  of  the  room  while  I  remove  them 


— 2— 

3  THE  TYPE  CONTRACTORS  CRY  FOR 

The  foreman  had  come  across  Bill  slacking  and  smoking  on  his  job, 
and  spoke  his  mind  thus:  "Look  here,  Bill.  This  'er's  a  contract  job, 
and  it  ought  ter  'ave  been  finished  by  now.  Jest  shove  that  pipe  away 
an'  get  on  wiv  yer  work,  else   t  will  be  the  sack  for  you." 

"Well,"  said  Bill,  deliberately,  "yer  know  Rome  wasn't  built  in  a 
day." 

''Don't  want  none  o'  yer  back  answers,"  said  the  foreman.  He 
paused  and  then  added,  "Side.;,  I  wasn't  the  foreman  on  that  job 
neither." 

9  PUNISHMENT 

There  lives  an  old  Negro  truck  farmer  in  Alabama  who  has  fre- 
quent occasion  to  reprove  his  children  for  their  lack  of  industry. 

"Yo'  suttinly  is  a  wuthless  son,"  he  declared  one  day  to  his  oldest 
"It's  a  doggone  good  thing  fo'  yo'  I  ain't  rich." 

"What  yo'  talkin'  'bout,  pap  ? "  asked  the  youth.  "What  yo'  think 
yo'  do  ef  yo'  was  rich?" 

"Ah'd  disinherit  yo'—  dat's  what  Ah'd  do!" 

10  NOTHING  SERIOUS 

Hubby — Say,  dear;  here's  a  button  in  my  stew. 

Wifey — Oh,  that  must  have  been  a  typographical  error.  The  cook- 
book said  "button"  plainly  enough — but  I  think  now  that  it  was  in- 
tended for  "mutton." 

11  A  BETTER  PLACE 

It  was  at  the  mano livers.  "Bang!"  went  the  rifles. 

"Oo "  screamed  a  pretty  girl — a  nice  surprised    little    scream — 

as  she  stepped  back  right  into  the  arms  of  a  young  man. 

"Oh!"  she  explained,  blushing  furiously,  "I  was  so  startled  by  the 
rifles;  I  beg  your  pardon." 

"Oh,  that's  perfectly  all  right,"  said  the  young  man.  "Let's  go  over 
and  watch  the  artillery." 

12  TRAFFIC  LOGIC 

Boss:  "Mike,  how  did  the  accident  happen?" 

Mike:  "Well,  boss,  ye  see,  'twas  like  this:  I  was  drivin'  me  truck  up 
State  Street,  when  I  had  to  stop  suddenly,  and  a  fellow  in  a  big 
Packard  crashed  into  the  rear  end  of  me  truck.  Shure  it  didn't  hurt 
his  machine  very  much,  but  he  jumped  off  and  ran  up  to  me,  and 
shakin'  his  phist,  said:  'Hey,  you  little  Harp,  why  didn't  you  put  out 
your  hand?'  'Put  out  me  hard?'  says  I.  'Ye  dang  fool,  if  ye  couldn't 
see  the  truck,  how  the  devil  could  ye  see  me  hand?" 

13  SHE  TUNED  HIM  OUT 

Irate  Wife  (discovering  husband  on  front  steps  fiddling  with  door 
knob):  "What  are  you  doing  there,  Webster?" 

Husband  (continuing  to  turn  knob):  "Sshhh!  I'm  tryin  to  get 
Pittsburgh." 

14  A  COMMON  SPECIES 

An  amateur  hunter  in  the  Adirondacks  had  just  taken  a  shot  at  a 
moving  object  he  took  to  be  big  game,  and  had  sent  his  guide  forward 
to  see  what  he  had  brought  down.  "What  is  the  name  of  the  species?" 
asked  the  novice  as  \he  guide  returned. 

"Well,  sir,"  replied  the  guide  suavely,  "I've  just  investigated  and  he 
says  his  name  is  Smith." 


— 3— 

ir  THE  DIFFERENCE 

"Th  main  difference  'twixt  me  an'  my  boy  Jim/'  explained  a  Kan- 
sas farmer,  "is  that  when  I  put  in  a  day  at  work  I  don  t  feel  like 
ronnf™round  nights,  and  when  Jim  puts  in  a  night  runnm'  'round  he 
don't  feel  much  like  workin'  days.' 

16  DID  HIS  BEST 

"  So  that  little  Brown  boy  gave  you  another  black  eye?"  mquired 
the  mother.  "That  settles  it!  You  must  quit  playing  with  him. 

"Se  whiz,  ma!"  protested  the  bruised  child.  "I  wasn't  playin'  with 
him  this  time.  That  kid's  got  skill!" 

17  THE  COP  KNEW  HISTORY? 

A  motorist  was  stopped  by  a  policeman  on  account    of    poor  lights 
"I'll  have  to  take  your  name,  sir." 
"John  Smith,"  was  :he  reply. 
"Don't  try  that  on  me,  sir,"  warned  the  man  in  blue.    I    want    your 

proper  name  and  address."  .  _.. 

"Then  if  you  must  have  it,  it's  Abraham  Lincoln,     Springfield,    Illi- 

n0"Thank  you,  sir,'  said  the  policemai.,  jotting  it  down.  "Sorry  to  have 
troubled  you."  .  . 

"Don't  mention  it,"  said  the  motorist  driving  on. 

18  ASTUTE  CHILD  . 

"Son,"  asked  the  lawyer,  "what  made  you  behave  so  nicely  today  . 
"Oh,  I  knew  you'd  cross-examine  me  and  call    in    an  eyewrsness  or 
two,"  replied  the  wise  kid. 

19  AND  THEN— 

The  discharged  soldier  hastened  gladly  home  to  see  his  wile.  Me 
found  her  polishing  the  kitchen  stove,  and  slipped  quietly  up  and  put 
his  arms  around  her.  . ,      .,, 

"Two  quarts  of  milk  and  a  pint  of  cream  tomorrow,  she  said  with- 
out looking  up. 

20  DOSING  THE  MEDICOS 

Doctor— How  are  my  10  patients  this  morning? 
Nurse— Nine  of  them  died,  Doctor. 
Doctor— That's  funny.  I  left  medicine  for  10. 

21  LIMITED  ETERNITY 

"Papa,"  said  Little  Willie,  "This  story  says:  'They  lived  happily  for- 
ever after.' How  long  is  forever?  r^Mcro     it's 

"It's  different  in  difFerent  sections,  my  son.  Here  m  Chicago  it  s 
about  three  weeks." 

22  STUNG! 

A  small  bov  came  hurriedly  down  the  street,  and  halted  breathless- 
ly in  front  of  a  stranger  who  was  walking  in  the  same  direction. 

"Have  you  lost  half  a  dollar?"  he  osked.  . 

"Yes,  yes,  I  believe  I  have!"  said  the  stranger,  feeling  m  his  pock- 
ets. "Have  you  found  one?"  ,    ^ 

"Oh,  no,"  said  the  toy,  "I  just  want  to  find  out  how  many  have  boon 
lest  today.  Yours  makes  55,"  % 


23  IT  KILLED  A  CAT 

Rastus — Where  you  been? 
Mose — Lookin'  foh  work. ' 

Rastus-Man!  Youah  cu'osity's  gwine  git  you  inter  trubble  yit! 
24A  DAMAGES  AND  REPAIRS 

in  JT°  WTr  °^ammoth  proportions  and  inky  complexion  was 

dal^s'Mrs'l"^  *  **  t0  ^^  *  c™*erable  amount  of 

S^T^T  Said  Mrs-  Johnson-  "What  Ah  wont  wif  damages?  Ah 
got  enough  damages  now.  What  Ah  wants  is  repairs."     aamageS  '   An 

2;L,   f,  r         t  FOUL  PLAY 

a  iud!/pnnf \        /^  t°1  thu  workho^e  for  chicken  stealing?"  inquired 

;;Yassuh,"  admitted  the  prisoner.  "Fo'  ninety  days." 

"WeU  suT  dPvynihtget  °Ut  S2  S"°nJ  That  was  only  three  d^s  *«o.» 

we  1,  sun,  dey  put  me  m  a  ha'nted  cell  wiv  a    ghost     so    Ah     i«q» 

nacherly  suspended  mah  sentence."  '  JCS 


FISHY 

fishTYptwr  ^l  lWent  fi8hing  and  cau^toneof    those    great    big 
nsh--let  s  see,  what  is  it  you  call  them?"  8 

^Oh,  you  mean  a  whale." 

"No,  that  couldn't  have  been  it;  I  was  using  whales  for  bait." 

2LU.  .  OBLIGING 

"I  wflAT  T  *  fit  ^°r  a/f '"  said  the  indignant  customer. 
I  will  take  it  away,"  said  the  waiter,  "and  bring  you  some  tkat  is." 

2!w,       ...       EDUCATION'S  SOMETHING  FIERCE 

pro^^fi^™  y°Ur  kSt  PlaCe?"  ^"^  MrS-  GrabC°in     °f    th* 

"They  was  too  high  brow  for  me,"  he  answered.  "They  was  alwavs 

fight*    and  fussin'  nd'  it  kept  me  busy  runnin'  from  the  keyhoTt "to 

the  dictionary  so  I  got  mad  an'  quit."  Keynoia  to 

2l  PAGE  THE  PORTER 

Mother,  did  daddy's  name  used  to  be  Pullman'?" 
^No,  dearie,  why  do  you  ask?" 
"Well,  I  just  wondered;  I  see  that  name  on  most  of  his  towels." 

30  NO  HURRY 

A  pair  of  bashful  lovers,  waiting  to  go  home  from  a  happv  niffht  at 
a  big  city  park,  saw  a  crowded  street  car  pull  up.  * 

Do  you  think  we  can  squeeze  in  there?"  he  asked 

Don't  you  think  we'd  better  wait  until  we  get    home,    dear*?"    wa* 
her  embarrassed  reply.  '       ear '       was 

31  NEXT! 

whtnyou?e^  that    ™    *J 

Skeesix;  "Huh!  I  married  one  of  them," 


— 5— 
**  .  HELP  WANTED 

-net/SS*—  °Ut  fr°m  U"der  the  dead 
33  u  TAKING  NO  CHANCE 

the  W0skX"Ve  had  a  gUfd  dlnner  f°r  twaed-saxpence,  and  Fm  na  takin' 
3*       ,     ,    tlj  NOTHING  TO  HIM 

«£?■•£:  a«p  2lS  sssr"  "sw  in  wh,d'  "•  — ■>■'"«•■ 

3L  .    ..        .    UNDER  ANOTHER  NAME 

h.mDo  you  beheve.n  fate?"  he  whispered,  as  she  snuggled    eloser    to 

to 'hapten  jJSnSJSS*  "n0t  "MeU''  but  *  d°  k™  that  what's  going 

3Lura     CnnlH       EUMINATING  LOST  MOTION 

birthdayT         '  y°U  SUgg6St  SOmethin^  s«taWe  for    a    girl    friend's 

Clerk— How  about  these  book  ends  ? 
the  regin-nfng.4  *"  "^  She  *lways  reads  the  ends  before  she  does 

3Lt„  ,  REASSURING 

w  atc.^  t^r^-^r;^ a — 

butt^unTniL^th^x '"d^br°theh  WaS  *— -  *-»  las'  week, 

3S,       t.    ,  VERBOTEN 

MrS-pXy:"I^lyT  think  °lme  WhUe  ^  »«  away?" 
lute  rest"  y-     "  "^  4°'  de3r'  bUt  the  doetor  -id  I  nfust  have  abso- 

3"w  ],    ,l    ,,  DOUBTFUL 

r~2ttJSJS£  £*££$**  °"  h"  -rival,  "What  „ 

dJto&ti  3ffi?  tHe  S6rVant'  "[  Sh°Uld  "<*  »*•  to  say,  si,  He 

4Twn  w  i.  u  ,  S,TILL  ANOTHER  ONE 

^t^tZ^^i^^^r^y  and  had  agreed 

ov^ned  an  a,arm  clock,  but  he  i^^Z™^  Tr£*£ 

"Mac,"  he  said,  "when  the  clock  g-o^  nff  pit  ~«± 
a  public  telephone.  But,  for  Lord's  sak 'be  ll     UP/5d  ^    ^     on 
so  I  can  get  my  nickel  back."  '     G  SURi  and  don  *  answer  it, 


41  STICKLER  FOR  SPORTMANSHIP 

She  didn't  understand  football-  "Why  did  they  stop  that    man    and 
knock  him  down  as  soon  as  he  touched  the  ball  :"  she  asked. 
"Became  he  was  trying  to  get  a  goal/'  her  brother  explained. 
-But  isn't  the  object  of  the  game  to  get  goals? 

"Yes;  but  he  was-you  see,  he's  on  the  other  side.  He  was  going  the 
wrong-  wav — that  is,  towards  the  wrong  goal. 

"WeM,  I  don't  see  why  they  should  knock  him  down  to  tell  him  that 
Everybody  makes  mistakes." 
42  THE  CAUTIOUS  VETERAN 

The  flapper  whispered  that  his  eyes 

Were  such  a  perfect  blue; 
She  told  him  that  his  heart  was  staunch 

And  kind  and  brave  and  true. 
She  raved  about  his  raven  hair, 

His  manly  form — all  that — 
And  said  she  knew  he'd  wealth,  he  looked 

Such  an  aristocrat. 
Just  what  she  sought  he  never  knew; 

He  bolted  for  the  door 
And  veiled:  "Farewell— goodnight— good  bye— 
But  I've  been  gassed  before!"— Floyd  Wagaman. 

4o  WELL  RAISED 

A  negro  mammy  had  a  family  of  well-behaved  boys.  One  day  her 
mistress  asked:  "Sally,  how  do  you  raise  your  boys  so  well  I 

"lh'11  tel  you,  missus,"  answered  Sally,  "Ah  raise  'em  with  a  bar- 
rel stave  and  Ah  raise  'em  frequent!" 

44  COMIN  'UP 

Diner— Where's  the.';  chicken  I  ordered  an  hour  a^o?" 
Waitress— It'll  be  here  soon,  sir.  The  cook  hasn't  killed  it  yet,  but 
she's  gotten  in  a  coupls  of  nasty  blows. 

45  HIS  VACATION 
"How  did  you  spend  your  week's  vacation?" 

"I  spent  a  day  and  a  half  going  to  a  place  where  I  would  have  noth- 
ing to  do,  one  day  doing  nothing,  three  days  with  the  headache  from 
dofng  nothing,  and  a  day  and  a  half  getting  back  to  where  I  could  do 
something." 

46  DOUBLE  ACTION 

Little  George  went  with  his  father  to  see  a  young  colt.  He  patted 
the  colt's  head  and  made  quite  a  fuss  over  it  until  the  owner  told I  him 
to  be  careful  that  the  colt  did  not  turn  around  and  kick  him.  When  he 
returned  home  his  mother  asked  him  about  the  colt. 

"I  liked  him  nretty  well,"  was  the  reply.  "He's  very  tame  in  front, 
but  he's  awful  wild  behind."  

47  TELL  THE  BABY  n 
"You'll  have  to  take  less  strenuous  exercise  and    get    more    sleep, 

said  the  doctor  to  the  dejected  man  before  him. 

"That's  my  idea,  exactly,"  said  the  other.  "Would  you  mind  coming 
up  to  the  house  and  telling  that  to  the  baby?" 

48  PATIENTS  SHOULD  BE  PATIENT 
Patient— Oh,  Doctor,  if  I  could  only  die. 
Doctor— I'm  doing  my  best  for  you. 


—7— 

49  POLITICAL  COMPLICATIONS 

Mistress — "How  did  you  happen  to  leave  your  last  position?" 
New  Maid— "The  lady  fired  me." 
Mistress — "Ah,  she  was  dissatisfied?" 

New  Maid — "Naw.  She  was  a  sore-head.  I  "run  for  alderman  ag'in 
her  and  won." 

50  IN  SAFE  HANDS 

Poetess — That  poem  I  sent  you  contained  the  deepest  secrets  of  my 
soul. 

Editor — Have  no  fear,  madam;  no-one  shall  ever  find  them  out 
through  me. 

51  DANGEROUS  GROUND 

"If  you're  not  very  careful  you're  going  to  have  trouble  with  a  bru- 
nette," warned  the  fortune  teller. 

"Hm,"  mused  the  patron.  "That's  mv  wife.  What  makes  you  think 
I'll  have  trouble  with  her?" 

"There's  a  blonde  hair  on  your  coat." 

52  THOSE  WHO  DIDN'T  SURVIVE 

"We  doctors,"  said  the  pompous  surgeon  at  a  dinner  party,  "have,  I 
am  afraid,  many  enemies  in  this  world." 

"Oh,  but  far  more  in  the  next,"  someone  was  heard  to  whisper. 

53  MADE  IT  INTERESTING 

"You  are  charged  with  resisting  arrest,"  the  judge  announced 
sternly  to  the  red-headed  and  belligerent  prisoner. 

"Yer  Honor,"  the  latter  explained,  "the  officer  shouldn't  have  t'rown 
temptation  in  me  way  by  callin'  the  riot  squad." 

54  AN  INTERESTING  OFFER 

An  undersized  Italian  was  married  to  a  strapping  German  woman. 
Recertly  he  received  a  black  hand  letter  which  read,  "If  you  don't  give 
|1000  to  our  messenger  who  will  call  for  it  Sunday  we  will  kidnap  your 
wife."  He  replied  promptly,  "I  do  not  have  the  $1000,  but  your  proposi- 
tion interests  me  greatly." 

55  WE'LL  TELL  THE  WOILD 

Old  Gentlemen  (ignorant  of  nationality  of  his  neighbors) — "A  de- 
plorable sign  of  the  times  is  the  way  the  English  language  is  being 
polluted  bT-  the  alarming  inroads  of  American  slang.  Do  you  not 
agree?" 

His  Neighbor — "You  sure  slobbered  a  bibful,  sir" 

56  FAIR  E  CHANGE 

The  maid  was  leaving  and  her  mistress  said  to  her:  "Mary,  I 
should  like  to  give  you  a  good  reference,  but  my  conscience  compels 
me  to  state  that  you  never  got  the  meals  ready  at  the  proper  time. 
Now,  I  wonder  how  I  can  put  it  in  a  nice  way?" 

"Well,  ma'am,"  retorted  the  girl,  "you  can  say  I  got  the  meals  the 
same  as  I  got  my  pay." 


— 8— 

57  A  CCT  ORFUL  COMPLIMENT 

A  celebrated  white  preacher  had  been  engaged  to  address  the  con- 
gregation of  a  little  negro  church  and  was  being  introduced  by  the 
very  nervous  colored  pastor. 

"Sistern  and  bredren,"  he  began.  "It  affords  me  the  extremest 
oleasuah  to  introduce  de  speaker  of  de  evenin".  I  wants  to  explain,  dat 
while  his  skin  ain't  de  same  color  as  de  odders  heah,  I  assures  you  his 
heart  is  as  black  as  any  of  yourn." 

58  THE  FIRST  SHALL  BE  LAST 

"My  advice,"  orated  the  successful  business  man,  "is  to  work  hard 
•\nd  get  married." 

"Y-yes,  sir,"  stammered  the  nervous  beginner,  "but  ain't  your  idea 
kind  of  vice  versa?" 

59  ENCOURAGEMENT 

Stenographer:  "Officer,  catch  that  man  running  down  the  street,  he 
tried  to  kiss  me." 

"That'  all  right,  miss,"  said  the  cop,  soothingly;  "there  will  be  an- 
other along  in  a  minute." 

60  A  GENTLE  HINT 

They  sat  silently  for  a  long  time;  then  he  spoke  a  little  nervously. 
'What  aie  you  thinking  about?"  he  asked.  He  knew  he  had  to  say 
something. 

She  blushed  and  moved  uneasily  in  her  chair.  "Never  mind,"  she  an- 
swered sharply.  "It's  your  business  to  propose,  not  mine!" 

61  THAT'S  DIFFERENT 

After  a  salesman  had  sold  a  big  order  of  goods  to  the  Scotch  buyer 
for  a  Ch'cago  store,  he  sought  to  make  the  Scot  a  present  of  a  box  of 
cigars. 

"I'm*s(  rry  I  canna  accept,"  the  Scot  said,  "but  there's  a  rule  of  the 
hoose  th£  t  ye  canna  take  presents  from  salesmen." 

"Well,''  laughed  the  salesman,  "I'll  sell  them  to  you  for  five  cents 
then." 

"That'.'  different  now,"  the  canny  buyer  replied  after  taking  a  good 
snuff  at  the  box.  "I  can  buy  my  smokes  anywhere  I  please.  I'll  take 
four  boxes." 

61  JUST  AS  GOOD 

She  said  very  solemnly,  "I  cannot  marry  you  because  I  do  not  love 
you.  But  [  will  be  your  sister." 

"Good,  '  he  aswered,  with  a  triumphant  smile;  "and  how  much  do 
you  think  our  father  will  leave  us  when  he  dies?" 

63  IF  NECESSARY 

"If  you  had  it  to  do  over  again,  would  you  marry  me  dear?"  asked 
Mrs.  Nash. 

"Of  course,"  answered  her  brute  of  a  husband,  " — if  I  had  to  do  it 
over  again." 

64  THE  WAY  IT'S  DONE 

"Isn't  it  difficult  to  keep  a  budget  straight?"    asked    Mrs.    Bulford. 
"My,  dear,  it's  terrible!"  confided  Mrs.  Wisner.  "This  month    I  had 
to  put  in  four  mistakes  to  make  mine  balance." 


—9— 

65  READY  FOR  ACTION 

A  large  colored  washerwoman  was  being  married,  and  when  it  came 
her  turn  to  answer  the  questions,  the  parson  said,  "Susanna,  does  you 
take  this  yere  man  to  be  yo'  lawful  wedded  husban'  for  better  or  fo' 
wuss?"  "Jes  as  he  am,  Parson,  yes  as  he  am.  If  he  gits  any  better,  ah 
know  de  good  Lord's  gwine  to  take  him,  and  if  he  gits  any  wuss,  I'll 
attend  to  him  maself." 

66  MORE  TO  THE  POINT 

Papa — That  man  Jerry  stayed  very  late  last  night. 
Ann — Yes,  father,  I  was  showing  him  my  photo  album. 
Papa — Well,  the  next  time  he  wants  to  stay  so  late  show    him    my 
electric  light  bills. 

67  HER  QUALIFICATIONS 

"Your  bid  for  the  construction  of  twenty  miles  of  concrete  sidewalk 
is  under  consideration,"  a  city  official  informed  a  young  woman  who 
had  recently  gone  into  the  construction  business.  "May  I  ask  what  ex- 
perience  you  have  had  in  this  line?" 

"Absolutely  the  best,"  answered  the  fair  applicant.  "I've  been  mak- 
ing hotel  beds  all  my  life." 

68  THEY  FADED,  TOO 

Man  (in  sarch  of  his  wife)  "Bridget,  do  you  know  anything  of  my 
wife's  whereabouts?" 

Bridget — "Yis,  sor,  I  put  them  in  the  wash." 

69  HOME  SWEET  HOME 

Sambo,  who  had  had  several  weeks'  hard  life  on  a  French  battle- 
field, was  asked  bv  an  officer,  "Where  are  you  from,  Sambo?" 

"Ah's  frum  Alabama,  boss,"  said  Sambo  "and  if  Ah  ever  gets  back 
there  again  Ah'll  never  be  frum  there  no  mo',  boss." 

70  CAN  YOU? 

It's  easy  enough  to  be  pleasant 

When  life  never  gives  you  a  frown, 

But  the  man  worth  while 

Is  the  man  who  can  smile 

When  his  garters  are  coming  down. 

71  THE  WATCHWORD  IS  ECONOMY 

It  was  known  that  McSpriggins,  the  village  tightwad,  kept  his 
money  in  an  old  sock. 

"I  should  think,"  remarked  one  of  his  neighbors,  "that  a  careful 
man  like  you  would  keep  his  money  in  a  bank  rather  than  entrust  it 
to  a  worn  out  sock." 

"What!"  g  sped  McSpriggins.  "An'  let  the  sock  go  to  wast  ." 

72  EVERYTHING  TO  HARMONIZE 

Mrs.  Newrich  was  fond  of  flowers  and  especially  liked  the  salvia, 
but  was  not  very  reliable  in  getting  names  right.  She  was  giving  di- 
rections to  her  gardener.  "On  this  side  of  the  walk,'  she  said,  "I  want 
you  to  put  out  some  salivas.  Now  what  would  you  suggest  for  the 
other  side?" 

"Well,  madam,"  answered  the  gardener  solemnly,  "maybe  it  would 
be  a  good  idea  to  put  some  spittoonias  there." 


—10— 

73  UNSAVORY 

The  Governor  of  Arkansas  was  visiting  the  State  penitentiary.  A 
colored  woman  inmate  who  was  cooking  in  the  prison  kitchen  desired 
an  interview  with  him,  which  he  granted.  She  asked  for  a  pardon.  The 
Governor  asked  her: 

"What's  the  matter,  Auntie — haven't  you  a  nice  home  here?" 

"Yessir,"  she  replied,  "but  I  wants  out." 

"Don't  they  feed  you  well  here?" 

"Yessir,  I  gets  good  victuals;  dats  not  it." 

"Well,  what  makes  you  dissatisfied?" 

"It's  dis  way,  Guvner:  I's  jus'  dis  one  'jection  to  dis  place,  and  dat's 
de  reputation  it's  got  over  de  State." 

74  A  REST 

"And  you  are  going  to  take  a  vacation  when  your  wife  does?" 
"You  bet.  I'm  not  going  to  wash  a  single    dish  all    the    time    she's 
gone." 

75  FIFTY— FIFTY 

A  West  Virginia  darky,  a  blacksmith,  recently  announced  a  change 
in  his  business  as  follows: 

"Notice. — De  copardnership  heretofore  resisting  between  Me  and 
Mose  Skinner  is  hereby  resolved.  Dem  what  owe  de  firm  will  settle 
with  me,  and  dem  what  de  firm  owes  will  settle  with  Mose." 

76  RIGHT  BACK 

The  boy  was  robbing  a  bird's  nest  of  its  young  fledgeling  when  a 
woman  noticed  him. 

"You  wicked  boy!"  she  exclaimed.  "How  dare  you  rob  the  young 
birds  ?  What  will  their  poor  mother  think  when  she  knows  you  have 
stolen  her  brood?" 

"Better  ask  her,  ma'am!"  replied  the  boy.  "I  think  that's  her  stuck 
in  your  hat!" 

77  WEAK  ON  CURRENT  EVENTS 

Emanuel  Jackson,  mule  tender,  appeared  one  morning  on  crutches. 
"Lawsy!"  exclaimed  a  friend.  "Ah  thought  yo'  was  one  o'  de  bes'  mule 
han'lers  in  de  business." 

"So  Ah  is,"  affirmed  Emanuel  proudly,  "but  we  done  got  a  mule  in 
dis  mo'nin'  dat  didn't  know  mah  reppitation." 

78  A  NATURAL  MISTAKE 

A  married  couple  had  engaged  a  cook;  she  was  as  pretty  as  a  pic- 
ture, but  her  cooking  was  terrible,  and  one  morning  the  bacon  was 
burned  to  such  a  crisp  as  to  make  it  wholly  inedible. 

"Dear,"  said  the  wife  to  her  husband,  "I'm  afraid  the  cook  has 
burned  the  bacon.  You'll  have  to  be  satisfied  with  a  kiss  for  breakfast 
this  morning." 

"All  right,"  responded  the  husband,  "bring  her  in." 

79  CIRCUMSTANTIAL  EVIDENCE 

"Uncle,"  asked  the  pride  of  his  doting  relatives,  "are  you  still 
growing?" 

"No,  Johnny,  why  do  you  ask?" 

"Cause  the  top  of  your  head  sticks  up  beyond  your  hair." 


—11— 

80  ECHO  FROM  CHRISTMAS 

At  a  book  store:  "Have  you  any  fairy  tales?" 

New  Clerk:  "Say,  lady,  you  can't  kid  me.  I  guess  I  know  fairies  ain't 
got  no  tails." 

81  CONGRATULATIONS 

A  young  man  who  had  been  wandering  about  the  City  Hall  for  half 
an  hour  was  getting  despondent. 

"  I  can't  seem  to  find  the  marriage  license  clerk's  office,"  he  said 
aloud. 

"You're  very  fortunate,  I  must  say,"  commented  a  lounger. 

82  INSULT  SUPREME 

The  great  editor  was  dying.  The  physician  leaned  over  him  with  a 
stethoscope,  listened  a  few  moments  and  then  rose  sadly. 

/Poor  man,"  he  announced,  "Circulation  almost  gone." 

With  an  effort,  the  editor  lifted  his  head. 

"You're  a  liar!"  he  proclaimed  weakly.  "Over  four  hundred  thous- 
and, and  gaining  every  day." 

83  SHOULD  GIVE  DISCOUNT 

Mother,  to  Photographer — How  much  do  you  charge  for  taking 
pictures  of  children? 

Photographer — The  price  is  S12  a  dozen. 

Mother — Can't  you  allow  me  some  reduction?  I  have  only  11. 

84  AND  THEY  EACH  TOOK  SPLITS 

When  I  was  ur>  in  the  mountains  once  I  came  onto  an  old  prospector 
standing  outside  a  cave.  He  told  me  he  had  just  found  a  treasure  hid- 
den inside. 

"What  is  it?"  I  asked.  "Quartz?" 

"Naw,"  he  whispered,  "pints." 

85  GOOD  MEASURE 

A  woman  went  into  her  butcher's  with  a  neat  brown-paper  package, 
and  said  sweetly:  "I  wonder  if  you  would  be  so  kind  as  to  weigh  this 
parcel  for  me?" 

"Delighted,"  replied  the  butcher;  "no  touble  at  all,  I  assure  you.  It's 
a  good  three  and  a  half  pounds." 

"Thank  you,"  replied  the  woman;  "that  packge  contains  the  bones: 
you  sent  me  in  my  last  week's  meat." 

86  COSTLY  INDIGESTION 

Anybody  who  has  traveled  recently  across  country  will  appreciate 
the  remark  of  the  man  who  was  asked,  "How's  the  railroad  situation?" 
and  answered,  "About  the  sme.  Congestion  in  the  freight-cars  and 
indigestion  in  the  dining-cars.  And  what  is  worse,"  he  added,  "the 
price  of  indigestion  is  piratically  excessive. 

87  OR  BY  THE  OUNCE 

Hardware  Clerk — I'd  like  to  borrow  a  yardstick. 
Dry  Good  Clerk — We've  nothing  but  a  foot  rule.  We  sell  dress  goods 
by  the  inch. 


—12— 
88  A  POOR  CATCH 

The  station  master,  hearing  a  crash  on  the  platform,  rushed  out  of 
his  room  in  time  to  see  the  express  that  had  just  passed  through 
disappearing  round  the  curve  and  a  dishoveled  young  man  sprawled 
out  perfectly  flat  among  a  confusion  of  overturned  milk  cans  and  the 
scattered  contents  of  his  traveling  bag. 

"Was  he  trying  to  catch  the  train?"  the  station  master  asked  of  a 
small  boy  who  stood  by,  admiring  the  scene. 

"He  did  catch  it,"  said  the  boy  happily,  "but  it  got  away  again!" 

89  AND  A  FEW  YEARS  MORE? 

"Why,  it  seems  only  yesterday,"  said  the  venerable  friend    of    the 
family,  "that  vour  daughter  was  a  little  girl  in  short  skirts,  and  now — 
Here  the  friend  of  the  family  smiled  to  hide  his  embarrassment. 
" — Now  she  is  a  full  grown  lady  in  shorter  ones." 

90  NEIGHBORLY    COURTESY 

Mistress — Goodness,  Mary,  where  is  the  telephone? 
Mary — Mrs.  Brown  called  across    the    fence  asking  if  she  cculd  use 
it,  so  I  sent  it  across,  but  I  had  an  awful  task  to  get  it  off  the  wall. 

91  WHEN  STEADINESS  IS  GOLDEN 

"What  attracted  you  to  your  bride?"  asked  the  judge,  after  the 
ceremony. 

"Well,  sah,"  replied  the  ebong-hued  bridgegroom,  "de  fust  time  I 
seed  Dinah  she  kinder  tuk  my  eye.  She  was  such  a  likely  lookin' 
woman  an'  so  handy  wid  herself,  but  when  I  larnt  dat  she  was  doin' 
steady  washing  for  seven  families,  sah,  right  den  an'  dar  I  sur- 
rendered." 

92  MORE  THAN  LIKELY 

Jimmie — Father,  what  is  an  excavation? 

Father — An  excavation  is  a  place  from  which  dirt  has  been  taken. 

Jimmie — Is  baby's  face  one,  father? 

93  STRAIGHT  SALARY 

Friend — So  you  were  in  the  army,  Ikey? 
Ikey — Oh,  yes,  I  vas  in  the  army. 
Friend — Did  you  get  a  commission  ? 
Ikey — No;  only  my  vages! 

94  HORSE  FACTORY 

"Mamma,"  said  a  little  boy  after  coming  in  from  a  walk,  "I've  seen 
a  man  who  makes  horses." 

"Are  you  sure?"  asked  his  mother. 

"Yes,"  he  replied;  "he  had  one  nearly  finished  when  I  saw  him;  he 
was  just  nailing  on  its  back  feet." 

95  ABSOLUTE  ZERO 

Billy — Pa,  don't  they  call  a  man's  wife  his  better  half? 
Pa — Yes,  son. 

Billy — Then  if  a  man  marries  twice  there  ain't  nothing  left  of  him, 
is  there  Pa  ? 


—13— 
96  THIS  WASN'T  A  HARDWARE  STORE 

Moses — Have  you  heard  about  the  fire  at  Jacob's  place? 

Isaac — Yes,  the  police  seem  to  think  it  vos  an  electric  light  on  the 
first  floor  and  the  insurance  company  think  it  vos  an  incandescent 
light  on  the  ground  floor. 

Moses — Veil,  my  opinion  is  that  it  vos  an  Israelite  in  the  basement. 

9  AND  KEEP  THE  CHANGE 

(Abe's  Children  returning  home  with  father) — Fader,  ve  vant  a  ride. 

Abe  (hailing  bus  conductor) — How  much  for  my  Abe  and  Rachel  to 
Commercial  road? 

Conductor — Nothing  if  they  are  under  five  years  old. 

Abe — Right  you  are.  Drop  'em  at  de  bottom  of  Commercial  road. 
I'll  valk. 

98  CAN  YOU  BEAT  IT? 

Absent-minded  Professor  meeting  his  son — "Hello,  George,  how's 
your  father?" 

99  IT  PAYS  TO  KEEP  COOL 

Patient — The  size  of  your  bill  makes  my  blood  boil. 
Doctor — That  will  be  $20  more  for  sterilizing  your  system. 

100  NO  WONDER 

"I  like  to  talk  to  Jenkins;  he's  such  a  good  listener." 
"Yes;  he's  been  married  ten  years." 

101  SOUND  PHILOSOPHY 

During  the  war  a  militant  English  crusader  making  patriotic 
speeches  in  Scotland  stopped  at  a  farm  one  evening  and  found  a  husky 
young  Scot  milking.  "And  why  are  you  not  at  the  front,  my  man?" 
asked  the  Englishman. 

"Ah,  weel,"  spoke  up  Sandy:  "There's  nae  milk  at  that  end." 

102  TACTICAL  ERROR  NO.  2 

Judge  (to  fat  lady) — And  why  did  you  strike  the  doctor? 

Fat  Lady — Well,  Judge,  he  examined  me  and  said,  "Lady,  this  ma- 
lady of  yours  is  very  serious;  I  don't  know  whether  to  blast  or  oper- 
ate." 

103  LADY  AND  GENTLEMAN 

A  smartly  dressed  woman  was  sitting  in  an  omnibus  when  a  quiet 
looking  young  man,  in  getting  in,  accidentally  trod  on  her  dress. 

She  talked  to  him  for  ten  minutes  and  wound  up  by  saying:  "A 
gentleman  would  have  apologized." 

The  young  man  bowed  and  calmly  said:  "A  lady  would  have  given 
me  a  chance." 

104  CONTENTMENT? 

"Dey  had  to  t'row  water  on  Sam  Johnson's  face  at  his  wife's  funer- 
al," volunteered  a  recent  mourner. 

"Dasso?  He  done  fainted?"  asked  a  friend. 

"No.  No,  indeedly.  He's  jes'  an  uncommonly  soun'  sleeper." 


—14— 

105  THE  WRONG  MAN 

A  colored  gentleman  of  Tennessee  named  Joshua,  was  arrested  for 
selling  corn  whiskey,  and  when  he  was  brought  up  for  trial,  the  judge 
smilingly  asked  him:  "What  is  your  name?"  "Joshua,'*  he  answered. 
"You  don't  happen  to  be  the  Joshua  that  made  the  sun  stand  still,  are 
you?"  asked  the  judge. 

"No  sah,"  replied  the  colored  gentleman,  'Tse  de  Joshua  dat  made 
de  moonshine." 

106  TOO  SIMPLE 

"Have  you  made  any  arrangements  about  your  property  in  case  of 
your  death?" 

"Oh,  I'm  leaving  all  that  to  my  lawyer." 
"Don't  do  it,  old  boy — make  him  fight  for  it!" 

107  PAGE  SENOR  VILLA 

"And  now  ,Johnny,"  said  the  teacher,  "can  you  tell  me  what  is  rais- 
ed in  Mexico?" 

"Aw  go  on,"  replied  the  bright  boy,  "I  know  what  you  want  me  to 
say,  but  ma  told  me  I  shouldn't  talk  rough." 

108  SOME  DO  BOTH 

Single — Does  your  wife  select  your  clothes  ? 
Married — No,  but  she  picks  the  pockets. 

109  SOME  ORDERS 

Bill  and  Sam,  salesmen,  had  worked  a  small  town.  Bill,  full  of 
optimism,  claimed  he  had  taken  eleven  good  orders. 

Sam,  who  knew  his  friend's  tendency  to  brag,  and  that  there  were 
not  eleven  merchants  in  the  town,  said  he  had  secured  only  two  orders 
— "both  from  the  same  man — too." 

Bill,  thinking  he  had  overlooked  a  bet,  excitedly  asked,  "What! 
Two?" 

Sam:  "Yes  sir — The  first  order  was  'get  out  of  here'  and  second, 
'and  don't  ever  come  back'." 

P0  GUINEAS  OR  POETS 

The  highbrow  ladies  of  a  small  town  were  giving  a  dinner  in  honor 
of  an  eminent  professor,  announcement  having  been  made  that  he 
would  make  an  address  to  the  society  on  Keats. 

The  prettiest  young  lady  present  was  selected  for  the  professor's 
dinner  partner  and  by  way  of  conversation  she  remarked:  "Professor, 
I  hear  you  are  to  entertain  us  by  a  talk  on  Keats."  Receiving  an 
affirmative  reply,  she  asked,  "Well  professor,  please  tell  me,  What  are 
Keats?" 

111  A  FUNDAMENTAL  OPERATION 

Sprague — Do  you  play  golf? 

Pelsma — Oh  dear  no;  I  don't  even  know  how  to  hold  the  caddie. 

112  PRECISE 

The  proof-reader  on  a  small  Middle-Western  daily  was  a  woman  o£ 
great  precision  and  extreme  propriety.  One  day  a  reporter  succeeded 
in  getting  into  type  an  item  about  "Willie  Brown,  the  boy  who  was 
burned  in  the  West  End  by  a  live  wire." 

On  the  following  day  the  reporter  found  on  his  desk  a  frigid  note 
asking,  "Which  is  the  west  end  of  a  boy?" 

It  took  only  an  instant  to  reply — "The  end  the  son  sets  on,  of 
course." 


—15— 

113  THEY  ALL  DO 

Teacher — Surely  you  know  what  the  word  "mirror"  means,  Tommy. 
After  you've  washed,  what  do  you  look  at  to  see  if  your  face  is  clean  ? 
Tommy — The  towel,  sir! 

114  A  STICKLER  FOR  STYLE 

"Pa,"  said  a  young  lady  to  her  farmer  dad,  "I  wL.i  you  \  didn't 
say  'I  seen.'  I  ^don't  know  how  many  times,  pa,  I've  corrected  you  on 
that." 

"Now,  Mamie,  you  look-a-here,"  said  the  old  man,  shoveling  a 
generous  piece  of  peach  pie  into  his  mouth  with  his  knife,  'you  make 
yer  livin'  by  good  grammar  and  eddication,  but  yer  ma  and  me,  we're 
obliged  to  take  in  summer  boarders,  and,  by  jiminy,  they  demand  the 
dialect  if  they  pay  the  rates." 

115  A  RIOT 

"Did  you  notice  how  I  moved  the  audience  last  night?"  askjd  the 
amateur  elocutionist. 

"  'Moved'  isn't  the  proper  name  for  it,"  rejoined  his  critical  friend. 
'Tt  was  little  short  of  a  stampede." 

116  NEXT  YEAR— MAY  BE 

"Look  here!"  bellowed  an  irate  customer  in  the  general  store  of 
Four  Corners.  "You  say  you  wont  sell  me  a  shovel  unless  I  get  a  per- 
mit from  the  authorities  and  sign  my  name  in  that  book.  What's  the 
big  idea?" 

"We  ain't  takin'  chances,"  answered  Proprietor  Hoskins  firmly. 
"Gov'ment's  mighty  keerful  these  days.  You  fellers  buy  a  shovel,  dig 
up  the  ground,  plant  barley,  make  it  into  malt,  and  there  you  are.  No 
sir-ree!" 

117  KNEW  HIS  WEBSTER 

Small  Brother — What's  a  maxim,  Tommy? 

Tommy — Aw,  that's  somethin'  that  tells  how  go  d  it  is  to  do  some- 
thin'  you  don't  wanter. 

118  THE  ESSENTIALS 

"And  so  you  learned  French  thoroughly  while  over  there,  son?" 
said  the  proud  father  of  the  returned  soldier. 

"Sure!  I  got  so  I  could  say  Hello  and  Good-night  and  order  ham  and 
eggs,  and  I  could  ask  a  fellow  to  lend  me  money  and  tell  a  girl  I  loved 
her  better'n  anything,  and  that's  all  a  fellow  needs  in  any  language." 

119  IT  HAPPENS  IN  EVERY  FAMILY 

The  little  boy  had  gone  to  the  railway  station  to  see  his  father  off 
on  a  visit.  Amid  the  usual  farewells,  kisses,  and  waving  of  handker- 
chiefs the  train  pulled  out,  and  the  youngs  rer  gazed  aft?r  it  until  it 
had  disappeared.  Presently  a  locomotive  came  in  sight  pulling  a  train 
the  same  length  as  the  one  that  had  taken  his  father  away,  and  as  it 
entered  the  station  he  clapped  his  hands  excitedly. 

"Mamma!"  he  shouted.  "Here  comes  the  train  back  again!  Daddy 
forgot  something." 


—16— 

120  IN  THE  OLD  DAYS 

A  Swede  came  down  from  the  woods,  and,  entering  a  saloon,  asked 
for  a  drink  of  good  old  squirrel  whiskey.  The  bartender  said:  "We 
have  no  squirrel  whiskey,  but  we've  got  some  good  Old  Crow." 

"Oh,  Yudas  Priest!"  said  the  Swede,  "I  don't  want  to  f!y;  I  just 
want  to  hop  around  a  little." 

121  ODDS  TOO  GREAT 

When  Mose  was  searched  after  his  arrest,  his  pockets  produced  a 
time-worn  rabbit's  foot  and  a  handful  of  change.  Mose  looked  disgust- 
edly at  his  erstwhile  good  luck  charm.  Then  he  counted  the  change  on 
the  sergeant's  desk.  There  was  just  $13.13. 

"'S  all  right,"  the  prisoner  said  to  his  rabbit's  foot.  "You  couldn't 
beat  them  figures.  Lock  me  up,  Mr.  Policeman." 

122  WONDER  IF  HE  STRUCK 

"Well,  Rastus,  I  hear  you  are  working  again.  What  business  are  you 
engaged  in?" 

"Ise  done  be  engaged  in  de  mining  business,  sah." 

"What  kind  of  mining  are  you  doing,  gold,  silver  or  diamond?" 

"Ise  doing  calsiming,  sah." 

123  TIMELY  RECOVERY 

He — Will  you  be  my  partner — 

She — Oh,  George,  this  is  so  sudden!  Give  me  a  little  time — 
He  (continuing) — for  the  next  dance? 

She  (continuing) — to  catch  my  breath.  I  haven't  recovered  from  the 
last  fox-trot  yet. 

124  LIFE'S  UPS  AND  DOWNS 

Two  men,  strangers  to  each  other,  sat  siJe  by  side  in  a  suburban 
train.  Finally,  one  turned  to  the  other  and  became  confidential. 

"I,"  he  said  impressively,  "am  a  starter  of  elevators  in  a  city  sky- 
scraper. When  I  signal  them  to  go  up,  they  go  up.  And  your  line  is — ? 

"I,"  said  the  other,  "am  an  undertaker.  When  I  signal  them  to  go 
down,  they  go  down." 

125  LIBERAL  AT  THAT 

There  had  been  a  fire  at  the  artist's  studio,  and  the  insurance  agent 
had  called  to  estimate  the  damage.  "Now,  with  regard  to  these  can- 
vases," said  the  insurance  man.  "You  say  they  cost  about  $2.50  each?" 

"Yes,"  admitted  the  artist.  "But,"  he  pointed  out,  "I'd  painted  on 
most  of  them." 

"Ah!"  said  the  agent  thoughtfully.  "Then,  suppose  we  say  $1.25 
each?" 


17 
126  TWO  OF  A  KIND' 

Patrick  O'Mally,  wearing  a  long  face  came  into  the  colonel's  tent 
and  requested  a  leave  of  absence. 

"Didn't  I  give  you  your  furlough  only  two  months  ago?"  asked  the 
colonel.  Pat  wiped  a  tear  from  his  eye. 

"Yis,  Colonel,  but  this  morning  I  received  a  letter  from  my  home 
savin'  my  wife's  down  with  fever  an'  longin'  for  the  sight  o'  me  'fore 
she  goes." 

"See  here,  O'Mally,"  blazed  the  colonel,  "I've  got  it  on  you  this  time! 
I  got  a  letter  from  your  wife  yesterday,  saying  you  didn't  draw  a  sob- 
er breath  during  your  last  furlough  and  asking  me  not  to  give  you  any 
more.  So  I  guess  that  ends  it." 

Crestfallen,  Pat  turned  to  go.  Just  before  he  reached  the  door  he 
hesitated,  then  turned. 

"Colonel." 

"Yes." 

"May  I  say  a  word?" 

"Go  ahead." 

"Well,  Colonel,  I  just  want  to  say  there  are  two  mighty  big  liars  in 
this  tent.  I  haven't  got  any  wife," 


127  LINGERING  KIND  IS  BETTER 

Autoist  (driving  on  country  road) — If  I  had  run  over  that  chicken 
then,  we  could  have  taken  it  along  and  had  it  for  dinner. 

Friend  Wife — Oh,  but  I  shouldn't  think  a  chicken  would  be  good  to 
eat  in  case  of  a  sudden  death  like  that. 


128  KIND  TO  HIS  RELATIVE 

"Ma,  is  Mr.  Fulhouse  very  old?" 
"No,  dear;  why  do  you  ask?" 

"I  think  he  must  be,  'cause  I  heard  Pa  say  last  night  that  he    raised 
his  ante." 


129  COURTESY  OF  THE  ROAD 

Judge — What  did  you  do  when  you  saw  the  deceased  ?  The  officer 
says  you  neither  slowed  down  nor  turned  out. 

Defendant — I  took  all  precautions,  your  Honor.  I  blew  my  horn  and 
cursed  him. 


130  WHY  NOT? 

A  certain  lady  was  bobbing  the  hair  of  her  4-year-old  daughter's 
head.  After  it  had  been  properly  trimmed,  the  little  one  said:  "Mother, 
what  are  you  going  to  do  with  the  hair  you  cut  off  my  head?'' 

"Why,  throw  it  away,  of  course,"  replied  the  ir  ^ther,  rather  im- 
patiently. "  What  did  you  think  I  was  going  to  do  with  it?" 

"Well,  I  thought  maybe  you  were  going  to  use  it  to  patch  papa's 
head." 


—18— 

131  BLOWING  HIS  OWN  HORN 

Shortly  after  Raymond  Hitchcock  made  his  first  big  hit  in  New- 
York,  Eddie  Foy,  who  was  also  playing  in  town,  happened  to  be  pass- 
ing Daly's  Theatre  and  paused  to  look  at  the  pictures  of  Hitchcock 
and  his  company  that  adorned  the  entrance.  Near  the  pictures  was  a 
bill-board  covered  with  laudatory  extracts  from  newspaper  criticisms 
of  the  show. 

When  Foy  had  moodily  read  to  the  bottom  of  the  list,  he  turned  to 
an  unobtrusive  young  man  who  had  been  watching  him  out  of  the  cor- 
ner of  his  eye. 

"Say,  have  you  seen  this  show?"  he  asked. 

"Sure,"  replied  the  young  man. 

"Any  good?  How's  this  guy  Hitchcock,  anyhow?" 

"Any  good?"  repeated  the  young  man,  pityingly.  "Why,    say,    he's 
the  best  in  the  business.  He's  got  all  these  other  would-be  side-ticklers 
lashed  to  the  mast.  He's  a  scream.  Never  laughed  so  much  at  any  one 
in  all  my  life." 
"Is  he  as  good  as  Foy?"  ventured  Foy,  hopefully. 

"As  good  as  Foy?"  The  young  man's  scorn  was  superb.  "Why,  this 
Hitchcock  has  got  that  Foy  person  looking  like  a  gloom.  They're  not  in 
the  same  class.  Hithhcock  is  funny.  A  man  with  feelings  can't  compare 
them.  I'm  sorry  you  asked  me;  I  feel  so  strongly  about  it." 

Eddie  looked  at  him  very  sternly  and  then,  in  hollow  tones  of  the 
tragedian,  he  said: 

"I  am  Foy." 

"I  know  you  are,"  said  the  young  man,  cheerfully.  "I'm  Hitchcock!" 

132  ALL  WOOL  AND— 

Salesman  (showing  customer  golf  stockings) — Surprising  value,  sir. 
Worth  double  the  money.  Latest  pattern,  fast  colors,  holeproof,  won't 
shrink,  and  it's  a  good  yarn. 

Customer — Yes,  and  very  well  told! 

133  HOT  SHOT 

There  were  two  convicts,  one  in  for  stealing  a  watch,  the  other  for 
stealing  a  cow.  They  disliked  each  other,  and  their  conversation  was 
full  of  innuendo. 

Thus,  the  man  who  had  stolen  the  cow  said  to  the  man  who  had 
stolen  the  watch: 

"Jim,  what  time  \j>  it?" 

"Milking  time,  Joe." 

134  CHECKING  UP 

The  doctor  had  recei  ed  a  hurry  call  from  the  home  of  tl.e  Robeys, 
who  had  tht?ir  first  baby.  Arriving  the  doctor  found  ihe  young  father 
on  the  doorstep,  watch  in  hand. 

"What's  the  trouble?"  asked  the  doctor. 

"Nothing  this  time,  Doc.  My  wife  just  wanted  to  see  how  quickly 
you  could  get  here  in  case  the  baby  was  taken  si  k  suddenly.  You  made 
it  in  four  minutes  this  time." 

VK  THE  REPLY  DIRECT 

Salesman  (heatedly) — "Don't  talk  to  me  that  way.  I  take  orders 
from  no  man." 

Branch  Manager — "I  noticed  that  on  the  report  of  your  last  trip." 


—19— 

136  COST  OF  LIVING 

"Do  you  think  you  can  manage  with  my  salary  of  $20  a  week,  dar- 
ling?" he  asked,  after  she  had  said  yes. 

"I'll  try,  Jack,"  replied  she.  "But  what  will  you  do?" 

137  THE  SAFEST  TACTICS 

"William,"  she  whispered  to  her  husband,  "I  think  I  hear    burglars 
Are  you  awake  ?  " 
"No,"  said  William. 

138  A  FORWARD  LOOKER 

Do  you  believe  in  the  Darwinian  theory?" 

"Haven't  boen  payin'  much  a^e^tion  ^o  it  lately,"  confessed  Farmer 
Corntossel  "the  way  things  have  been  develonin'  have  got  mv  mind 
more  stirred  up  about  where  we're  goin'  than  where  we  come  from." 

139  A  MORE  VIRTUOUS  WAY 

New  Patient — For  weeks  I've  been  fighting  a  terrible  desire  to  kiT 
myself,  doctor. 

Medico— Tut,  tut! 

New  Patient — But  I've  decided  that  suicide  is  a  sin;  so  I've  come  tf 
you. 

140  ONE  WAY  OF  GETTING  EVEN 

A  painful  scene  was  being  staged,  with  Johnny,  his  father  and  ? 
slipper  in  the  principal  roles.  Father  gave  voice  to  the  ancient  plati- 
tude. "This  hurts  me,  Johnnv  far  more  than  it  does  you,"  he  said. 

Johnny  gritted  his  teeth,  "Then,"  he  wailed,  "keep  it  up.  I  can  stand 
it." 

141  GOING  IT  ALONE 

The  old  Scotchman  had  sat  dourly  through  the  service  and  when  tho 
evangelist,  after  his  last  and  most  thrilling  exhortation,  asked  all  who 
wished  to  go  to  heaven  to  put  up  their  hands,  he  was  the  only  one  who 
kept  his  down. 

"WouMn't  you  like  to  go  to  heaven?"  asked  the  evangelist. 

"Ah.  heaven's  a'  richt,"  growled  the  old  man,  "but  I'm  na"  going 
with  an  excur-r-rsion." 

142  ONE  ON  UNCLE  JOE 

Some  years  ago  Joe  Cannon  took  a  constituent  to  dine  with  him  at  ?> 
rather  good  Washington  hotel.  It  was  in  the  fall,  and  Uncle  Joe  ate 
v^ry  heartily  of  that  American  edible,  Indian  corn;  in  fact,  almost  his 
entire  dinner  consisted  of  corn. 

Finally  his  companion  turned  to  him  and  said,  "Say,  Mr.  Cannon 
what  does  it  cost  you  to  board  here?" 

"About  five  dollars  a  day,"  replied  Mr.  Cannon. 

"I'll  be  durned!"  drawled  the  constituent,  "ef  I  don't  think  it  would 
be  cheaper  for  you  to  board  at  a  livery  stable." 


20 
143  SOME  EDITING  NEEDED 

A  movie  actor  was  up  before  the  bar  of  justice  charged  with  bigamy. 

"I'll  give  you  one  chance  to  explain  yourself,"  said  the  judge.  "The 
records  clearly  show  that  you  married  your  seci  nd  wife  a  month  be- 
fore you  were  divorced  from  your  first.  How  about  it?" 

"It's  this  way.  Your  Honor,"  returned  the  defendant,  unperturbed. 
"In  our  business  we  never  take  the  scenes  in  the  order  they  appear  on 
the  screen — sometimes  the  last  scene  is  taken  first.  If  you'll  only  let 
me  call  up  the  continuity  man  at  our  studio,  I'm  sure  he  can  straight- 
en it  out." 

H4  A  CAPITAL  IDEA 

"'Yes,  my  daughter's  taking  singing  lessons  abroad." 
"That's  certainly  thoughtful  of  her!" 

145  REAL  DAYLIGHT  SAVING 

"Is  your  boy  in  favor  of  daylight  saving?" 

"I  reckon  he  is,"  replied  Farmer  Corntossel.  "If  he  goes  on  stayin' 
out  o'  nights,  pretty  soon  he  won't  be  usin'  any  daylight  at  all." 

146  ACUTE  OBSERVATION 

Bystander — Did  you  get  the  number  of  the  car  that  knocked  you 
down,  madam  ? 

Victim — No,  but  the  hussy  that  was  dri\  ing  it  wore  a  three-piece 
tweed  suit,  lined  with  Canton  crepe,  and  she  had  on  a  perwinkle  hat, 
trimmed  with  artificial  cherries. 

147  STICKLER  FOR  ETIQUETTE 

He  was  the  most  down-and-out  looking  specimen  who  had  applied  at 
the  back  door  of  this  particular  farmhouse  for  many  a  year.  The  house- 
wife viewed  him  with  disgust. 

"My  goodness!"  she  exclaimed.  "I  don't  believe  you've  washed  for  a 
year." 

"Just  about  that,"  agreed  the  hobo.  "You  see,  I  only  washes  before 
I  eats." 

148  BUT  BEAR  LESS  FRUIT 

"Bragson  talks  a  great  deal  about  his  family  tree." 
"Yes,  a  family  tree  is  much  like  other  treees;  the  smallest  twigs  do 
the  most  rustling." 

149  OBLIGING 

A  farmer  boy  and  his  best  girl  were  seated  in  a  buggy  one  evening 
in  town,  watching  the  people  pass.  Near  by  was  a  ^op-corn-ver.  ier's 
stand. 

Presently  the  lady       narked:  "My!  that  pop-corn  smells  good!" 
"That's  right,"  said  the  gallant.  "I'll  drive  up  a  little  closer  so     you 
can  smell  it  better." 

150  PERMANENCY 

"It's  terrible  the  way  our  cook  always  boils  the  eggs  too  hard." 
"You're  lucky.  I  can't  get  one  to  stay  with  me  that  long." 

151  PRACTICE  MAKES  PERFECT 

Doctor  (complacently) — "You  cough  more  easily  this  morning." 
.Patient  (querulously)— "I  ought  to,  I  practiced  nearly  all  night." 


—21— 

152  PRECISELY 

William  Jennings  Bryan  would  never  tell  this  story.  It's  on  a  "Pus- 
syfoot" lecturer  who  was  talking  in  a  certain  hall  one  ev(ning  on  the 
drink  question.  "Now,  supposing  I  had  a  pail  of  water  and  a  pail  of 
beer  on  this  platform,  and  then  brought  on  a  donkey;  which  of  the 
two  would  he  take?"  "He'd  take  the  water,"  came  a  voice  from  the 
gallery.  "And  why  would  he  take  the  watc?"  asked  the  lecturer.  "Be- 
cause he's  an  ass,"  came  the  reply. 

153  PROCESS  OF  ELIMINATION 

The  train  was  approaching  Bumville.  "Say,"  a  passenger  accosted 
his  neighbor,  "do  you  know  Bumville  well?" 

"Yes,  sir.  Very  well.  I  come  here  at  least  twice  a  year.'7 

"Well,  what  hotel  woull  you  recommend?" 

"Try  the  Lit  erty  hotel." 

"Do  you  always  stop  there?" 

"No,  but  I  have  stopped  at  all  the  others." 

154  A  LITTLE? 

Dentist  (to  his  pastor) — After  your  wonderful  sermon  last  Sunday 
on  "The  Beauty  of  Truth,"  I  cannot  tell  a  lie  Er —  this  is  going  to  hurt. 

155  AFRICAN  DOMINOES 

The  total  lack  of  comprehension  between  the  American  negro  and 
his  Algerian  brother  will  go  down  in  history  as  one  of  the  outstanding 
features  of  the  war.  A  dusky  stevedore  at  Brest  met  one  of  the  colored 
French  troops  on  duty  there  and  laboriously  the  Yank  tried  to  estab- 
lish some  means  of  linguistic  communication.  Finally  a  brilliant 
thought  struck  the  boy  from  Geo'gia.  He  produced  a  pair  of  ivory  cubes 
and  rolled  them  enticingly  under  the  Algerian's  nose.  Intelligence  still 
registered  zero. 

"Man,"  said  Sam,  in  disgust,  "You  ain't  no  cullud  pusson.  You  ain't 
no  human.  You'se  ah  corpse." 

156  MIGHT  BURNEE  FINGERS 

"Mama,  may  we  go  down  into  the  garden  ?  They  say  there  is  a 
comet  to  be  seen  tonight." 

"All  right,  go  down,  but  don't  go  to  near  it." 

157  DEMOCRATIC  CUSS 

A  recruit  from  the  country  stood  in  the  company  street  and  for  the 
first  time  saw  the  colonel  striding  down  that  thoroughfare.  He  watched1 
the  officer  returning  the  salutes  of  his  hundreds  of  official  inferiors, 
first  to  the  right,  then  to  the  left,  till  he  seemed  to  wave  his  arm  at 
every  man  in  sight. 

"Well,"  drawled  the  rookie.  "Whoever  that  guy  is  he  sure  is  durn 
popular." 

158  TWO  FORWARD  AND  REVERSE 

A  colored  working  man  employed  to  wash  windows  at  a  certain  fac- 
tory in  Boston  was  working  so  moderately  that  his  actions  might  very 
well  be  termed  "slow  motion." 

"Why  don't  you  hurry  a  little  more?'  demanded  his  superior. 

"Boss,  Ah  has  only  two  speeds  and  de  other  am  slower  than  dis  one." 


—22— 
13S  TOO  BAD,  BUT  TOO  LATE 

Margaret  Hughes  (to  the  druggist) — "Could  you  fix  me  a  dose  of 
castor  oil  so  the  oil  won't  taste?" 

Druggist — "Certainly,  won't  you  have  a  glass  of  soda  while 
waiting?" 

Margaret  drank  the  soda,  and  then  the  druggist  askad — "Something 
else,  Miss?" 

Margaret — "No,  just  the  oil." 

Druggist — "But  you  just  drank  it." 

Margaret — "Oh!  It  was  for  my  mother." 

160  GOOD  ROUGHAGE  TOO 

"For  heaven's  sake,  Lena,  what  is  the  baby  gnawing  on?  Isn't  it 
one  of  my  stiff  collars?" 

Don't  get  excited,  darling.  The  doctor  told  me  to  give  it  starchy 
things  to  eat." 

161  THE  WONDERS  OF  NATURE 

As  an  old  colored  man  was  burning  dead  grass  a  "wise  guy"  stopped 
and  said:  "You're  foolish  to  do  that,  Ui.~le  Eph,  as  it  will  make  the 
meadow  as  black  as  you  are." 

''Don't  worry  'bout  dat,  sah,"  replied  Uncle  Eph.  "Dat  grass  will 
gro^v  out  and  be  as  green  as  you  is." 

162  A  BAD  PREDICAMENT 

"I  couldn't  decide  among  my  beaus,  so  I  told  them  all  to  see  papa." 
"Well?" 

"Now  I'm  worse  off  than  ever;  papa  gave  his  consent  to  every  one 
of  them." 

163  OBLIVION 

Sue — Yes,  Anna  has  renounced  the  world. 

Lou — What  convent  is  she  in  ? 

Sue — It's  nothing  like  that;  she  married  a  college  professor. 

164  BUT  NO  WORSE 

"Would  your  experience  confirm  the  popular  notion  that  there  is  a 
sense  of  honor  among  thieves?"  said  the  visitor  to  the  prison  chaplin. 

"Well — no.  There  may  be  exceptions,"  returned  the  chaplain,  "but, 
generally  speaking,  I  find  thieves  just  about  a::  bad  as  other  people." 


165  THE  LEADER 

It  was  the  custom  of  the  congregation  to  repeat  the  Twenty-third 
Psalm  in  concert,  and  Mrs.  Armstrong's  habit  was  to  keep  about  a 
dozen  words  ahead  all  the  way  through.  A  stranger  was  asking  one 
day  about  Mrs.  Armstrong.  "Who,"  he  inquired,  "was  the  lady  who* 
was  already  by  the  still  waters  while  the  rest  of  us  were  lying  down  in 
green  pastures?" 


—23— 

166  A  NIGGER  IN  THE  WOODPILE 

Prof.  Matteossian,  a  noted  botanist,  gave  instructions  for  a  dish  of 
mushrooms,  which  he  had  gathered  himself,  to  be  cooked  for  dinner 
expressly  for  his  wife.  The  latter,  who  was  particularly  fond  of  them, 
was  highly  delighted  at  her  husband's  thought  on  her  behalf  and 
thanked  him  with  much  gusto.  At  breakfast  next  morning  he  greeted 
her  anxiously. 

"Sleep  all  right?''  he  inquired. 

"Splendidly,"  she  answered. 

"Not  sick  at  all — no  pains,"  he  persisted. 

"Why,  of  course  not,  dear,"  she  responded  in  surprise. 

"Hurrah  then,"  exclaimed  the  professor.  "I  have  discovered  another 
species  of  mushroom  that  isn't  poisonous." 

167  A  CLOSE  CALL 

"I've  been  so  anxious,  dad,  to  find  out  whether  your  operation  on 
Mr.  Bullion  was  successful." 

"Yes,  yes.  But  I  was  only  in  the  nick  of  time." 

"Oh,  so  serious  as  that?" 
"     Serious?  I  should  say  so!  Another  day  or  two  he  would    have    re- 
covered without  it!" 

168  GENTLE  HINT 

"Physical  culture,  father,  is  perfectly  lovely!"  exclaimed  an  enthusi- 
astic young  miss  just  home  from  college.  "Look!  To  develop  the  arms 
I  grasp  this  rod  in  both  hands  and  move  it  slowly  from  right  to  left.'' 

"Well,  well,"  replied  dad  admiringly,  "what  won't  science  discover 
next?  Why,  if  that  rod  had  straw  on  the  other  end,  you'd  be 
sweeping." 

169  UNPERTURBED 

The  owner  of  an  estate  on  which  there  was  a  lake  was  annoyed  to 
see  a  stranger  fishing  therein.  He  approached  the  trespasser  and  be- 
gan to  abuse  him.  "This  lake,"  he  said,  "is  privately  owned  and  I 
stocked  it  myself.  You  must  go  away  at  once." 

"Just  a  minute,  sir,"  said  the  fisherman  calmly.  "What  did  you  stock 
the  lake  with?" 

"Trout,"  was  the  answer.  "And  I  won't  have — " 

"That's  all  right,  sir,"  said  the  trespasser  unconcernedly.  "I'm  fish- 
ing for  pike." 

170  READY  WITNESS 

An  eye  witness  to  a  crime,  testifying  at  the  trial,  on  being  asked 
how  far  he  stood  from  where  the  deed  was  done,  answered  promptly: 

"Sixty-three  feet,  seven  inches." 

"But  how,"  gasped  the  astonished  attorney,  "how  can  you  pretend 
to  any  such  accuracy?" 

"Why,"  replied  the  unperturbed  witness,  "I  thought  some  darn  fool 
would  ask  me  that  question,  so  I  measured  it." 

171  CURING  WITH  REVERSE  ENGLISH 

Charlie — I  have  insomnia;  can't  sleep  a  wink. 

Jim — I  know  a  good  remedy:  a  glass  of  whisky  an  hour.  Won't  put 
you  to  sleep  but  it  makes  it  a  pleasure  to  stay  awake?. 

172  PURELY  PROFESSIONAL 

"So  Clara  threw  over  that  young  doctor  she  was  going  with?" 
"Yes,  and  what  do  you  think  ?  He  not  only  requested  her  to    return 
his  presents,  but  sent  her  a  bill  for  forty-seven  visits." 


—24- 

173  WRONG  DIAGNOSIS 

Old  Lady — You  were  drunk  again  last  night.  You-ve  been  sleeping 
with  your  feet  on  the  pillow. 

Old  Man — Now  I  understand  why  I  thought  my  >ead  was  aching.  It 
was  only  my  corns. 

174  HARD  BOILED 

Two  negroes  were  lying  behind  a  packing  case  on  the  docks  at  Brest 
taking  the  labor  out  of  the  alleged  Labor  Battalion.  Said  one 
boastfully: 

"Boy,  Ah  comes  fun  a  tough  breed.  Mah  ole  man  done  cut  his  nails 
wif  a  ax  an'  brush  his  teef  wif  a  file." 

"Huh,  ain't  so  tough.  Mah  ole  man  am  a  plumber  and  twice  a  week 
he  done  shave  hisself  with  a  blow  torch." 

175  DEFYING  CULTURE 

"Porter,"  remarked  the  Massachusetts  man,  who  had  a  Ghair  on  the 
train  from  Boston  to  New  York,  "will  you  kindly  notify  me  when  we 
have  crossed  the  Massachusetts  line?" 

"Yes,  boss.  Anything  I  can  get  you  then?" 

"No,  I  have  a  book  I  want  to  read." 

176  HISTORY  LESSON 

Teacher  (during  visit  of  the  school  board):  "Robert,  who  signed 
Magna  Charta?" 

Robert:  "Please,  mam,  twasn't  me." 

Teacher:  "Take  your  seat." 

Hiram  (of  the  school  board):  "Call  that  there  boy  back.  I  don't  like 
his  manner.  I  believe  he  did  do  it." 

177  IN  THE  INTERVENING  AGES 

Wife  (looking  at  dark  growth) — Why  didn't  you  shave? 

Husband — I  did. 

Wife— When? 

Husband — Just  after  you  said  you  were  nearly  ready. 

178  UNCLE  KNEW 

A  little  boy  from  Canada,  who  had  never  seen  a  negro,  was  riding  in 
New  York  with  his  uncle  when  he  spied  a  colored  lady. 

"Uncle,  why  does  that  woman  black  her  face?" 

"She  doesn't;  that's  her  natural  color." 

"Is  she  black  like  that  all  over?" 

"Why,  yes,"  uncle  replied. 

The  boy  looked  up  beamingly  at  his  uncle.  "Gee,  uncle,  you  know 
everything,  don't  you  ?" 

179  KEPT  HIS  HEAD 

Conductor — What  are  you  doing  with  those  towels  in  your  suitcase  ? 

Passenger  (with  presence  of  mind) — Oh,  they  are  some  I  used  the 
last  time  I  was  on  this  train.  I  had  them  washed  and  brought  them 
back. 

180  MINISTERIAL  REPARTEE 

Father  Kelly  and  Rabbi  Cohen  were  the  best  of  friends,  and  they 
happened  to  be  guests  at  a  banquet  one  evening  at  whic\  ham  was 
served.  Father  Kelly  smilingly  whispered  to  Rabbi  Cohen:  "Rabbi, 
when  you  are  going  to  lay  aside  that  old  stuff  and  fat  ham?" 

The  Rabbi  smiled  back  and  whispered:  "At  your  wedding,  Father 
Kelly."  .    \Ji     {_ 


—25— 

181  WANTED  TO  BE  AGREEABLE 

A  rather  deaf  woman  found  herself  sitting  beside  a  surgeon.  She 
asked:— "Should  I  call  you  Dr.  T or  Mr.  T ?" 

"Call  me  what  you  like,  madam,"  he  replied,  and  added,  genially: 
"Some  of  my  friends  call  me  an  old  fool." 

"Ah,"  she  rejoined,  not  hearing  correctly  what  he  had  said,  but  an- 
xious to  be  pleasant,  "those  are  the  people  who  know  you  intimately." 

182  VICE  VERSA 

At  a  Christmas  dinner  in  Washington  a  well-known  professor  was 
called  upon  to  speak.  In  introducing  him  the  host  said  to  the  guests. 
"You  have  been  giving  your  attention  so  far  to  a  turkey  stuffed  with 
sage.  You  are  now  about  to  give  your  attention  to  a  sage  stuffed  with 
turkey." 

183  ALSO  A  SUBORDINATE 
"Fve  worked  under  the  same  boss  for  20  years." 

"I  can  beat  that — it's  my  silver  wedding  anniversary  next  week!" 

184  LOADED  WIRE 

"Ever  get  shocked  talking  over  the  telephone  wire  during  a  storm?" 
"Yes,  once.  I  called  up  my  wife  while  she  was  housecleaning  to  say 
I'd  bring  a  friend  home  to  dinner." 

185  GENEROSITY 

A  friend  was  showing  a  Scotsman  round  his  cutlery  factory.  "Here's 
a  souvenir  for  you,  Mac,"  he  said,  when  the  visit  was  over,  and  handed 
him  a  pocket-knife.  "But,"  he  added,  "you'll  have  to  give  me  a  penny 
for  it,  so  that  it  cannot  cut  our  friendship." 

With  some  reluctance  the  Scot  searched  his  pockets  and  at  last  pro- 
duced a  nickel.  "Have  ye  got  change?"  he  asked,  anxiously. 

"Sorry,"  replied  his  friend.  "I'm  afraid  I  haven't." 

Mac  thought  for  a  minute.  "Then  ye  can  just  gie  me  four  more 
knives,"  he  said. 

186  AMENITIES  OF  THE  MOMENT 

Rastus  and  Mose  were  having  a  heated  argument.  In  reply  to  some 

remark  of  Rastus,  Mose  said: 

"Guess  I  know,  niggah!  Don't  you  think  I'se  got  any  brains?" 
"Huh!"  Rastus  replied.  "Niggah,     if    brains    were     dynamite    you 

couldn't  blow  off  your  hat!" 

187  A  PROPOS 

Tombstone  Dealer  (after  several  futile  suggestions) — How  would 
just  a  simple  "Gone  Home"  do  for  an  inscription?" 

The  Widow — I  guess  that  will  be  all  right.  It  was  always  the  last 
place  he  ever  thought  of  going. 

188  HE  KNEW  THE  TERMS  WELL 

Radiator  Manufacturer:  If  you  want  to  make  a  hit,  my  son,  you 
must  strike  out  for  yourself. 

Son:  You're  mixed  in  your  baseball  talk,  dad;  if  you  strike  c  it  you 
can't  make  a  hit. 


—26— 

189  JUSTIFIED  IN  THIS  CASE. 

Among  those  summoned  to  serve  on  the  jury  was  a  woman  who 
wished  to  be  excused.  "Well,  madam,  why  don't  you  wish  to  serve  on 
the  jury?"  asked  the  judge. 

"I  am  opposed  to  capital  punishment." 

"But  this  is  merely  a  case  in  which  a  wife  is  suing  her  husband  for 
an  accounting.  It  seems  she  gave  him  S500  to  pay  down  on  a  handsome 
fur  coat  and  he  is  alleged  to  have  lost  the  money  at  poker." 

The  woman  juror  spoke  up  promptly:  "I'll  serve.  Maybe  I'm  wrong 
about  capital  punishment." 

190  TRUTHFUL  WILLIE 

Senator  Warren  G.  Harding,  of  Ohio,  remarked  at  a  social  gather- 
ing that  some  people  are  past  masters  in  the  art  of  evading  an  issue, 
and  told  the  following  story  as  an  illustration: 

Some  time  since,  when  little  Willie  returned  home  from  school  he 
found  his  fond  mother  waiting  for  him  with  a  disturbed  expression. 

"Willie,"  said  she,  "did  you  eat  any  of  those  apples  that  I  left  in  the 
kitchen  cupboard?" 

"Mamma,"  replied  the  youngster  with  great  earnestness,  "I  have 
not  touched  one." 

"Then,"  demanded  the  agitated  parent,  "how  is  it  that  I  found  four 
apple  cores  in  your  bedroom,  and  that  there  is  only  one  r.pple  left 
in  the  cupboarc  ?" 

"The  one  in  the  cupboard,  mamma,"  explained  Willie,  looking  to  see 
if  there  was  clear  sailing  to  the  garden  gate,  "is  the  one  I  didn't 
touch." 

191  PROFESSIONAL  CANDOR 

"Do  you  believe  in  the  survival  of  the  fittest?" 

"I  don't  believe  in  the  survival  of  anybody.  I  am  an  undertaker." 

192  CRUEL  FACTS 

Hub — It  seems  to  me  that  you  come  to  the  office  a  good  deal  more 
than  there  is  any  occasion  for. 

Wife — I  cannot  help  it,  dear.  Your  manners  in  the  office  are  so  much 
nicer  than  they  are  at  home  that  I  really  enjoy  the  contrast. 

193  REVERSING  THE  ORDER 

Wife — John,  dear,  when  I  go  to  Palm  Beach  I  shall  dream  of  you 
every  night. 

Hub — I'd  rather  you  stayed  here  and  dreamed  of  Palm  Beach. 

194  HOW  THE  FIRE  FLIES 

Little  Janet  was  visiting  her  cousin  in  the  country  and,  looking  out 
on  the  lawn,  exclaimed: 

"Oh,  see  the  stars  flyin'  awound!" 

Her  wise  young  cousin  Virginia  replied: 

"Those  isn't  stars;  they  is  bees  with  'rectric  rights." 

195  COOPERATION 

Father — Well,  Willie,  I  received  a  note  from  your  teacher  today. 
Willie — Is  that  so,  Pop?  Give  me  a  quarter  and  I  won't  breathe  a 
word  about  it  to  mother. 


—27— 

196  THE  INDEPENDENT  VOTER 

A  prominent  lawyer  in  a  Western  city  was  also  considerable  of  a 
politician.  He  had  as  a  client  a  farmer  who  often  consulted  him,  not 
only  about  matters  of  law,  but  also  about  other  things. 

During  a  presidential  campaign,  the  farmer  became  intensely  inter- 
ested in  the  political  situation  and  read  the  newspapers  omnivorously 

One  day  he  sauntered  into  the  lawyer's  office. 

"What's  the  meanih-  of  this  word  'Mugwump?'  "  he  asked,  pointing 
to  a  newspaper  in  his  hand. 

"A  Mugwump,"  explained  the  politician,  "is  a  Republican  who  votes 
the  Democratic  ticket — that  is  to  say,  he  puts  his  idea  of  right  and 
wrong  above  party  affiliations." 

"Well,"  exclaimed  the  farmer,  "I  should  say  that  he  was  a  nretty 
good  sort  of  man,  shouldn't  you?" 

"Oh,  a  very  superior  man,"  was  the  reply. 

"Now,"  said  the  farmer,  after  a  moment's  reflection,  "what  would 
you  call  a  Democrat  who  voted  the  Republican  ticket?" 

The  politician,  much  astonished  by  this  suggestion,  said  with  great 
animation.  "Why,  sir,  I  should  call  him  a  damned  fool." 

197  SOMNAMBULISM 

"Well,  Mother  Lean,  how  is  your  husband  today?  He  went  out  in  the 
middle  of  the  service." 

"Yes,  sir,  he's  ageing  rapidly — he  walks  in  his  sleep  now!" 

198  TRUE  LOGIC 

"Rastus,  what's  a  alibi?" 

"Dat's  proving  dat  yoh  was  at  a  prayer  meetir'  whar  yoh  wasn't  in 
order  to  show  dat  yoh  wasn't  at  de  crap  game  whar  yoh  was." 

199  INCREASED  CIRCULATION 

"Why,  my  dear  man,  already  my  poetry  is  beirg  read  by  twice  as 
many  people  as  before." 

"Oh,  I  didn't  know  you  had  married." 

200  TWO  GUILTY 

"Thomas,"  said  mother,  severly,  "some  one  has  taken  a  big  piece  of 
ginger-cake  out  of  the  pantry." 
Tommy  blushed  guiltily. 

"O,  Thomas,"  she  exclaimed,  "I  didn't  think  it  was  in  you!" 
"It  ain't  all,"  replied  Tommy,  "part  of  it's  in  Elsie." 

201  THE  ARBITER 

"How  do  you  like  married  life?" 

"Well,  my  wife's  jast  like  an  umpire.  She  never  thinks  I'm  safe  when 
I'm  out." 

202  TALK  IS  CHEAP 

"My  dear  girl,"  said  her     mother-in-law,     "any    woman     would    be 
satisfied  with  what  John  says  he  gives  you." 
"So  would  I,"  said  the  young  wife. 


—28— 

1  "3  SOMETHING  PAINFUL 

A  man  was  taken  ill  and  his  wife  hurried  him  to  the  hospital. 

"Has  he  got  pajamas?"  said  the  matron,  as  she  arranged  for  his 
admission. 

"Pajamas?"  exclaimed  the  wife.  "I  dunno  what  it  is,  but  he's  got  an 
awful  pain  in  the  stummick." 

204  A  VISITOR  FROM  LONDON 

The  gentleman  from  London,  with  a  distinctly  cockney  accent,  was 
catching  his  first  glimpse  of  New  York's  skyline  from  the  giant 
Cunarder. 

"Look,"  said  his  American  fellow  passenger,  pointing  to  Miss  Liber- 
ty; "New  York  and  Liberty — as  American  as  the  bison  itself." 

"Well,  my  eye!"  exploded  the  Briton.  "Do  you  claim  the  jolly  old 
bison  as  your  own,  too?" 

"Surely,"  the  Amer.aii  replied.  "The  bison  is  a  species  of  the 
American  buffalo — " 

"Ho!  Ho!"  laughed  the  Londoner.  "If  I  didn't  always  thin!:  the  bison 
was  something  to  wash  your  'ands  in!" 

205  MEETING  THE  EMERGENCY 

A  college  boy  walked  into  a  drug  store.  "Gimme  a  bottle  of  liniment 
and  a  bottle  of  furniture  polish." 

"What  in  the  world  are  you  going  to  do  with  that  combination?"  in- 
quired the  druggist. 

"Well,  my  roommate  has  rheumatism  in  his  legs  and  one  of  them  is 
wooden." 

206  SWEET  MAMMA! 

"Mamma,  am  I  descended  from  a  monkey?"  asked  the  nephew  of  an 
Indianapolis  craftman. 

"I  don't  know,"  replied  mamma,  "I  never  knew  any  of  your  father's 
people." 

207  ADEQUATE  INCENTIVE 

Cohen — How  did  you  rescue  your  wife  from  the  sea  when  you  can't 
swim? 

Isaacs — Ah,  Cohen,  if  you'd  seen  her  throw  up  hej  arms  with  two 
$250  bracelets  on! 

208  JIM'S  REMARKS 

When  the  report  of  personal  injury  sustained  by  a  teamster  at  the 
road  construction  camp  came  to  the  main  office  it  -""as  turned  over  as 
was  customary  to  the  boss  for  his  consideration.  The  blank  form 
provided  for  reporting  accidents  was  properly  filled  in  as  follows: 

Nature  of  Accident — Toe  crushed. 

Name  of  Man — Jixn  Kelly. 

How  Caused — Horse  steppe.d  on  his  foot. 

Remarks — You  know  Jim.  The  sooner  his  remarks  are  forgotten  the 
better  for  all  concerned. 

209  UNJUSTIFIED  PRECAUTIONS 

A  clergyman  was  having  dinner  with  a  parishioner  preceding  the 
afternoon  service.  He  ate  very  sparingly,  explaining  that  he  must  not 
eat  too  hearty  a  meal  before  preaching  if  he  was  to  do  hii^-elf  justice 
in  the  pulpit.  The  housewife  was  unable  to  attend  the  service,  so  when 
1  *  husband  returned  she  inquired,  "And  how  -was  he?"  "Oh,  well,"  he 
i  .  _ ""  d,  wearly,  "he  might  as  well  have  et." 


—29- 

210  !  THE  ROPEY  KIND 

"Have  a  cigar?"  said  the  man  with  the  smiling  face. 

"Don't  mind  if  I  do,"  said  his  friend.  "But  what's  the  occasion?  Why 
this  lavish  display?" 

"Oh,  I've  got  an  addition  to  the  family,"  was  the  answer. 

"You  don't  say  so?  Congratulations!"  said  the  other  man  enthu- 
siastically, as  he  put  a  match  to  his  cigar.  After  a  few  puffs  he  ob- 
served, "About  the  fifth  child,  I  should  say." 

211  PROFITABLE  STUTTERING 

"L-l-look  here,"  said  the  stutterer  at  the  horse  sale,  "that's  a  n-nice 
horse,  my  m-m-man.  How  much  d-do  you  want  for  it?" 

The  owner  looked  the  animal  over  lovingly. 

"And  a  beauty  he  is,  sir,"  he  urged,  "a  horse  I  can  thoroughly  re- 
commend. But  you  must  make  the  offer." 

"Well,"  said  the  stutterer,  "I'll  g-g-give  you  f-f-f — 

"Forty  pounds?  Done!"  said  the  dealer. 

"G-good!"  closed  the  stutterer.  "I  was  tr-tryir.-  to  say  f-f-fifty." 

212  REMEMBERING  WITH  A  VEIGEANCE 

The  professor's  wife  had  tied  a  string  around  her  absent-minded 
husband's  finger  to  remind  him  to  get  his  hair  cut.  On  his  way  home  to 
dinner  he  noticed  it.  "Ah,  yes,"  he  murmured,  "I  remember,"  and  en- 
tering the  shop  he  sat  down  before  his  favorite  barber. 

"Er — yes,  sir,"  said  that  artist,  a  puzzled  inquiry  in  his  tone. 

"Eh, — Oh,  yes,  cut  my  hair,  please,"  commanded  the  absent-minded 
one. 

"Why,  certainly,  sir,  if  you  wish  it,"  said  the  barber.  "But  you  won't 
mind  my  mentioning  the  fact  that  I  cut  it  this  noon,  will  you?" 

213  BEDTIME  RHYMES 

Tommy  had  been  out  playing  till  he  was  very  tired,  and  did  not  feel 
inclined  to  say  his  prayers,  but  his  mother  insisted.  So  Tommy  began: 
"Now  I  lay  me  down  to  sleep 
I  pray  the  Lord  my  soul  to  keep-- 
"If,"  prompted  his  mother. 
Tommy  (sleepily) — If  he  hollers  let  him  go, 
"Eeny,  meeny,  miny,  mow." 

214  BUSINESS  FAMILIARITY 

The  Boss — Miss  Brown,  you  have  been  telep1  oning  for  a  full  half 
an  hour. 

Stenographer — Excuse  me,  it  was  a  business  conversation. 

The  Boss — That  so  ?  Very  well,  but  please  don't  address  our  cus- 
tomers as  "Honey,  and  "Darling." 

215  A  LONG  WAY  TO  GO 

Colored  Recruit:  "Say,  sahjent,  lucidate  to  me  de  s'nificance  ob  dis 
heah  numbah  which  'pears  on  mah  loomnum  lavilleah." 

Old  Timer:  "Boy,  li&sen  to  knowledge.  Dat's  yo'  heavenly  billet  num- 
bah in  case  de  ole  bony  gent  wid  de    crooked    razoo    axdentally    un 
hitches  yo'  soul  from  yo'  galluses." 

Colored  Recruit:  "Hot  towel!  Sho  hopes  mah  wings  fits  bettah  dan 
dese  cowhide  bahges,  p'vidin'  ah  has  to  propel  mahse'f  to  Numbah 
3,250,884  Pah-dise  Avenoo." 


—30— 

216  BREAKING  IT  GENTLY 

Murphy  had  been  careless  in  handling  the  blasting  powder  in  the 
quarry,  and  Duffy  had  been  chosen  to  break  the  news  gently  to  the 
widow.  "Mrs.  Murphy,"  said  he,  "isn't  it  today  the  fellow  calls  for  the 
weekly  payment  for  Murphy's  life  assurance?" 

"It  is,"  answered  Mrs.  Murphy. 

"Well,  now  a  word  in  your  ear,"  said  Duffy.  "Sure  ye  ca.i  snap 
your  fingers  at  the  fellow  today." 

217  HIDDEN  PROFITS 

Jimmy  was  discovered  by  his  sister  industriously  smashing  all  the 
eggs  in  the  house. 

"Why,  Jimmy,"  she  cried  aghast,  "what  do  you  mean  by  breaking  all 
those  eggs?"  

"Well,"  said  Jimmy,  "I  heard  papa  saying  there  was  n.ney  in  eggs 
these  days  and  I'm  trying  to  find  it." 

218  IT  WAS  A  PLEASURE 

Orrin  (irritably,  to  Friend  Wife) — Why  do  you  feed  every  tramp 
that  comes  along?  T  ley  never  do  anything  for  you? 

Fannie  (who  deser  res  much  sympathy) — No,  but  it  is  a  great  satis- 
faction to  me  to  see  a  man  eat  a  meal  without  finding  f..ult  with  the 
cooking. 

219  GOOD  FOR  A  LONG  TRIP 

It  is  told  that  a  New  York  couple,  just  married,  loarded  a  train,  and 
were  so  absorbed  in  ( ach  other  that  the  bridegroom  handed  the  con- 
ductor the  marriage  certificate  when  he  called  for  tickets.  "This  is 
good  for  a  long,  weary  journey,"  said  the  conductor,  "but  not  on  the 
New  Haven  &  Hartford  road." 

220  NOT  SO  PARTICULAR 

Two  motorists  met  in  a  road  too  narrow  to  permit  them  to  pass  each 
other.  One  of  them  rose  in  his  car  and  shouted  at  the  other — "I  never 
back  for  any  fool." 

The  other  driver  quietly  put  his  car  in  reverse,  backed  out,  and  re- 
plied: "That's  all  right.  I  always  do." 

221  WHAT  MOTHER  TAUGHT  GLADYS 

They  had  plighted  their  troth  and  were  talking  things  over.  They 
both  decided  to  be  quite  unlike  other  married  couples — forbearing  and 
long-suffering  and  patient  with  each  other. 

"No!"  said  the  man.  "I  shall  not  be  like  other  husbands,  who  get 
cross  and  bang  things  about  if  the  coffee  is  cold!" 

"If  you  ever  did,"  said  the  girl  sweetly,  "I  would  make  it  hot  for 
you!" 

And  the  man  wondered  what  she  meant. 

222  SHOULD  BUILD  GARAGE 

Thoughtful  Friend:  "My  good  man,  you  had  better  take  the  street 
car  home." 

Illuminated  One:  "Sh'  no  ushe!  Wife  wouldn't  let  me — hie — keep  it 
in  the  houshe. 

223  IN  THE  DEAR  GLAD  DAYS 

"Why  so  pensive,  dear?"  asked  his  wife. 

"I'm  trying  to  think  what  it  was  I  used  to  worry  about  before  I 
bought  this  blamed  second-hand  flivver,"  he  i  Ighed. 


—31— 

224  NOT  IN  THE  MOVEMENT 

It  was  married  men's  night  at  the  revival  meeting. 

"L^t  all  you  husbands  who  have  troubles  on  your  mind  stand  up," 
shouted  the  emotional  preacher,  at  the  height  of  his  spasm. 

Instantly  every  man  in  the  cl-urch  rose  to  his  feet  except  one. 

"Ah,"  exclaimed  the  preacher,  peering  out  at  his  lone  sitter,  who 
occupied  a  chair  near  the  door  and  apart  from  the  others,  "you  are  one 
in  a  million. " 

"It  ain't  that,"  piped  back  this  one  helplessly,  as  the  rest  of  the  con- 
gregation turned  to  gaze  suspiciously  at  him.  "I  can't  get  up;  I'm 
paralyzed." 

225  TOO  MUCH  BULK 

"Do  you  cash  checks?" 

"Yes,  but  not  yours." 

"Isn't  my  face  good?" 

"Yes,  but  I  can't  get  it  in  the  cash  register." 

226  AN  AFTER-EFFECT  OF  WAR 

Kind  Old  Lady — "Why,  you  brute!  Don't  you  know  better  than  to 
abuse  a  poor  mule  with  a  sore  foot?" 

Colored  Driver — "He's  a  awmy  mule,  ma'am,  an'  he  ain't  lame. 
He's  just  standing  at  parade  rest." 

227  BUSINESS  JUDGMENT 

"Josh,"  said  Farmer  Wilkins  to  his  son,  "I  wish,  if  you  don't  mind, 
you'd  eat  off  by  yourself  instead  of  with  the  summer  boarders." 
"Ain't  my  society  good  enough  for  'em?" 
"Your  society's  all  right,  but  your  appetite  sets  a  terrible  example." 

228  UNFORTUNATE  BURGLAR 

"A  burglar  got  into  my  house  about  three  o'clock  this  morning 
when  I  was  on  my  way  home  from  the  club." 

"Did  he  get  anything?" 

"He  certainly  did.  The  poor  fish  is  in  the  hospital.  My  wife  thought 
it  was  me." 

229  AS  A  LAST  RESORT 

The  presumptive  bridegroom  had  brought  his  presumptive  sister-in- 
law  (aged  five)  a  bar  of  chocolate. 

"See  how  good  Edwin  is,"  said  his  fiancee. 

"He's  not  only  good — he's  better!" 

"Better?  How  do  you  mean?" 

"Well,  I  heard  father  tell  mother  that  he  was  better  than  nobody!" 

230  A  CHANCE  TO  SAVE 

"So  yer  brother  Mike's  got  a  job  as  night  watchman.  He'll  save 
money." 

"Phwy  so?" 

"Sure,  he  can  shlape  all  day  an'  save  his  board  and  work  all  night 
and  save  his  lodgin". 

231  A  DARN  GOOD  REASON 

Crewe — "Good  heavens,  how  it  rains,  I  feel  awfully  nnxious  about 
my  wife.  She's  gone  out  without  an  umbrella." 

Drew — "Oh,  she'll  be  all  right.  She'll  take  shelter  Li  some  shop." 
Crewe — "Exactly.  That's  what  makes  me  so  anxious." 


—32— 

232  ABSENT  IN  AN  EMERGENCY 

An  old  Scottish  farmer  was  constantly  pressed  by  a  local  insurance 
agent  to  insure  his  house  against  fire.  To  all  these  entreaties  the  old 
man  turned  a  deaf  ear,  and  always  replied  to  the  other's  cajolings  by 
saying,  "Na,  na;  my  hoose  is  no'  gaun  on  fire,  man." 

But  the  unexpected  happened  one  night,  and  the  villagers  were  both 
amazed  and  amused  at  seeing  the  old  fellow  running  up  and  down  the 
street,  and  shouting,  "Whaur's  that  insurance  man  noo?  Whaur's 
that  insurance  chap  ?  It's  terrible  ye  can  never  find  a  body  when  ye're 
needin'  him!" 

233  TECHNICAL  DEFENSE 

"Sam  Johnson,  you've  been  fightin'  again.  You'se  lost  two  of  yo* 
front  teeth." 

"No,  I  ain't,  Mammy,  honest.  I'se  got  'em  in  me  pocket." 

234  HAD  ENOUGH 

A  certain  preacher  once  talked  for  over  an  hour  on  the  fo  r  Greater 
Prophets,  and  then,  when  his  exhausted  congregation  thought  he  was 
finishing,  he  took  a  long  breath,  turned  a  fresh  page,  and,  leaning  over 
the  pulpit  ,said:  "We  come  now  to  the  more  complex  question  of  the 
Minor  Prophets.  First,  let  us  assign  to  them  their  proper  order.  Where, 
brjthern,  shall  we  place  Hosea?" 

An  irascible  man  in  a  back  pew  rose,  took  his  hat  and  stick,  and  said, 
as  he  departed:  "Place  him  here,  if  you  want  to,  I'm  going!" 

235  NO  OBSTACLE 

Mother — "I  really  think  you'd  be  happier  if  you  married  a  man  who 
has  less  money." 

Daughter — "Don't  worry,  mother;  he  will  have  less  in  a  ^sery  short 
time." 

236  THE  POINT  OF  VIEW 

Asker — Is  Shyster  a  good  lawyer  ? 

Teller — That  all  depends.  If  he  is  on  your  side  you  will  admire  him 
as  the  smartest  and  most  eloquent  legal  practitioner  you  ever  saw,  and 
if  he  is  on  the  other  side  you  will  despise  him  as  the  most  unscrupu- 
lous, lying  pettifogger  who  ever  disgraced  the  bar. 

237  BEFORE  THE  WAR 

Teetotaler — "Stay,  my  friend!  Do  you  think  that  glass  of  vile  filth 
will  quench  your  thirst?" 

The  Festive  Stranger  (fervently) — "Good  'eavens,  mate!  I  jolly  well 
'ope  not  " 

238  SHE  WON 

First  Little  Girl — "Your  papa  and  mama  are  not  your  real  parents. 
They  only  adopted  you." 

Second  Little  Girl — "All  the  better.  My  parents  picked  me  out;  your 
parents  had  to  take  you  just  as  you  came." 

239  TRY  THIS  ONE  OUT 

A  well-known  official  of  a  telephone  company  was  rudely  aroused 
from  his  slumbers  by  the  ringing  of  the  telephone.  After  bruising  his 
knee  on  a  chair,  he  reached  the  phone.  "Hello,"  he  growled. 

"Are  you  an  official  of  the  telephone  company?"  asked  the  voice. 

"Yes.  What  can  I  do  for  you?" 

"Tell  me,"  said  the  voice,  "how  it  feels  to  get  out  of  bed  at  two 
o'clock  to  answer  a  wrong  number." 


-33— 

240  BRINGING  UP  FATHER 

Murphy's  daughters  were  attempting  to  elevate  father's  accomplish- 
ments. Murphy  had  made  a  bunch  of  money  in  the  contracting  business 
and  was  taking  things  easy,  but  once  in  a  while  his  daughters  inveigle! 
him  into  some  higher  plane  of  entertainment.  One  night  they  motored 
him  over  to  a  literary  circle  at  "he  home  of  Mrs.  Blith-Melbourne,  the 
President  of  the  Society. 

"Oh,  Mr.  Murphy,  she  exclaimed,  I  am  SO  delighted  to  meet  you.  I 
have  heard  so  much  about  you." 

"Is  that  so,"  said  Murphy. 

"Yes,  I  am  so  glad  you  are  with  us.  I  understand  you  are  very  well 
read." 

"Ye  do,  do  ye,"  said  Murphy. 

"Oh,  Mr.  Murphy,  have  you  ever  read  'Spencer's  Synthetic  Philos- 
ophy'?" 

"I  have  not,"  quoth  Murphy,  a  little  louder. 

"But  you  have  read  'The  Four  Horsemen  of  the  Apocalypse,'  Mr. 
Murphy,  have  you  not?" 

"I  have  not." 

"Mr.  Murphy,  surely  you  have  read  'The  Trail  of  the  Lonesome 
Pine.'  " 

"I  have  not,"  almost  yelled  the  contractor. 

"Well!  Will  you  please  tell  me,  Mr.  Murphy,  what  you  have  read." 

"  Sure — I  have  red  hair  on  me  chest." 

241  VIRTUE  REWARDED 

"I  see  Goldbaum  had  a  fire  last  right." 
"Veil,  he's  a  nice  feller;  he  deserves  it." 

242  WHY  WIVES  GO  MAD 

She — "I'll  never  go  anywhere  again  with  you  as  long  as  I  live." 
He— "Wh-Why?" 

She — "You  asked  Mrs.  Smith  how  her  husband  was  standing  the 
heat  and  he's  been  dead  two  months." 

243  WHAT  WOULD  YOU  DO? 

Owing  to  the  absence  through  illness  of  the  woman  who  taught    the 
senior  girls'  Bible  class,  the  young  assistant  minister  was  asked  to  un 
dertake  the  duties  for  the  day.  He  consented,  but  before  beginning    he 
said,  smilingly: — "Now,  girls,  I  want  to  conduct  your  class  just  as  your 
teacher  does,  so  you  might  tell  me  what  she  does  first." 

A  short  pause,  then  the  answer  from  a  pert  miss  of  16:  "Well,  she 
always  kisses  us  all  round!" 

244  FRIEND  HUSBAND 

Several  club  ladies  were  discussing  the  virtues  of  their  husbands. 

"Mr.  Bingleton,"  said  one,  referring  to  her  life  partner,  "never 
drinks  and  never  swears indeed  he  has  no  bad  habits." 

"Does  he  never  smoke?"  some  one  asked. 

"Yes,  he  likes  a  good  cigar  just  after  he  has  eaten  a  good  meal,  but 
I  suppose  on  an  average,  he  doesn't  smoke  more  than  once  a  month." 

Some  of  the  ladies  laughed — Mrs.  B.  wonders  why. 

245  MINE  TOO 

McCullom — These  are  my  prize  golf  socks. 
Jacobs — That  so  ? 
McCullom — Yes,  hole  in  one. 


—34— 

246  HE  GOT  TFE  JOB 

A  business  man  advertised  for  a  boy  'he  other  night. 

When  he  arrived  at  the  office  the  next  morning  there  were  some  fifty 
boys  already  in  line. 

He  opened  his  desk  aid  was  just  about  to  begin  examining  the  ap- 
plicants when  his  stenographer  handed  him  a  card  on  which  was  scrib- 
bled: 

"Don't  do  anything  until  you  see  me.  I'm  the  last  kid  in  line — but 
I'm  telling  you — I'm  there  with  the  ^oods." 

247  RETRIBUTION 

Wife  (to  husband  shaving  her  neck) — Ouch!  Oh,  Tom,  that  razor  is 
terrible. 

Hub — Yes,  dear,  it's  the  one  you  used  to  sharpen  your  pencils.  I 
saved  it  for  this  purpDse. 

248  EXPEDIENCY 

Friend — "Now,  why  are  you  crying?" 

Bride — "My  husband  is  so  evasive.  Every  time  I  ask  him  how  he 
likes  my  biscuits  he  tells  me  I  have  beartiful  eyes." 

249  HAS  GONE  THE  LIMIT 

"Marie  says  she  believes  in  being  you  lg  while  she  can." 
"Oh,  Marie  has  done  better  than  that  the  past  five  years.  She's  been 
young  while  she  couldn't." 

250  DONE  AND  UNDONE 

Grocer — "Did  that  watermelon  I  sold  yen  do  for  the  whole  family?" 
Customer — "Very  nearly.  The  doctor    s  calling  yet." 

251  WINORLCSE 

Minnie — I  do  hate  to  play  cards  with  a  bad  loser,  don't  you? 
George — Oh,  I  don't  know.  I'd  rather  play  with  a  bad  loser  than  any 
kind  of  a  winner. 

252  THE  HUSBANDS  OFFENSE 

A  divorce  case  was  in  session  and  a  former  maid  of  the  family  had 
been  called  as  witness;. 

"You  will  admit  you  overheard  a  great  many  quarrels  between  the 
defendant  and  his  wife  ?"  asked  the  Judge. 

"Yis,  sor,  I  do." 

"Tell  the  Court,  if  you  can,"  said  the  Judge,  "what  he  seemed  to  be 
doing  during  these  quarrels." 

"Shure  sor,"  said  the  maid,  "he  seem?d  to  be  doin'  th'  listening." 

253  GETTING  EVEN 

Friend  wife  came  into  the  sitting-room,  a  determined  look  in  her 
eyes.  "I  shall  have  to  punish  those  children,"  she  began. 

"What  have  the  lit :le  scamps  been  up  to  now?  asked  hubby,  looking 
up  from  his  newspaper. 

"Why,  they've  mada  a  mess  of  my  sewing-room,"  explained  his  wife. 
"Needles,  reels  of  cotton,  scissors — everything  has  teen  hidden  away  in 
the  most  unexpected  places.  It's  exasperating." 

Her  husband  laid  down  his  paper  and  smiled.  "I  did  that,"  he  said 
calmly.  "You  tided  up  my  desk  so  beautifully  the  other  day  that  I 
thought  it  only  fair  to  return  the  compliment.  So  I  tidied  up  your  sew- 
ing room," 


—35— 

254  EXPERT  ADVICE 

sba\  pire  •^unoo  eqq.  ui  SuiaisiA  uoeq  pt3q  Aip  airi  uio.ii  \i]S  opin  y 
being  questioned  as  to  what  kind  of  time  she  had.  Finally    some     one 
said,  "I  bet  you  don't  even  know  how  to  milk  a  cow." 

"Bet  I  do,"  she  said. 

She  was  pressed  for  particulars,  and  explained:  "You  take  the  cow 
into  the  barn  and  give  her  some  breakfast  food  and  water,  and  .hen 
you  drain  her  crankcase." 

255  BIRDS  OF  A  FEATHER 

Lawyer — Where  were  you  on  the  afternoon  of  the  16th? 

Defendant — With  a  couple  of  my  friends. 

Lawyer — Thieves,  probably. 

Defendant — Yes  sir,  lawyers  both  of  them. 

256  THAT  TIRED  FEELING 

"Oh,  Mr.  Flipperley,"  she  exclaimed,  soulfully,  "have  you  ever  felt  a 
dim,  uneasy  sense  of  oppression  as  if  the  mere  weight  of  life  wer.-.  a 
burden  too  heavy  to  be  borne  by  the  chained  spirit  panting  with 
psychic  longing  to  be  freed?" 

"Why,  yes,"  he  responded,  "but  I  thought  it  was  the  dandelion  wine 
I  made." 

257  LICKED 

Old  Gentleman  (seeing  the  small  colored  boy  was  having  some  trou- 
ble in  getting  away  with  the  large  melon  he  was  trying  tc  eat) — Too 
much  melon,  isn't  it  Rastus  ? 

Small  Colored  Boy — No,  sir,  boss,  not  enough  niggah. 

258  PLENTY  TOUGH 

"Black  boy,  my  f avver  was  so  tough  dat  when  dey  wante  d  to  harvest 
apples,  he'd  go  out  and  look  at  de  trees,  and,  black  boy,  dose  t/ees 
would  be  so  'fraid  dat  dey  would  shake  de  apple?  down." 

"Dat's  nuffin',  niggah.  My  f avver  was  tough.  Why,  one  day  whe  l  it 
was  98  in  de  shade,  my  f avver  went  out  to  look  at  de  tiermomt  ter. 
Well,  when  my  f avver  looked  at  dat  thermometer  de  mercury  got  so 
scared  dat  it  went  down  to  20  below  zero." 

259  CUTTING  EXPENSES 

Father  and  son  went  for  a  stroll  one  sweltering  day.  As.  they  pass  3d  a 
vendor  of  ice  cream  the  boy  turned  to  his  father  and  sail  lovingly. 

"I  vish  you'd  puy  me  some  ice  cream  fader.  I  do  feel  warm." 

His  father  gazed  at  him  for  a  few  seconds  in  mild  surprise,  rnd  .hen 
exclaimed: 

"No,  no  Ikey,  my  poy;  but  I'll  tell  you  vet  I'll  do.  I'll  tell  you  seme 
ghost  stories  vot'll  make  your  blood  run  cold." 

260  THE  PROBABLE  SOURCE 

Husband — Mary,  here's  a  hair  in  the  pie  crust. 

Wife — Looks  like  one  of  yours,  John.  It  must  have  come  off  the  roll- 
ing pint 


—36— 

DEPENDS  ON  CIRCUMSTANCES 

A  young  lady  recently  sent  this  question  to  the  editcr  of  a  ladies' 
\     ekly  journal: 

*L  o  you  think  it  right  for  a  girl  to  sit  in  a  man's  lap,  even  if  she    is 

gaged?" 

The  editor  spent  some  time  in  thought,  ?.nd  then  answered  her  as 
f (  Hows : 

"Yes;  if  it  were  our  girl  and  our  lap.  Yes,  again,  if  it  w.re  some  oth- 
t  fellow's  girl  and  our  lap.  But  if  it  were  our  girl  :.~d  some  other  fel- 
low's lap  emphatically  no.  We  do  not  approve  of  such  frivolity." 

21  ?  THAT  WOULD  BE  .EMBARASSING 

Wif  ey — John,  there  is  someone  in  the  pa  itry  and  I've  just  made  a  pie 
Hubb^ — Well,  it's  all  right  with  me  as  long  as  he  doesn't  die    in  the 
house. 

2(  3  WHAT  IS  IT  ALL  FOR? 

When  President  Wilson  was  in  New  York,  at  the  time  of  the  Second 
R?d  Cross  Drive,  he  mace  a  moving  plea  for  funds  to  carry  on  the 
v.  :>rk  of  the  organizatior,  when  he  appeared  before  a  l*\rge  ;  dience  at 
tl  e  Metropolitan  Opera  House.  , 

In  speaking  of  the  sympathy,  mutual  helpfulness,  and  comradeship 
05  free  men,  he  told  a  story  which  he  declared  was  "ridiculous,  but 
w)rth  repeating,  because  it  contained  a  germ  of  truth." 

An  Indian  was  enlisted  in  the  army.  He  returned  to  the  reservation 
oi;  a  furlough,  and  was  asked  what  he  thought  of  it.  He  replied,  "Not 
much  good;  too  much  salute;  no  much  shoot." 

Then  he  was  asked,  "Are    ">u  going  back?" 

"Yes." 

"Well,  do  you  know  what  you  are  fightiig  foi  ?" 

"Yes;  me  know.  Fight  to  make  whole  damn  world  Democratic  party.'' 

2(4  POLITICAL  GENEROSITY 

"I  am  very  much  impressed."  remarked  'he  personage  from  abroad. 
"1  y  the  extreme  genorosity  displayed  muti  ally  by  the  gentlemen  who 
designate  themselves  as  Democrats  and  Republicans." 

"I  don't  quite  see  where  you  get  that  generosity  idea,"  said  the 
si  mewhat  rugged  person. 

"I  am  surprised  that  you  should  fail  to  note  how  industriously  es.ch 
p.-.rty  points  out  to  the  other  exactly  wher?  it  is  making  its  most  ser- 
iois  mistakes." 

265  THE  HEIGHT  OF  DISCOMFORT 

Prof,  (in  biology  class) — Now,  children,  it  is  hard  to  realize,  but  the 
whale  shark  has  24,000  teeth  set  in  80  rows  of  300  teeth  each. 

Voice  from  the  rear — Oh,  my  goodness,  wouldn't  it  be  awful  if  he 
hj.d  pyorrhea  ? 

2(6  AMATEUR 

Jimmie:  "What  did  she  say  when  you  kissed  her  last  night?" 
His  Friend:  "She  said  I  should  come  on  Friday  hereafter,    as  that  is 
amateur's  night." 

2(  7  HIS  CRITERION  OF  EXCELLENCE 

Newrich — You've  made  my  tennis  court  very  small. 
Gardener — It's  the  regulation  size,  sir. 

Newrich — Regulations  be  hanged.  I  want  the  biggest  tennis  court  in 
the  country. 


-37- 

268  A  BOOMERANG 

The  husband,  who  had  a  ,*reat  habit  of  teasing  his  wife,  was  <  ut 
driv.ng  in  the  country  with  her,  when  they  met  a  farmer  driving  a  span 
of  n.ules.  Just  as  they  were  about  to  pass  the  farmer's  rig  the  mu.es 
turned  their  heads  toward  the  auto  and  brayed  vociferously. 

Turning  to  his  wife,  the  husband  cuttingly  remarked,  "Relatives  of 
yours,  I  suppose?" 

"Yes,"  said  the  wife,  sweetly,  "by  marriage." 

269  AVILLIN' 

The  widow  of  a  farmer  was  being  consoled  by  a  neighboring  farnnr, 
who  happened  to  be  a  widower.  "Cheer  up,  woman,"  ne  said.  "Ye  re 
young  yet  and  good-lookin',  an'  you  could  soon  get  another  husband." 

"Oh,  no,  no,"  she  replied;  "who  would  take  me?" 

"Why,  if  I  had  a  better  pair  o'  boots  on,  I'd  run  away  wi'  ye  mysel'!" 
said  the  widower,  gallantly. 

The  widow,  lifting  her  face  and  wiping  her  eyes,  said,  earnestly,  "I 
wonder  would  John's  fit  you?" 

270  A  REGULAR  CUT-UP 

"Doctor,  I've  just  received  your  bill.  Could  you  cut  anything  off  for 
cash?" 

"Yes,  my  dear  sir,  anything — an  arm  or  a  leg,  or  anything  else  you 
may  wish  removed." 

271  NOTHING  NEW 

A  stage  actor  applied  at  :i  movie  studio  for  a  part  in  a  screen  ph.y. 
"Are  you  accustomed  to  acting  without  an  audience?"  asked  the  pio- 
ducer. 

"Yes,"  said  the  actor,  sacly,  "that's  what's  brought  me  here." 

272  HOME  BREW 

Speaking  of  white  mule,  two  rustic  ;^orts  were  certainly  fliwcr- 
ing  their  way  home  from  th?  county  seat. 

"Bill,"  said  Kenry,  "I  wantcha  to  be  very  careful,  Firs'  thing  y' 
have  us  in  a  ditch." 

"Me?"  said  Bill  in  astonishment.  "Why  I  thought  you  was  driving.'4 

273  QUEERED  A  BARGAIN 

"Look  here,"  shouted  the  agitated  customer,  rushing  into  the   drug- 
store, "you  gave  me  strychnine  instead  of  quinine." 
"Then  that  will  be  10  cem  s  more,"  said  the  druggist. 

274  HE  KNEW  HIS  FATHER 

A  little  son  of  a  San  Fra  icisco  plumbing  inspector  repeatedly  ar- 
rived late  at  school.  One  daj'  the  principal  said  to  him:  "Next  time  you 
are  late  I'd  like  you  to  bring  an  excuse  from  your  father. 

"I  don't  want  to  bring  an  excuse  from  father,"  said  the  boy. 

"Why  not?" 

"He's  no  good  at  them.  Mother  always  finds  him  out." 

275  A  PRACTICAL  IDEALIST 

"At  last,  my  angel,"  said  the  happy  man  after  he  had  settled  with 
the  minister,  "we  are  really  and  truly  one." 

"Theoretically,  yes,"  rejoined  the  Lridc,  "but,  from  a  practical  stand- 
point, it  will  be  advisable  to  order  dinner  for  two." 


—38— 

276  TOUGH  LUCK 

First  Politician — "I  don't  think  much  of  this  sufragette  business." 
Sicond  Politician — Nether  do  I.  It  is  liable  to  get  so  that  .,  man  will 
have  to  buy  his  wife's  vote." 

277  NOT  A  PROFESSOR  EITHER 

C  instable — You  say  the  judge  is  absent-minded? 
Clerk — Well,  in  court  today  he  dismissed    the    prisoner,    sentenced 
the  jury,  scratched  his  desk,  and  hir  himself  on  the  head  with  the  gavel. 

278  HE  WAS  PUZZLED 

"I  thank  vcu  for  the  flowers  yod  sent,"  she  said. 

"Ifn  sorry  for  the  words  I  spoke  last  night. 
Your  sen(  ing  me  thsse  flowers  rrade  all  things  right. 
Will  you  .-'orgive  me?"  He  forgave  her. 
And  as  they  kissed  again  beneath  the  bowers, 

He  wondered  who  the  deuce  sent  her  those  flowers. 

279  A  NEW  DISH 

l  young  ::ouple  had  just  married  and  were  celebrating  their  first  ev- 
eni  .g  together  at  one  of  the  night  cubs  in  Washington.  They  had  pur- 
posely seleced  a  tabic  off  in  a  dark  corner  where  they  wouldn't  be 
pri'.d  upon  by  meddlesome  eyes.  The  lovers  were  whispering  sweet 
nothings  to  each  other  and  imaginec.  that  they  were  on  some  deserted 
isls  id  by  themselves  when  a  white-aproned  servant  confronted  them. 
"W.iat  would  you  like  to  have?"  asked  the  genial  waiter. 

"A  honey  moon  san  iwich,"  replied  the  young  man,  nungrily. 

"What  do  you  mea  i  by  a  'honey-mocn  ^andv.icli' V  inq..iied  the 
wai  ;er. 

".fust-lettuce  alone, '  said  the  newlywed. 

280  UPON  THE  LEVEE 

One  who  lias  often  visited  in  the  South  tells  the  following  story:  Two 
neg  roes  we:.e  ambling  along  the  streets  of  Louisville  in  the  days  when 
ele<  trie  car.:,  were  an  innovation  and  one  of  the  darkies,  on  seeing  the 
tro  ley  whiz  by,  asked  his  pal: 

",jiow  you  reckon  drt  kyar  gets  along?" 

"  *Vhy,  I'l  teil  you,"  answered  the  more  sophisticated  negro.  "De 
ky  ;r  gets  r.long  by  dat  little  wheel  dat  runs  on  de  wire." 

"  vVell,"  continued  the  first  darky,  lost  in  wonderment.  "Yankees  sut- 
tin".  7  are  de  mos*  wonderful  people  I  ever  see.  Dey  come  down  here  and 
set  de  niggers  free  an'  now  they've  set  the  mules  free,  too!" 

281  NOT  THE  VOGUE 

Hub — You  are  extravagant.  You  spend  money  for  unnecessary 
clothes. 

Wife — Absurd!  Unnecessary  clothes  are  not  in  fashion. 

282  OFF  TO  POOR  START 

I  astus  had  indulged  in  a  dice  game  that  hr.d  ended  in  a  free-for-all 
cut  ing  scrgpe.  "Why  didn't  you  lun  away  when  you  saw  trouble  com- 
ing ."'  one  of  Rastus'  white  acquaintances  inquired. 

"Boss,  Ah  did  run  away,"  asserted  Rastus. 

"  Then  you  didn't  run  fast  enough,  I  take  it,"  said  the  acquaintance. 

"Yes,  sah,  I  done  run  fast  enough  too,"  insisted  Rastus.  "De  trouble 
was  Ah  didn't  sta't  soon  enough!" 


—39— 

283  KITTY! 

"I  have  always  had  a  presertiment,"  she  said,  "that  I  should  die 
young." 

"Well,  dearie,"  remarked  he:.'  woman  friend,  "you  didn't  after  all, 
did  you?" 

284  LOOKING  FORWARD 

They  had  just  become  engaged. 

"I  shall    love,"  she  cooed,  "to  share  all  your  griefs  and  troubles." 

"But  darling,"  he  purred,  "I  have  none." 

"No,"  she  agreed;  "but  I  mean  when  we  are  married." 

285  SO  MUCH  FOR  THAT 

The  banker  politician  summed  up  his  candidacy  speech  with  these 
words : 

"The  secret  of  success  is  thii.  Can  you  earn  money  and  can  you  save 
it?" 

A  shabbily-dressed  man  arose  from  the  rear  of  the  audience  and 
proudly  held  out  a  dollar  bill. 

"I  can,  sir,"  he  shouted  proudly.  "This  is  the  dollar  I  got  when  I 
voted  for  you  a  year  ago." 

286  A  PROPOSITION 

All  through  his  long  illness  his  wife  had  been  his. devoted  nurse.  Of- 
ten he  had  awakened  in  the  si'.ence  of  the  night  to  find  her  sitting  by 
his  bedside  with  soothing  draughts  and  gentle  sympathy.  Now  he  was 
well  on  the  way  to  recovery.  "Mary,  I  shall  never  forget  it,"  he  told 
her.  "Your  sweetness  to  me  through  this  trying  time  sha.ll  always  be 
like  a  golden  corner  in  my  memory.  Why  did  you  do  it?" 

He  paused  dramatically,  hoping  to  hear  a  whispered  confession  that 
her  love  was  the  great  motive.  Instead,  she  replied,  calmly:  "Well,  John 
who  wants  a  widow  with  four  children?" 

287  SOMETHING  LACKING 

The  worried  countenance  of  the  bridegroom  at  a  Highland  wedding 
disturbed  the  best  man.  Tiptoeing  nervously  up  the  aisle,  he  whispered: 
"Why  do  ye  look  doonsperrr;ed,  Jock?  Hae  ye  lost  the  ring?" 
"No,"  blurted  ou  the  unhappy  Jock.  "But,  mon,  I've  lost  ma  enthusi- 
asm ." 

288  CONVINCE  HIM 

"I  can't  marry  him  mother.  He's  an  atheist,  and  doesn't  believe 
there's  a  hell." 

"Marrv  him,  my  dear,  and  between  us  we'll  convince  him  that  he's 
wrong." 

289  STRENGTH  OF  WILL 

The  defendant,  accused  of  stealing  chickens,  had  been  duly  examined 
in  court  and  at  the  conclusion  ;he  judge  said: 

"As  I  understand  it,  Sam,  y  >u  entered  the  henhouse  and  then  de- 
ciding to  resist  temptation,  left  it.  Is  that  correct?" 

"Yassuh,  Jedge.  Dass  about  right." 

"In  that  case,  can  you  explain  how  two  of  the  hens  were  missing?" 

"It  was  jes'  dis  way,  Jedge.  I  took  'em.  I  reckoned  I  was  entitled  to 
dat  many  fo'  leavin'  de  res'." 


—40— 

2&0  LOOK  FOR  BARGAINS 

Bargain-Hunting  Woman  to  Ticket  Agent — What    times    does    the 
next  train  leave  for  the  city  ? 
Ticket  Agent — At  3:45,  madam. 
Bargain  Hunter — Make  it  3:15  and  I'll  take  it. 

291  ,  HALF-SOLED 

"Young  man,  move  that  suitcase  out  of  the  aisle,"  said  a  conductor 
to  a  Texas  youth  on  a  passenger  train. 

"That  ain't  no  suitcase,"  replied  the  youth.  "That's  my  foot." 

"Well,  then,  put  your  foot  where  it  belongs,"  said  the  conductor. 

"If  I  did,"  replied  the  youth,  "you  wouldn't  ride  this  train  for  six 
months." 

292  FAST  MAIL 

"How  did  you  come  into  this  country?" 

"By  air." 

"Flying  machine0" 

"No,  stork." 

293  A  HINT 

Two  witnesses  were  at  the  Waterford  Assizes  in  a  case  which  con- 
cerned lcng-continued  poultry-stealing.  As  usual,  nothing  could  be  got 
from  them  in  the  way  of  evidence  until  the  nearly  baffied  prosecuting 
counsel  asked,  in  an  angry  tone  of  voice:  "Will  you  swear  on  your  soul 
Pat  Murphy,  that  Phady  Holligan  lias  never  to  your  knowledge  stolen 
chickens?" 

The  responsibility  of  this  was  toe  much,  even  for  Fat.  "Bedad,  I 
would  hardly  swear  by  my  soul,"  ht  said;  "but  I  do  know  that  if  I  was 
a  chicken  and  Phady  about  I'd  roos>  high!" 

294  THERE  IS  N'T  ANY 

"I  suppose  your  wife  always  wants  to  have  the  last  word." 
"Not  at  all,  she  prefers  to  keep  r  ght  on  talking." 

295  VALUABLE  EXPERIENCE 

Both  stage  ladies  were  after  a  job  and  the  booking  agent  had  but  one 
to  offer.  "Sorry,"  he  said,  "It's  all  I  have  that's  at  all  suited  to  either  of 
you  and  it  will  have  to  go  to  the  one  with  the  most  experience." 

"I  give  up,"  announced  the  younger  of  the  two.  "It's  her  part.  She 
dates  back  to  the  time  when  eggs  were  so  cheap  the  auJier.ce  threw 
'em  at  her." 

296  BLASPHEMY 

Gertie — I  heard  you  were  out  on  a  joy  ride  last  night. 
Bertie — It's  a  lie.  None  of  us  were  killed  or  cv  n  -Vjured. 

297  OH,  WILLIE,  WILLIE! 

Little  Willie  had  been  hearing  his  father  boast  t„  his  friends    of  his 
new  car  and  its  abi'ity  to  take  the  steepest  hills.  At  thi-  Si.aday  supper 
table  he  suddenly  astonished  his  parents  by  demanding: 
"Pa,  dees  the  Lord  Almighty  own  a  Trolls-Pierce  toe?" 
"Great  Scott,  no  son.  Whatever  put  that  idea  into  your  head?" 
"Well,  at  Sunday  School  we  had  a  hymn  that  went,  'If  I    love    Him, 
when  I  die  He  will  take  me  home  on  high.'  " 

298  DIDN'T  LIVE  UP  TO  AGREEMENT 

Wife — Before  you  were  married  you  said  mother  could  stay  with  us 
•  henever  she  pleased. 
Husband— Yes,  certainly — but  she  doesn":  pl^.-c. 


—41— 

299  CANDID 

Teacher:  "Why  should  we  celebrata  Wash  ngton's  birthday  mere 
than  nine?" 

High  I.  Q.:  "Because  he  never  told  a  lie." 

300  AN  EARLY  LOVE  STO*Y 

Eve:  Adam,  darling? 

Adam:  What  is  it,  Eve,  dearest? 

Eve:  If  you  had  had  but  one  rib,  would  you  iave  given  it  up  for  me? 

301  HER  EMPTY  PROGRAM 

During  the  course  of  a  social  function  in  Birmingham,  Alabama,  Miss 
Matilda  Jackson,  a  guest  from  a  rural  community  near  by,  to  whom 
such  a  functio  i  was  a  novelty,  was  approached  by  a  Mr.  Arlington,  who 
inquired  with  great  suavity,  "Miss  Jackson,  is  yo'  program  full?" 

"Lawdy,  no,  Mr.  Arlington,"  said  the  lady;  "it  takes  mo'  dan  a  sand- 
wich an'  two  olives  J:o  fill  man  program!" 

302  PERFECT  RESEMBLANCE 

A  slightly  hilarious  gentleman  had  mistakenly  thrown  his  arms 
about  a  totally  strange  woman.  He  hastened  to  apologize. 

"  'Scuse  me,  ma'am,"  he  gasped.  "I  thought  you  were  m'  wife." 

"Yoi're  a  fine  husband  for  any  woman  to  lave,  you  sot!"  screamed 
the  lady  in  a  rage. 

"There,  y'  see!"  ejaculated  the  gentleman  triumphantly.  "Y'  talk 
jus'  like  her  too!" 

303  HE  FORGOT  TO  REMEMBER 

Professor — I  forgot  my  umbrella  this  morning,  dear. 
Wife — How  did  you  come  to  remember  you  had  forgotten  it? 
Prfessor — Weil,  I  shouldn't  have  missed  it,  dear,  only    I  raised    my 
hand  to  shut  it  when  it  stopped  raining. 

304  IDEAL 

Bored  Father — "This  is  just  the  place  for  cur  picnic.  There's  a  hor- 
nets' rest,  and  a  bull  in  the  next  field,  and  a  brook  for  the  children  to 
fall  in,o." 

305  IN  PLAIN  ENGLISt 

The  girl  had  evaded  his  persistent  proposals  of  marriage  with  soft 
words  intended  to  allay  the  hurt  of  hor  definii  e  and  inevitable  refusal. 
Exasperated,  he  turned  upon  her. 

"In  plain  English,  will  you  marry  me,  or  no  ?" 

"Hell,  no."  she  replied. 

306  A  SAFE  MARGIN 

The  stockholder  was  very  ill,  and  at  times  dBlirious.  In  one  of  his 
lucid  moments  he  ask^d  the  nurse,  vl.at  the  List  reading  had  shown 
his  temperature  to  be. 

"One  hundred  and  one,"  replied  the  nurse. 

"Good,"  said  the  patient,  "When  it  ;rets  to  10iy2,  sell." 

307  EFFECTIVE  SOLICITATION  FOR  A  WORTHY  CAUSE 

A  meek  little  musician  entered  the  private  office  of  a  blunt  and  busy 
real  estate  magnate,  and  humbly  asked:  "Sir,  would  you  please  con- 
tribute five  dollars  to  help  bury  a  poor  saxophone  player?" 

"Sure,"  blurted  the  business  man,  "here  is  fifty  dollars;  go  and  bury 
ten  of  them!" 


-42— 

308  MASCULINE  TACT 

Sylvester:  How  did  you  make  Miss  Brown  think  you  were  the 
finest  fe  low  in  t\e  world? 

Chollie:  I  sent  her  nineteen  beautiful  roses  on  her  twenty-  seventh 
birthday. 

309  A  PERFECT  FIT 

"Liza/'  Mrs.  Barr  shouted  down  tho  back  st  irs  to  her  colored 
laundress,  "I  have  a  drawerful  of  good  collars  that  belonged  to  Mr. 
Barr;  if  they  will  fit  your  sweetheart  he  can  have  them." 

"Heah  dat,  sugar?"  Liza  whispered  to  her  gentleman  friend  who  vras 
turning  "..he  wringer.  "Whut  size  does  you-all  wear?" 

"Lemne  see,"  was  the  equally  low  reply.  "Ah  wears  thutteen,  thut- 
teen  'n  half,  fo'teen,  fo'teen  'n  a  half,  fifteen,  fifteen  'n  a  half,  sixteen, 
sixteen  '  i  a  half,  seventeen,  eight " 

"Yas'r.i,"  Liza  shouted  back.  "Dey'll  fit!" 

310  PRESENCE  OF  xMIND 

The  traffic  policeman  had  made  a  mistake.  He  had  ordered  a  car  to 
stop  whin  there  was  i-eally  no  reason.  The  driver,  a  middle-aged  woman, 
was  justly  indignant.  "Pardon  me,  madam,"  said  the  officer,  "but  I 
thought  at  first  you  were  too  young  to  drive." 

311  COINCIDENCE 

Tobe — "Se  hyah,  woman!  Didn'  Ah  see  yo'  kissin'  a  no-'count  piece  o' 
trash  las'  night?" 

Liza— "Gwan,  Tobe.  It  was  so  dark  Ah  thought  it  was  yo'." 

Tobe — "Come  to  think  on  it,  mebbe   twas  me — wh^t  time  was  dat?" 

312  COMPLETELY  DEMORALIZED 

Mrs.  Newlywed  (indignantly) — I've  told  you  to  keep  out  of  the 
kitchen,  Dick.  Now  see  what  you've  dene — knocked  down  my  cookery 
book  anc.  lost  my  page,  and  I  haven't  the  faintest  idea  what  I  was 
cooking! 

313  THE  AWOL 

The  chief  engineer  mounted  to  the  bridge  of  the  Ark  and  accosted 
Skipper  Moah. 

"Sir,"  he  asked,  "did  you  say  we  have  a  pair  of  everything  aboard?" 

"We  have." 

"Wish  I  coud  be  sure  of  it,"  sighed  the  C.  E.  "I  can't  find  my  beevee- 
dees  anywhere." 

314  HARD  ON  THE  ROAD 

Mrs.  Jones:  "Tommy,  have  you  seen  Willie  Jones?" 
Tommy:  "Yes,  mam,  and  the  steam  roller  man  is  raising  cain." 
Mrs.  Jones:  "And  why  is  he  raising  cain?" 

Tommy:  "The  steam  roller  just  ran  ever  Willie,  and  some  marbles  he 
had  in  his  pocket,  dented  the  new  road." 

315  TIT  FOR  TAT 

"Look  here,  Jones,  this  is  the  fifth  time  I've  had  to  ask  you  for  that 
$5  1  lent  you!" 

"But,  my  dear  fellow,  think  how  many  times  I  had  to  .*  sk  you  be- 
fore you  let  me  have  it!" 


—43— 

316  GARDEN  NOTE 

One  morning  Brown  looked  over  his  garden  wall  and  said  to  his 
neighbor.  "Look  he?e,  what  are  you  burying  in  iiat  hole?" 

"Oh,"  he  said,  "I'm  just  replanting  some  of  my  seeds,  that's  all." 

"Seeds!"  shouted  Brown  angrily.  "It  looks  mere  like  one  of  my 
hens." 

"It  is!  The  seeds  are  inside." 

317  FOR  EMERGENCY 

"I  want  to  buy  a  car,"  meek  Mr.  Smitl  i  inform  3d  the  salesman  bash- 
fully, as  he  walked  into  the  big  automobJe  salesroom. 

"Ah,  yes,"  replied  that  energetic  youn ;  man,  "and  how  large  a 
family  have  you?" 

"Er — there  are  six  besides  myself.", 

"We  have  just  the  model  you  want,"  assertec.  the  salesman.  "A 
compact  litttle  roadster  wr;h  a  quick  ge  ;-away." 

318  allon:ce 

Biggs — "Gonna  make  any  New  Year's  resolutions?" 

Jiggs — "Don't  need  any." 

Biggs — "Hew  come?" 

Jiggs — "Haven't  used  the  ones  I  made  back  ir  1920  yet." 

319  FOR  HARVARD  MEN  ONIY 

"So  you're  going  to  Harvard  now,  Bill  old  boy!  Why  didn't  you  go  to 
Princeton  or  Yale?" 

"Well,  you  see,  Earry  old  thin<£,  I  had  already  been  to  prep  school 
four  years." 

320  ADVANTAGE  OF  WEALTH 

"Mummie,  why  dDes  Unc's  John  eat  off  his  kni  ?e?"  asked  little  Joan. 
"Hush,  dear!"  replied  mother,  in  an  agonized  whisper.  "Uncle    John 
is  rich  erough  to  eat  off  the  coal  shovel  if  he  prefers  it." 

321  SYSTEM 

"Are  you  sure  ths  train  would  stop  if  I  pulled  the  bell-cord?"  in- 
quired a  nervous  passenger. 

"Of  course  it  would, "  replied  the  conductor,  wl.o  was  pretty  sick  of 
this  sort  of  thing.  "The  othjr  end  is  tied  around  :he  engineer's  neck." 

322  SUFFICIENT 

"This  check  is  doubtless  all  right,'"  said  the  manager  politely,  "but 
have  you  anything  about  you  by  which  you  couK  be  identified?" 
The  pretty  young  thing  faltered:  "I  have  a  mo  e  on  my  left  knee." 

323  THIS  ART! 

Schram,  the  artist — I  do  wish  you  would  watch  that  child.  He  has 
spoilt  two  of  my  pictures  already. 
Wife  (after  anxious  scrutiny) — Which  two,  dear? 

324  TRAINING  A  NEW  HARDWARE  MAN 

Mr.  Eichenstein  returned  home  from  his  hardware  store  and  found 
his  wife  rocking  the  baby  snd  singing,  "By-low,  baby,  by-3ow;  by-low, 
baby,  by-low — " 

"Dot's  right,  Sarah.  You  teach  him  to  buy  low,  and  I'll  teach  him  to 
sell  high." 


—44.— 

325  HOW  DISAPPOINTING 

Mrs.  Bride — That  vaccum  cleaner  Uncle  Bimbo  gave  me  for  a  wed- 
ding present  is  a  complete  failure.  You  ought  to  see  all  the  dirt  that 
has  accumulated  in  my  house. 

Mrs.  Nayber — Maybe  you  don't  work  it  right. 

Mrs.  Bride — Do  you  have  to  work  it?  I  thought  that  as  it  is  run  by 
electricity  it  wouldn't  need  anyone  to  operate  it. 

326  TEACHING  TH  E  OFFICE  BOY 

Th^  office  boy  rushed  into  the  boss'  office  v. ;th  his  hat  on  one  side  of 
his  head  and  shouted,  "Hey,  boss!  I  want  to  get  off  to  go  to  the  ball 
game." 

"William,"  said  the  boss,  "that  is  no  way  to  ask.  Sit  here  at  the  desk 
and  I  will  show  you  how." 

He  went  from  the  room  and  returned  with  his  hat  in  his  hand,  say- 
ing, "Please,  Mr.  Smith,  may  I  go  to  the  ball  game  this  afternoon?" 

"Sure,"  said  Billy,  "here  is  50  cen:s  for  a  ticket." 

327  TIME  WILL  TELL 

"Is  Mrs.  Gunn,  the  defendant,  a  p:*etty  woman?" 
'  "I  c'on't  know — the  jury  is  still  out." 

328  LOBSTERS,  ATTENTION 

The  waiter  was  taking  the  order  of  a  pretty  girl  who  was  accom- 
panied by  a  florid  middle-aged  man 

"Ard  how  about  the  lobster?"  tha  wai:er  inquired. 
"Oh,  he  can  order  whatever  he  likes." 

329  SWEET  REVENGE 

Lady  of  the  House — 1  gave  you  a  piece  of  pie  last  week,  and  you've 
been  sending  your  friends  here  ever  since. 

Tranp — You're  mistaken,  lady.  Them  was  my  enemies!" 

330  TOO  MUCH  HASTE 

Jud  ?e  Landis  was  a  much  feared  questiDner  when  he  sat  on  the  Fed- 
eral Bench  at  Chicago.  Whenever  he  began  to  "look  through"  a  wit- 
ness, he  frightened  all  thoughts  of  evasion  from  the  witness'  mind.  One 
day  there  appeared  before  him  Abie,  who  was  involved  in  the  burning 
of  his  store. 

"What  time  did  you  take  out  you:*  insurance  papers,  Abie?"  asked 
the  Judge. 

"At  9  o'clock,  your  Honor,"  responded  Abie. 

"What  time  did  the  fire  start?"  c.emanded  the  Judge. 

"Twelve  o'clock,"  faltered  the  nervous  Abie. 

"Why  the  unnecessary  delay?"  thundered  Landis;  and  in  confusion 
Abie  faltered,  "Our  fire  sale  ads  were  not  done!" 

331  THIS  MONTH'S  SCOTCH  STORY 

Donald  MacTavish  lay  a-dying.  He  had  been  all  day  about  it,  and  his 
wife  who  had  watched  with  patient  expectancy  since  early  morn,  be- 
gan to  feel  the  urge  of  her  neglected  household  duties. 

"Aweel  Don,"  she  said,  as  she  moved  the  light  to  the  table  by  his  bed, 
"I  must  gang  along  to  the  kitchen  the  noo.  Ye'll  no  be  takin'  yer  de- 
parture afore  I  come  back.  But  if  ye  should,  ye'll  blow  oot  the  candle 
afore  ye  dee,  will  ye  ?  " 


332  A  GOOD  WORD  FOR  HIM 

Hans  Schmidt  was  reputed  to  be  the  meanest  man  in  the  neighbor- 
hood. He  died.  His  body  was  placed  in  the  grave,  and  according  to  an 
old  Pennsylvania  German  custom  the  people  stood  around  the  open 
grave,  waiting  for  someone  to  say  some  good  thing  about  the  deceased 
before  filling  the  grave.  After  a  long  wait,  Gustave  Schulze  said: 
"Well,  I  can  say  joost  one  good  thing  about  Hans;  he  wasn't  always  as 
mean  as  he  was  sometimes." 

333  A  LITTER 

Murphy  had  just  been  presentee,  with  triplets  and  was  so  elated  ov- 
er the  event  that  he  called  in  everybody  to  see  them.  Among  the  vis- 
itors was  Hogan. 

"An'  what  do  ye  think  ot  that?  '  demanded  the  proud  father,  point- 
ing to  his  row  of  offsprings. 

"Well,"  replied  Hogan  judically,  looking  the  babies  over  carefully 
and  pointing  at  an  especially  healthy  specimen.  "I'd  be    keepin'    that 


334  SCIENTIFIC  CLASSIFICATION 

Lige — Ah  tells  yuh,  Mose,  dat  Ah  done  foun'  out  de  diffunce  between 
de  men  an'  de  women  at  las'. 

Mose — Go  long,  Lige;  it  would  take  a  heap-lot  smarter  man  dan  you 
ter  find  out  dat.  But  let's  henb.  whut  you  got  ter  say  esbout  it. 

Lige — Why,  Mose;  a  man'll  gib  :£2  fer  a  $1  thing  dat  he  wants,  an'  a 
woman'll  gib  $1  fer  a  $2  thing  dab  she  don't  want. 


335  AS  IT  HAPPENS 

They  were  clustered  around  one  of  the  machine  shop  checker  player 
gj'oups  on  the  main  floor,  the  other  noon,  and  one  of  the  onlookers 
told  a  story  which  was  both  tall  ar  d  wide.  The  listeners  took  it  in  sol- 
emnly and  in  silence  when  up  spoke  one  as  having  authority: 

"Do  you  know  what  you  remind  me  of?"  said  he. 

"No,"  replied  the  story  teller.  "What  is  it?" 

"You  remind  me  of  a  chap  who  dyes  lamb's  wool,"  said  the  man, 
"only  he's  a  lamb  dyer  and  you  are  something  that  sounds  very 
similiar." 


336  HANDY  HUSBAND 

"Hear  about  Jenks  ?  He's  a  somnambulist,  you  know." 
"Well?" 

"He  awoke  this  morning  and  discovered  that  he  had    been    walking 
the  floor  all  night  with  the  baby  in  his  arms." 

337  AGED  ADVERTISING  ADAGE 

The  codfish  lays  a  million  eggs 

While  the  helpful  hen  lays  one, 
But  the  codfish  does  not  cackle 

To  tell  what  she  has  done. 
And  so  we  scorn  the  codfish  coy, 

But  the  helpful  hen  we  prize, 
Which  indicates  f  >  thoughtful  minds 

Tt  pays  to  advertise, 


—46— 

338  TOO  MUCH  HAEP 

Mike  and  Pat  had  bsen  pals.  When  Pat  died  he  went  to  heaven,  while 
Mike  went  to  the  other  place. 

One  day  Pat  thougr  t  he  would  call  Mike  v.p  to  see  how  he  was  get- 
ting along. 

"Mike  how  are  you  getting  along  down  there,"  said  Pat. 

"0!  Not  so  bad.  All  I  have  to  do  is  to  put  coal  into  the  furnace,  and 
hang  out  the  stars  an  I  moon  at  night  and  bring  them  back  ir  again  in 
the  morning:,"  said  Mike. 

"Is  that  all  you  ha-e  to  do!  !  !  !  You  have  it  much  easier  by  a  long 
ways  than  I  have.  Why  I  have  to  practice  twelve  hours  a  day  to  learn 
to  play  the  HARP." 

339  BACK  UP 

"I  have  brought  a  r  ill  for  your  husband. 

"He  has  left  for  the  country " 

"A  bill  that  I  want  ;o  pay " 

"But  he  came  back  ihis  morning." 

340  NOT  GUILTY 

Mandy — ''Mose,  is  :to'  sho'  yo'  didn't  marry  me  fo'  mah  job?" 
Mose — "Co'se  ah  diin't  gal!  Lawsy,  no!  Yo*  jes'  go  ahaid    an'    keep 
yo'  ol'  job!" 

341  WORTHLESS 

The  door  of  the  hardware  shop  in  Bloody  Gulch  ovung  'pen  and 
Wild  Joe.  the  worst  Dian  in  tuwn,  entered  in  a  stats  of  indig:  ation. 

"I'm  bringm*  this  g an  back."  he  roared.  ''It  ain't  what  you  said  it 
was.  You  told  me  it  vas  a  six-shooter." 

"Why,  it  is  a  six-sr  ooter,"  protested  the  dealer. 

"It  ain't.  I  been  sh(  otin'  all  afternoon  with  i':  an'  only  killed  five 
men!" 

342  INTESTINAL  FORTITUDE 

"Thank  yo,  mam.  I  never  tasted  better  ft:  3  in  my  life,  mum.  Would 
ye  mind  giving  me  tr  2  recipe  for  a  lady  0"v  er  on  the  other  end  of  the 
town  what  never  turr  s  a  poor,  hungry  mar  down?" 

343  DOW*   WITH  THE  RICH 

A  Baltimore  lawye  •  received  the  following  letter  from  a  client: 
"Dear  Sir:  My  boy  got  struck  by  an  aut:  mobile,  number  4372  6B.  If 
the  owner  is  rich,  sue  him  at  mee.  The  boy  wasn't  bruised  any,  but  on 
your  notifying  me  tfo  t  you  have  brought  s  cat,  I  will  hit  him  in  two  or 
three  places  with  a  h?  mmer." 

344  COURTING  A  LA  MODE 

Sambo — Mandy,  ca  1  I  kiss  you? 
Mandy — Piggly  Wi^gly. 
Sambo — What  you  ill  mean  ? 
Mandy — Help  yo'se  f . 

345  HE  W  IS  THE  "DOER" 

"What  position  did  you  hold  in  vour  last  place?"  asked  the  merchant 

"I  was  a  doer,  sir." 

"A  doer!  What's  that?" 

"Well  sir,  3  ou  see,  vhen  m  employer  wanted  anvthing  done  he 
would  tell  the  cashier,  the  cashier  would  tell  the  bookkeeper,  the  book- 
keeper would  tell  the  :lerk  and  the  clerk  would  tell  me?" 

"And  what  would  happen  then?" 

"Well,  sir,  as  I  hadi't  anyone  to  tell  it  to,  I'd  do  it.'* 


—47— 

346  THAT'S  NOT  MAYBE 

Son:  "Dad,  what  does  a  'better-half  mean?" 
Dad:  "Just  what  she  says." 

347  NO  S  JCH  PLACE 

"Where  did  the  car  hit  this  iran?"  asked  Lawyer  Garner  when  ques- 
tioning the  attending  physician  at  the  trial. 

"At  the  junction  of  the  dorsa.  and  cervical  vertebrae,"  responded  the 
doctor. 

The  foreman  of  the  jury  rose  in  his  seat  and  remarked:  "I've  lived 
in  this  country  for  upwards  of  ifty  years  and  I  know  every  crossroad, 
but  I  never  heard  of  any  such  ^lace;  I  believe  it's  a  made-up  case." 

348  PROFICIENT 

Mrs.  Campbell — Why  did  your  husband  discharge  his  stenographer? 
Wasn't  she  capable?" 

Mrs.  Dennis — Capable  of  any;hing! 

349  SEL  F  SERVICE 

"I  never  feed  tramps,"  the  housewife  severely  informed  the  pan- 
handler. 

"I  ain't  asking  yer  ter,  lady,':  he  whined.  "Jest  gimme  the  grub  an' 
I'll  feed  meself." 

350  NOT  SO  FAR  OFF 

Pat  was  a  stranger  to  American  dishes  and  had  just  been  introduced 
to  his  first  order  of  corn  on  the  cob.  After  having  eagerly  devDured  the 
succulent  corn,  he  passed  to  his  hostess  the  despoiled  cob  with  the  nat- 
ural request: 

"Will  ye  please  put  some  more  peas  on  me  stick?" 

351  APPRECIATIVE 

"Where  is  the  car?"  demanded  Mrs.  Diggs. 

"Dear  me!"  ejaculated  Profesisor  Diggs.  "Did  I  take  the  car  out?" 

"You  certainly  did.  You  drove  it  to  town." 

"How  odd!  I  remember  now  that  after  I  got  out  I  turned  around  to 
thank  the  gentleman  who  gave  me  the  lift  and  wondered  where  he  had 
gone." 

352  THE  ONLY  OPENING 

"My  advice  to  you,"  declared  the  club  manager,  handing  the  recruit 
shortshop  his  release,  "would  be  to  join  one  of  the  Twenty  Thousand 
leagues  Under  the  Sea." 

353  ANOTHER  OPERATION 

A  man,  whose  wife  had  gone  through  several  surgical  operations,  on 
arriving  home  one  evening,  fou?id  a  note  lying  on  the  daily  pa  .er  where 
he  would  find  it.  On  reading  it,  he  picked  un  his  hat  aril  made  a  hur- 
ried trip  to  the  hospital.  The  Superintendent  met  him,  when  he  said: 
"Is  mv  wife  in  here  some  place?" 

Supt.:  "No  sir;  but  what  reason  have  you  to  think  she  war,  here?'* 
Hubby:  "She  left  a  note  at  liDme    for  me,  saying    'I  have    gore    to 
have  my  kimona  cut  out.'  " 

354  A  REAL  SALESMAN 

Clerk — Here  is  a  remarkable  utensil — a  can  opener,  a  pan  lifter  and 
a  tack  puller,  all  in  one. 

Customer — But  suppose  I  want  the  girl  to  open  a  can  of  soup  and 
my  husband  to  pull  some  tacks,  while  I  lift  the  pans  on  the  ,;tove. 

Clerk — Yery  easy.  All  you  have  to  do  is  to  buy  three — anything  else? 


355  A  DREADFUL  BLOW 

"Yes,"  said  the  tall  m;  n,  "I  have  had  mam-  disappointments,  but 
none  stands  out  like  the  me  that  came  to  me  when  I  was  a  boy.,; 

"Swme  terrible  shock  1hat  fixed  itself  indelibly  in  you  memory,  I 
suppose?" 

"Exactly,"  Sc.id  the  tall  man,  "I  had  crawled  under  a  tent  to  see  the 
circus  and  I  discovered  it  was  a  revival  meeting." 

35  NO  LOAFING  ALLOWED. 

""You've  walked  to  the  end  of  the  room  for  a  drink  of  water  three 
times  in  the  last  half  ho  ir,"  roaied  the  office  manager  to  a  new  clerk. 
"We're  trying  to  practice;  efficiency  in  this  offhe." 

"I  know,"  placidly  agrsed  the  clerk,  "and  I  just  want  to  see  that  we 
get  our  money's  worth  out  of  that  cooler." 

357  OLD— E  UT  RELIABLE 

"Any  rags,  any  old  iron?"  cried  the  shabby  old  man  as  he  knocked 
at  the  door. 

The  owner  opened  the  door.  "No,  nothing,"  he  saiu.  "My  wife's  away. 
There's  nothing  at  all  fcr  you." 

The  old  man  winked. 

"Any  empty  bottles  ?"  he  askec. 

358  TH  S  WAGES  OF  DEATH 

A  psychic  investigator  had  at  last  succeeded  in  getting  in  touch  with 
a  new  spirit. 

"Would  it  be  possible  for  me  to  photograph  you?"  he  inquired. 

"It  would,  for  fifty  thousand  dollars,"  returned  the  spook.  "I'm  the 
ghost  of  a  football  star." 

359  SAFER 

"Girls  were  harder  to  kiss  in  your  day,  weren't  they,  granipa?" 
"Mebbe,  mebbe,"  ventured  the  old    gentleman,    "but    il;    wasn't    so 

blame  dangerous.  The  old  parlor  sofa  wouldn't  smash  into  a  tree  about 

that  time." 

360  OBEYED  INSTRUCTIONS 

Mother — Were  you  go  )d  at  the  party. 

Six-Year-Old— Yes.  % 

Mother — You  didn't  a^k  twice  for  anything  at  the  table? 
Six-Year-Old — No,  I  didn't.  I  asked  once,  and  they  didn't  hear  me,  so 
I  helped  myself. 

361  AS  IS 

At  the  grave  of  the  departed,  the  old  darky  pastor  stood,  hat  in  hand. 
Looking  into  the  abyss  l.e  delivered  himself  of  the  funeral  oration. 

"Samuel  Johnson,"  he  said  sorrowfully,  "you  is  gone.  An'  we  hopes 
you  is  gone  where  we  'specks  ycu  ain't." 

362  A  CURE 

Smiff  was  always  com olaining  of  his  wife's  memory.  "She  can  never 
remember  anything,"  he  said,  "It's  awful!" 

"My  wife  v,as  just  as  bad/'  said  Bjones,  "till  I  found  a  capital 
recipe." 

"What  was  it?"  asked  Smiff,  eagerly. 

"Why,"  said  Bjones,  '  whenever  there's  anything  particular  I  want 
her  to  remember,  I  write  it  on  ..  slin  of  paper  and  keep  it  in  my  trous- 
ers pocket." 


—49— 

363  YES,  INDEED 

"The  more  a  man  has  the  more  he  wants,"  said  the  fat  man. 
"You  wait  until  you  have  triplets  in  the  house    and    3  -  u'll    change 
your  mind",  replied  the  thin  man. 

364  EVIDENCE 

"I  always  do  the  little  things  well,"  announce  1  the  lunch  counter 
clerk. 

"I  see,"  nodded  the  customer.  "So  that's  how  you  got  this  job  mak- 
ing sandwiches." 

365  NEIGHBORLY  LOVE 

Visitor — Wht  sort  of  a  man  is  that  fellow  J.  Oyley  Gouge;  can  I  re- 
ly on  what  he  says  ? 

Native — I  don't  want  to  say  anything  against  one  of  my  neighbors, 
but  my  idea  of  him  is  that  he  would  make  a  first-class  stranger. 

366  WELL,  DID  THEY? 

With  the  minister's    assistance,    a  prohibition    agent    managed    to 

round  up  a  good  share  of  home  brew  in  the  town  of  0- ,  and  as  an 

exemplary  rebuke,  dumped  all  into  the  river.  The  next  day  at  church 
the  minister  waxed  so  eloquent  tellling  about  the  big  liquor  clean-up 
that  he  forgot  which  hymn  was  to  be  sung  at  the  close  of  the  sermon. 
Thinking  to  meet  the  emergency,  he  said,  "Let  us  sing  Hymn  No.  119." 
Imagine  the  consternation  of  the  congregation  when,  turning  to  the 
hymn,  they  found  it  to  be,  "Shall  We  Gather  at  the  River?" 

367  ACCLIMATIZED 

Dumb :  "There  goes  a  Florida  real  estate  agent  who  makes  big 
money  selling  goldfish  as  a  side  line." 

Bell:  "That  sounds  like  a  funny  combination." 
.    Dumb:  "Not  at  all.  Goldfish  are  the  only  pets  that  can  live  where  he 
sells  his  lots." 

368  A  FREE  TRANSLATION 

Lord  Babbington  was  instructing  his  new  colored  servant  in  his  du- 
ties, adding:  "Now,  Zeke,  when  I  ring  for  you,  you  must  answer  me  by 
saying,  "My  Lord,  what  will  you  have'?" 

A  few  hours  afterwards,  having  occasion  to  summon  the  servant, 
his  lordship  was  astonished  at  the  following: 

"My  Gawd,  what  does  you  want  now?" 

369  FILIAL  FIDELITY 

A  magician  said:  "Now,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  I  n-ill  show  you  my 
very  latest  trick,  but  to  perform  it  I  must  ask  some  1  oy  fruin  the  aud- 
ience to  step  up  here." 

Almost  at  once  a  boy  arose  from  his  place. 

You'll  do,"  said  the  magician. 

The  boy  marched  up  to  the  stage. 

"Now,  my  little  man,"  k  egan  the  magician,  in  a  loud  voice,  "you  and 
I  have  never  seea  each  other  before  have  we?" 

"No,  papa,"  replied  the  boy. 

370  ADVANCE  INFORMATION 

Jenks  (single) :  "When  I  marry  I'm  going  to  be  the  boss  or  know  the 
reason  why." 

Jenkiss  (married) :  "Well,  I  know  the  reason  why  already/ 


—50— 

371  DRIVING  ALONG  IN  THE  TWILIGHT 

Driver  (to  sweet  young  thing) : :  "I  can  see  that  I'm  only  a  pebble 
in  your  life." 

S.  Y.  T.:  "That's  all,  but  I  wish  you  were  a  little  boulder." 

372  GETTIN'  THAR 

Hiram  had  walked  four  miles  over  an  Ozark  mountain  peak  to  call 
on  his  lady  fair.  For  a  time  they  sat  silent  on  a  bench  by  the  side  of  a 
log  cabin,  but  soon  the  moon,  as  moons  do,  had  its  effect,  and  Eiram 
sidled  closer  to  her  and  patted  her  hand. 

"Mary,"  he  began,  "y'  know  I  got  a  clearin'  over  thar  and  a  team 
an'  wagon  an'  some  hay  an'  cows  an'  I  cal'late  o~  buildin'  a  house  this 
fall  and — 

Here  he  was  interrupted  by  Mary's  mother  who  had  been  awakened. 
"Mary,"  she  called  in  a  loud  voice,  "is  that  young  man  thar  yit?" 

Back  came  the  answer.  "No,  maw,  but  he's  gittin'  thar." 

373  NOT  IN  THAT  BUSINESS 

Book  Agent — Have  you  a  Charles  Dickens  in  your  home? 

Lady — No! 

Book  Agent — Or  a  Robert  Louis  Stevenson  ? 

Lady — No! 

Book  Agent — Or  a  Gene  Field  ? 

Lady — No;  we  ain't,  and,  what's  more,  we  don't  run  no  boarding 
house  here,  r~ither.  If  you're  looking  for  them  fellows,  vou  might  try 
the  house  across  the  street. 

374  WANTED  TO  SEE  ONE 

"I  want  a  copy  of  the  magazine  called  Posterity, ''  said  the  lady  at 
the  news  stand. 

"No  such  animal,  mum,"  assured  the  dealer. 

"Yes,  there  is  too!  My  gentleman  friend  is  a  writing  fello—  and 
when  I  asked  him  if  he  wrote  deteckcrtifT  stuff  he  Sctid,  no,  he  writes 
for  Posterity,  and  I  want  to  see  one  of  his  things." 

375  AGAIN  THI  SCOT 

Sandy,  the  farmer,  had  been  staying  with  some  friends  for  about  a 
month,  and  v  hile  he  and  his  host  were  out  for  a  walk  one  day  they 
called  at  a  wayside  inn  for  a  drink. 

As  his  host  was  about  to  pay  for  it  Sandy  stopped  him. 

"Na,  na,"  he  said,  "I'll  not  allow  it.  Ye've  been  keeping  me  in  every- 
thing at  yer  house  for  a  month,  and  ye've  treated  me  to  the  theatres, 
and  cab  fares,  and  paid  for  all  the  drinks.  I'll  tell  ye,  I'll  hae  nae  mair 
of  it.  We'll  toss  x  r  this  one." 

376  STILL  YOUNGER 

A  small  English  boy,  aged  four,  had  just  told  his  uncle  that  he  had 
been  to  a  party. 

"Indeed,"  said  the  uncle;  "why,  you  must  have  bee'n  the  youngest 
there." 

"Oh,  no,"  answered  the  youngster  in  a  very  lofty  manner,  "there 
was  another  gentleman  who  came  in  a  perambulator." 

377  LO,  THE  POOR  INDIAN! 

"No  wonder  the  Indians  didn't  want  to  fight  after  smoking  the  peace 
pipe,"  mused  Johnny  after  tackling  his  first  cigar. 


—51— 

378  LECTURE  MATERIAL 

Jacob — "My  wife  explored  my  pockets  last  night." 
Julius— "What  did  she  get?" 

Jacob — "About  the  same  as  any  other  explorer — enough  material  for 
a  lecture." 

379  THE  PROFESSOR  AGAIN 

The  professor  was  a  very  absent-minded  man>  but  he  looked  up  as 
some  of  his  family  trooped  into  his  study.  "Well,  children,  what  do  you 
want?"  he  said. 

"We've  i  ome  to.  say  good-night,  daddy!"  they  all  shouted. 

"Well,"  said  the  professor,  absent-mindedly,  "wait  till  tomorrow 
morning.  I'm  much  too  busy  now." 

380  IN  REVERSE' 

Fair  accused:  "I  wasn't  going  thirty  miles  an  hour — not  twenty — 
not  even  ten;  in  fact,  when  the  officer  came  up  I  was  practically  stand- 
ing still!" 

Magistrate:  "One  moment,  I  must  stop  this  or  you  will  be  backing 
into  something.  One  dollar  and  costs. 

381  HOW  ABOUT  THE  OTHERS? 

She  wanted  to  be  his  private  secretary  and  had  come  to  his  office  to 
apply  for  the  post.  She  looked  neither  young  nor  pretty,  which  was  a 
shame,  since  she  had  tried  so  hard. 

"And  how  old  are  you,  Miss  Neill?"  he  inquired  prssently. 

"Oh,"  she  replied,  with  a  blush,  "I  have  seen  18  happy  summers." 

"What  an  unhappy  life  you  must  have  led!"  he  exclaimed,  sympa- 
thetically. 

382  GONE  BUT  NOT  FORGOTTEN 

A  Marthas  Vineyard  citizen  was  notified  by  his  board  of  health  that 
a  permit  to  keep  his  pig  had  expired.  Back  came  the  reply:  "Dear  Board 
of  Helt:  Thank  you  for  tole  me  my  permet  to  keep  a  pig  have  expire.  I 
want  to  tole  you  my  pig  have  beat  you  to  it.  He  expire  tree  week  ago." 

383  JUSTLY  INDIGNANT 

Daughter — What  makes  Pa  look  so  mad  ? 

Mother — He  got  a  cinder  in  his  eye  on  the  way  to  church  and  it  kept 
him  awake  through  the  sermon. 

384  OR  BECOME  A  POLICEMAN 

Bill  Sweeney  says  an  Irishman  saw  a  steam  shovel  for  the  first  time 
the  other  day. 

He  looked  at  it  in  operation  for  a  while  and  then  remarked: 
"Begorrah,  it  sure  can  dig  out  a  lot  of  dirt,  but  it  can't  vote." 

385  A  FLIVVER 

A  woman  was  crossing  the  street  when  a  big  dog  ran  into  her  with 
such  force  that  it  knocked  her  down.  Just  then  a  light  car  nearly  ran 
over  her.  A  man,  witnessing  the  accident,  came  to  her  assistance.  "Did 
that  dog  hurt  you  ?  "  he  asked. 

She  looked  at  him  a  little  dazed  and  replied:  "No,  the  dog  didn't  hurt 
me.  It  was  the  tin  can  tied  to  its  tail." 


—52— 

386  LESSON  IN  ZOOLOGY 

Rastus  had  taken  Mandy  to  the  circus  menagerie  and  was  having  a 
great  time  explaining  all  about  the  animals  to  his  girl. 

"Lawzee,  Rastus,  whut's  'at?"  asked  Mandy,  when  they  came  to  the 
zebra. 

"Don't  you  know,  gal  ?  You  sho'  has  neglected  yo'  animology.  Dat's 
nuthin'  but  a  spo't  model  jackass." 

387  EQUAL  TO  THE  OCCASION 

A  certain  colonel  was  inspecting  the  stables  belonging  to  a  cavalry 
barracks.  All  went  well  until  suddenly  his  eagle  eye  discovered  a  fes- 
toon of  spiders'  webs. 

"What's  the  meaning  of  this?"  he  demanded  angrily. 

"Shure,  sorr,"  explained  the  Irish  sergeant,  as  he  saluted,  "we  lave 
them  there  on  purpose,  to  privint  the  flois  tazing  th'  horses!" 

388  REMINDED 

"The  storm  burst  upon  us  so  suddenly  and  violently  that  we  had  no 
warning  of  its  approach,"  said  the  tornado  victim,  relating  his  experi- 
ence to  a  friend.  "In  an  instant  the  house  was  demolished  and  scattered 
to  the  four  winds.  How  I  escaped  being  torn  to  pieces  I  do  not  know! 
We—" 

"G-good  gracious!"  said  Mr.  Meeke,  jumping  to  his  feet.  "That  re- 
minds me!  I  almost  forgot  to  post  a  letter  for  my  wife!" 

389  TORTURE  TOO 

"I  hope  you  will  dance  with  me  tonight,  Mr.  Jones?" 
"Oh,  certainly!  I  hope  you    don't    think    I  came    here    merely    for 
pleasure!" 

390  FOOD  FOR  THOUGHT 

Si:  "Sarah,  is  there  anything  you  want  in  town  this  morning?" 
Sarah:  "Well,  Si,  you  might  buy  a  jar  of  that  traffic  jam    I've    been 
readin'  'about." 

391  POOR  HUSBANDS 

Indignant  Customer — That  meat  you  sold  yesterday  wasn't  fit  for  a 
human  being  to  eat.  If  it  hadn't  been  for  my  husband's  dinner,  I'd 
have  brought  it  back  and  made  you  change  it! 

392  PARTIALLY  REFORMED 

"Has  your  husband  given  up  golf?" 

"Yes,  but  he  still  uses  the  language  when  changing  tires." 

393  BRUTE 

She  (dreamily) — Oh,  George,  remember  it  was  on  just  such  a  night 
as  this  that  we  met. 

George  (married  to  her) — Yeh,  rotten  night,  ain't  it? 

394  TAKING  NO  CHANCE 

Englishman  (at  street  accident  in  a  Scotch  village) — Give  him  some 

air-  i    i*.' 

Suspicious  Native — Give  him  some  yersel',  mon. 

395  THE  CONNIPTION  VARIETY 

The  customer  at  the  second-hand  clothing  store  was  far  from  being 
satisfied,  but,  on  the  insistence  of  the  proprietor  that  everything  was 
all  right,  finally  consented  to  take  the  suit. 

"I'm  not  at  all  sure  yet  that  I've  a  fit,"  he  complained. 

"You  just  go  home  and  take  a  look  at  yourself  in  the  glass,"  rejoined 
the  proprietor,  pocketing  the  money,  "and  you'll  have  one  all  right." 


•     —53— 

396  A  BARGAIN 

"My  husband  fought  in  the  big  war,"  announced  Mrs.  Bloer  proudly. 
"His  company  was  in  one  engagement  :.nd  only  a  remnant  of  it  es- 
caped alive." 

"Gracious!"  exclaimed  Mrs.  Bargainhunt,  "And  you  got  the  remnant." 

397  HIS  PROBLEM 

A  revival  was  raging  in  a  Virginia  negro  church.  The  fruits  had 
been  considerable.  One  obdurate  soul,  however,  resisted  the  efforts  of 
the  elder.  Called  to  account  for  his  reluctance,  he  replied:  Yo'  Lee  how 
it  is  elder.  How's  I  gwine  get  mah  shirt  on  ovah  my  wings  "rhen  I 
gets  to  glory?"  "Dat  ain't  yo'  problem,"  retorted  the  exhorter  prompt- 
ly. "Yo'  problem  is  how  yo'  gwine  git  yo'  hat  ovah  yo'  horns." 

398  AND  HE  DID 

Hub— I  saved  $20  last  month  by  giving  up  rmokiug.  What  would  you 
like  me  to  give  up  next. 
Wife— The  $20,  dear. 

399  WRONG  END  UP 

Excavation  work  on  the  big  sewer  had  reached  a  low,  mucky  place 
and  the  Italian  laborers  were  having  their  troubles  with  the  soft  mud. 

Suddenly  there  arose  a  shout. 

"C'mear,  queek!  Bringa  da  shov!  Bringda  da  peek!  Pietro's  stuck  in 
the  mud  up  to  his  knees!" 

"Tell  him  to  wade  out,"  shouted  the  foreman. 

"He  canna  no  wade — he  wrong  end  up." 

400  SOT 

I  suggest,"  suggested  the  persuasive  county  agent,  "that  we  discuss 
these  differences  in  an  open  forum." 

"For  'em  hell!"  expostulated  Hiram  Spudblossom.  "I'm  dead  ag'in 
'em!" 

401  OBJECTIVELY  SPEAKING 

Minor:  "Were  you  fired  with  enthusiasm  when  you  tackled  your 
first  job  after  leaving  college?" 

Ology:  "Was  I,  I  never  saw  a  man  so  glad  to  get  rid  of  me  in  my 
life." 

402  MISTAKEN  IDENTITY? 

Mistress — Who  broke  that  china  jug  ? 
Mail — The  cat,  mum. 

Mistress What  cat  ? 

Maid — Why,  ain't  we  got  one  ? 

403  SOME  COUGH 

"I  hear  your  brother  has  the  hay  fever  pretty  badly,"  said  one  man 
to  another. 

"He  has.  He  even  sneezes  every  time  he  passes  a  grass  widow." 

404  THE  DANGER 

"What  would  happen  if  this  elevator  should  drop  to  the  bottom?" 
asked  a  timid  passenger  as  the  car  sped  by  the  forty-second  floor. 

"Gosh!"  exclaimed  the  operator,  turning  pale  at  the  very  idea.  "I'd 
lose  my  job!" 


405  HOPES  REALIZED 

"Have  any  of  your  childhood  hopes  been  realized?" 
"Yes.  When  mother  used  to  comb  my  hair  I  wished    I    didn't    have 
any." 

406  THOROUGHLY  CONVINCED 

Brown — Do  you  think  the  dead  can  communicate  with  us? 
Black — I  know  they  can't.  Once  I  borrowed  a  dollar  from    a  Scotch- 
man. A  week  later  he  died,  and  I  haven't  heard  a  word  since. 

407  JUST  SO 

"Sedentary  wo:*k,"  said  the  college  lecturer,  "tends  to  lessen  the  en- 
durance." 

"In  other  words,"  butted  in  the  smart  student,  "the  more  one  sits, 
the  less  one  can  s.tand. 

"Exactly,"  retcrted  the  lecturer;  "and  if  one  lies  a  great  deal,  one's 
standing  is  lost  completely." 

408  AN  EXACTING  CRITIC 

Farmer:  "That  there  hog  is  champion  o'  six  counties." 
City  visitor:  "Oh,  yes.  Er — what's  his  sport?" 

409  SUICIDE  BY  PROXY 

Patient — Doctor,  I  often  feel  like  killing  myself.  What  shall  I  do? 
Doctor — Leave  it  to  me. 

410  FRENZIED  FINANCE 

Here  is  an  incident  that  a  Chanute  man  tells  as  having  occured  in  a 
certain  Kansas  town:  He  was  in  the  ticket  office  and  watched  the  pro- 
ceedings: 

A  man  came  up  to  the  window  and  asked  for  a  ticket  to  Kansas  City, 
inquiring  the  price. 

"Two  twenty-five,"  said  the  agent. 

The  man  dug  down  into  a  well-worn  pocketbook  and  fished  out  a  bill. 
It  was  a  bank  nose  for  $2.  It  was  also  all  the  money  he  had. 

"How  soon  does  this  train  go?"  he  inquired. 

"In  fifteen  minutes,"  replied  the  agent. 

The  man  hurried  away.  Soon  he  was  back  with  three  silver  dollars, 
with  which  he  bought  a  ticket. 

"Pardon  my  curiosity,"  said  the  ticket  seller,  "but  how  did  you  get 
that  money?  It  isn't  a  loan,  for  I  see  you  have  disposed  of  the  $2  bill." 

"That's  all  right,"  said  the  man.  "No,  I  didn't  borrow.  I  went  to  a 
pawn  shop  and  soaked  the  bill  for  S1.50.  Then  as  I  started  back  here  1 
met  an  old  acquaintance  to  whom  I  sold  the  pawn  ticket  for  $1.50.  I 
then  had  $3  and  he  has  the  pawn  ticket  for  which  the  $2  stands  as 
security." 

411  A  PIKER 

Doctor's  Wife — I  see  in  the  paper  where  a  man  was  killed  for  $3. 
Doctor  (absently) — What  a  small  fee!  The  fellow  who  did  the  work 
must  have  a  fake  diploma." 

412  THAT'S  QUITE  DIFFERENT 

A  small  boy  stood  in  front  of  a  grocery  store  one  day,  looking  at  a 
display  of  apples  and  pears.  He  moved  toward  the  fruit,  then  back 
again  several  times. 

At  last  the  grocer  went  outside  and  said  to  the  youngster:  "Are  you 

ying  to  steal  something,  son?" 

"No  mister,  I  ain't  trying  to  steal  anything.  I'm  trying  not  to." 


—55— 

413  WITH  RESERVATIONS 

Harold,  aged  six,  had  some  trouble  with  a  neighbor's  children.  That 
night  when  he  had  gone  to  bed  his  mother  asked  if  he  had  said  his 
prayers.  "And  did  you  pra?-  for  the  heathens,  too?"  she  asked. 

"Yes,"  he  answered,  hesi  ;atingly,  "all  but  the  three  next  door." 

414  PERPET JATION  OF  THE  RACE 

Mr.  Rook  was  reading  statistics  in  the  newspaper.* 
"In  New  York  a  child  is  born  every  two  minutes,"  he  announced. 
"Good  Heavens!"  exclaimed  his  wife  in  horror.  "And  we're  planning 
to  stay  there  two  weeks!" 

415  FOR  THE  FEDERAL  TRADE  COMMISSION 

An  angry  customer  stroda  into  a  grocery  store. 

"See  here!"  he  exclaimed.  "You  advertise  your  apples  as  being  uni- 
form in  quality  ?  " 

"I  do,"  replied  the  grocer. 

"Well,  they're  not!  You  let  the  worm  escape  from  this  one." 

416  OUTDOING  EINSTEIN 

An  Irishman  was  handlir  g  dynamite  in  a  quarry.  He  let  a  stick  drop 
and  the  whole  box  went  up.  taking  Mike  with  it.  The  quarry  boss  came 
around  later  and  said  to  ar other  Irishman: 

"Where  is  Mike?" 

"He's  gone,"  replied  Pat. 

"When  will  he  be  back?'   asked  the  boss. 

"Well,"  replied  Pat,  "if  r  e  comes  back  as  fast  as  he  went,  hell  be 
back  yesterday." 

417  LINGERED  TOO  LONG 

Stage  Manager — Yes,  we  did  have  a  vacancy  in  the  chorus,  but 
you're  too  late. 

Girl  Applicant— Too  late  ? 

Stage  Manager — Yeh,  by  about  10  years. 

418  TH]3RE  WASN'T  ANY 

Motorist:  "Why  won't  yoa  tell  me  the  best  road  to  Mudville?" 
Native:  "  'Cause  I  don't  'ike  ter  have  people  call  me  a  liar." 

419  DOESN'T  IT,  THOUGH? 

Uptown:  "They  say  that  paper's  a  fine  thing  to  keep  you  warm  dur- 
ing the  winter." 

Downtown:  "Especially  if  it's  in  the  form  of  a  note.  One  of  them 
kept  me  in  a  sweat  for  thirty  days." 

420  THE  LOWLY  ANIMAL 

Daughter  (having  just  received  a  new  mink  coat  from  father) — 
"What  I  don't  see  is  how  such  a  wonderful  fur  can  come  from  such  a 
low,  sneaking  beast." 

Father — "I  don't  ask  for  thanks,  dear,  but  I  really  insist  on  respect." 

421  AN  HONEST  MAN 

Mrs.  Blank — Stupid!  Why  in  the  world  did  you  get  seats  for  "Mad- 
ame Butterfy"  when  I  distinctly  told  you  I  wanted  tj  hear  Pagliacci? 

Mr.  Blank — To  preserve  my  dignity,  woman!  When  I  reached  the 
ticket  offce  I  forgot  how  to  pronounce  the  blamed  thing. 


—56— 

422  NEW  YEAR'S  WISH 

Jones — "Oh,  he's  not  such  a  bad  chap.  At  any  rate,  he  throws  him- 
self into  any  job  he  undertakes." 

Brown — "I  wish  he'd  go  and  dig  a  well!" 

423  THEY  DON'T  COME  BACK 

Officer  Boy — There's  a  client  to  see  you,  sir. 
Crabbed  Lawyer — New  one,  or  old  one  ? 
Boy — New  one,  of  course. 

424  HERE'S  ANOTHER 

MacDonald  (arranging  with  clergyman  for  his  second  marriage) — 
"And  I  should  like  the  ceremony  in  my  yard  this  time,  sir." 

Clergyman — "Good  gracious,  why?" 

MacDonald — "Then  the  chickens  can  pick  up  the  rice — we  wasted  a 
lot  last  time!" 

425  AND  IT  WAS  DID 

The  Sunday  evening  Bible  class  had  been  enlarged  to  full  strength 
and  two  of  the  latest  recruits  were  discussing  Bible  topics. 

"I  think  this  yarn  about  feedin'  five  thousand  people  on  five  loaves 
o'  bread  an'  two  fish  is  all  bunk,"  declared  Bill. 

"It  can  be  did,  buddy,  it  can  be  did,"  answered  Henry. 

"Aw,  whot's  the  matter  with  you  ?  You  goin'  bugs  on  this  Bible 
stuff?" 

"Naw,"  replied  Henry,  "but  I  useta  be  a  mess  sergeant  in  Brest." 

426  BEAT  HER  TO  IT 

Her  dearest  friend  had  come  to  tea,  and  she  was  telling  her  all  about 
the  attempted  burglary.  "Yes,"  she  said,  "I  heard  a  noise  and  got  up, 
and  there,  under  the  bed,  I  saw  a  man's  leg." 

"Good  heavens!"  gasped  her  friend.  "The  burglar's?" 
"No,"  replied  the  other;    "my  husband's.    He  had  heard    the    noise, 
too." 

427  AND  HE  DID 

Joseph  had  been  sent  to  bed  by  his  mother  for  using  profara  lang- 
uage. When  his  father  came  home  she  sent  h.  ^  upstairs  to  punish  the 
boy. 

"I'll  teach  that  young  fellow  to  swear!"  he  roared  and  started  up  the 
stairs.  He  tripped  on  the  top  step  and  even  his  wife  held  her  ears  for 
a  few  moments. 

"You'd  better  come  down  now,"  she  called  up  after  the  air  had 
cleared  somewhat,  "he's  had  enough  for  this  lesson." 

428  FATHER  KNEW 

Tommy — Is  that  a  lion  or  lioness,  papa? 

Father — Which  one,  dear? 

Tommy — The  one  with  its  face  scratched,  and  the  hair  off  its  head. 

Father  (with  a  sigh) — That  mtst  be  the  lion. 

429  PAGE  WEBSTER! 

Kid  Fresh:  "What  is  tact?" 

Prof:  "My  boy,  if  you  tell  a  girl  that  time  stands  still  when  you  look 
into  her  eyes,  that's  tact.  But  if  you  tell  her  that  her  face  would  stop  a 
clock,  look  oi  t." 


—57— 

430  WRONG  DEPARTMENT 

While  the  diagnosis  of  the  patient,  who  had  eaten  rather  generously, 
was  proceeding,  the  sick  man  said,  "Doctor,  do  you  "link  the  trouble  is 
in  the  appendix?" 

"Oh,  no,"  said  the  doctor,  "not  at  all.  The  trouble  is  with  your  table 
of  contents." 

431  KIND  WORDS 

A  young  chap  who  had  been  celebrating  the  night  before,  went  into 
a  restaurant  the  next  morning  feeling  terrible.  "Yessuh,  Captain,"  said 
the  waiter  bustling  to  his  table.  "What  you'll  have  this  mohnin'?" 
Bleary  eyed  and  nervous,  he  looked  s^dly  at  the  w^it  r  a~d  said,  "All 
I  want  is  two  fried  eggs  and  a  few  kind  words."  In  h~If  un  hour  the 
waiter  returned.  "Heah,  Captain,"  and  he  deposed  tv  ,  anaemic  look- 
ing eggs  on  the  table.  "That  is  you'  iwo  fride  ai^s,"  he  said,  "an'  now 
I  will  give  y'  the  few  kind  words:  Don't  eat  'em." 

432  ALL  KINDS  OF  WORK 

"Don't  you  find  it  hard  to  enforce  the  law  in  a  wild  town  like  this?" 
asked  a  visitor  to  Red  Gulch. 

"Hell,  mister!"  ejaculated  the  local  constablj.  We  got  three  or  four 
laws  to  enforce  out  here." 

433  NO  DIETING  FOR  HIM 

Doctor — "Is  your  husband  following  out  the  diet,  prescribed  for  him 
during  this  month?" 

Mrs.  Flaherty — "He  is  not,  sorr,  Afther  two  days  av  it  Mike  sez  to 
me,  sez  he:  'Oi'll  not  be  starvin'  mesel'  t'  death  jis  fer  the  sake  o'  livkf 
a  bit  longer." 

434  OLD  STUFF 

A  man  had  produced  his  cigar  case  and  taken  out  a  cigar;  and  then 
as  if  suddenly  remembering,  had  offered  his  friend  the  remaining  ci- 
gar. After  a  while  the  donor  of  the  cigar  asked  his  friend  how  he  was 
enjoying  the  smoke. 

"Not  so  bad,"  replied  the  other,  dubiously. 

"I  think  they  are  very  good  for  the  price — cwo  for  a  quarter." 

"Yes,"  replied  the  friend,  "but  you  have  the  20-cent  one." 

435  A  LOAD  OFF  THEIR  MINDS 

It  was  on  their  honeymoon.  "Have  all  your  bachelor  friends  congrat- 
ulated you?"  asked  the  bride,  as  she  cuddled  closer. 
"Some,"  assented  Newlywed.  "And  some  of  them  thanked  me." 

436  AN  OUTSIDE  JOB 

It  was  a  sunshiny  Sunday  morning  and  Pat  had  brought  his  shaving 
tools  out  on  the  porch. 

Mrs.  McGinnis  looked  over  the  fence.  "Shure,  Mrs.  Murphy,  does 
your  old  man  shave  on  the  outside?" 

"And  what's  bothering  you?"  asked  Mrs.  Murphy.  "Did  you  think 
he  was  fur  lined?" 

437  CONTRARY 

"An'  yo'  say  dat  little  twin  baby  am  a  gal?"  inquired  Parson  Jones 
of  one  of  his  colored  flock 
"Yassuh." 

"An'  de  other  one.  Am  dat  of  de  contrary  sex?" 
"Yassuh.  She  am  a  gal,  too." 


—58— 

438  FATHER  KNEW 

"Are  kings  and  queens  always  good,  father?"  asked  the  romantic 
daughter,  looking  up  from  her  history  book. 

"They  are  not!"  snorted  her  practical  parent.  "Nine  times  out  of  ten 
you'll  find  three  trays  out  against  them." 

439  HIGH  PRESSURE  STUFF 

Ardent  Wooer  (a  commercial  traveler) — My  love  for  you,  Winnie 
darling,  surpasses  anything  else  that  can  be  offered  in  that  particular 
line. 

440  SHE'D  TELL  HIM! 

It  was  the  dear  old  lady's  first  ride  in  a  taxi,  and  she  watched  with 
growing  alarm  as  the  driver  continually  put  his  hand  outside  the  car  as 
a  signal  to  the  traffic  following.  At  last  she  became  exasperated. 

"Young  man,"  she  said,  "you  look  after  that  car  of  yours  and  watch 
where  you're  driving.  I'll  tell  you  when  it  starts  raining." 

441  SO  THERE! 

The  bull  had  chased  the  Naylors  away  from  their  picnic.  When  they 
were  safely  over  the  fence,  Mrs.  Naylor,  removing  her  h?t  from  her 
left  ear,  exclaimed  angrily: 

"John,  just  for  that  I  am  going  to  have  roast  beef  for  dinner  every 
day  for  a  month." 

442  INCURABLE 

"Dey  ai  -'  no  jestice  no  mo,"  mourned  Rufus  to  a  friend.  "Sam, 
ah's  a  sick  man.  Guess  ah's  gwine  die,  suah.  Ah  goes  to  de  doctah,  an' 
he  says  mah  veins  am  too  close.  Says  ah  got  very-close  veins  An'  de 
oney  help  fo'  me,  he  says,  ar  to  eat  chicken  brof  free  times  a  day,  an' 
stay  in  nights.  An'  Sam,  dat  jes'  kain't  be  done!" 

443  SOMETHING  WRONG  SOMEWHERE 

"Mother,  did  you  hear  me  say  my  prayers  last  night?" 

"Yes,  my  dear." 

"Did  you  hear  me  ask  God  to  make  me  a  good  girl?" 

"Yes,  my  dear." 

"Well,  he  ain't  done  it." 

444  ON  BARGAIN  DAY 

A  young  matron  in  whom  the  shopping  instinct  was  strong,  asked  a 
German  butcher  the  price  of  hamburger  steak. 

"Twenty-five  cents  a  pound,"  he  replied. 

"But,"  she  said,  "the  price  at  the  corner  store  is  only  12  cents." 

"Veil,"  asked  Otto,  "vy  you  don't  puy  it  down  there?" 

"They  haven't  any,"  she  explained. 

"Oh,  I  see,"  replied  the  butcher.  "Ven  I  don't  have  it  I  sell  it  for  10 
cents." 

445  MODERN  YOUTH  AGAIN 

"Ma,"  whimpered  little  Tommy,  "do  I  have  to  wash  my  face    again 
before  dinner?" 
"Certainly,  dear." 
"Aw,  gee,  why  can't  I  just  powder  it  over  again  like  you  do  yours?" 

446  COURTEOUS  TO  THE  END 

"Is  there  anything  you  woud  like  to  do  before  I  press  the  button?" 
asked  the  warden  at  Sing  Sing  to  the  murderer  in  the  electric  chair. 

"Yes,"  said  the  latter,  "I  would  like  to  get  up  and  give  a  lady  my 
seat." 


—59— 

447  SNAPPY  COMEBACK 

Two  Jews  in  business  had  failed  to  get  rid  of  a  consignment  of  bag 
gy,  outsize  trousers.  Said  Ikey:  "Let's  send  them  to  Aberdeen." 

"What's  the  good  of  that?"  asked  his  partner.  "If  we  can't  sell  them, 
Aberdeen  can't." 

"That'll  be  all  right!"  said  Ikey.  "Send  them  13  pairs  and  invoice 
them  as  a  dozen." 

They  did  so.  A  few  days  later  a  reply  came  from  Aberdeen.  Twelve 
pairs  of  trousers  were  returned,  with  a  note,  saying,  "Sorry,  can't  sell 
them  here." 

448  AS  FATHER  DOES 

Little  Willie  was  going  to  a  party. 

"Now,  Willie,"  his  mother  cautioned,  "if  you  are  offered  a  second 
piece  of  cake  you  must  refuse,  as  it  would  not  be  polite  to  take  two." 

When  the  child  returned  she  asked  if  he  obeyed  her  instructions. 

"Oh,  yes,"  he  replied  proudly.  "When  they  offered  it  to  me  I  said, 
'Take  that  damn  stuff  away '  just  the  same  as  father  does." 

449  IT  DEPENDS 

"I  want  a  maid  who  is  fond  of  children.  Are  you?" 
"It  depends  on  the  wages,  mum!" 

450  INEXPERIENCED 

Down  in  Texas  the  short  cotton  crop  forced  a  large  number  of 
country  negroes  to  the  cities.  One  of  them  applied  for  a  job  at  one  of 
the  large  employment  agencies. 

"There's  a  job  at  the  Eagle  Laundry"  said  the  man  behind  the  desk: 
"Want  it?" 

The  applicant  shifted  uneasily  from  one  foot  to  the  other. 

"Tell  you  how  it  is,  boss,  he  said  finally,  "I  sure  does  want  a  job 
mighty  bad,  but  the  fact  is,  I  ain't  never  washed  no  eagles." 

451  MY  DEAR  ALPHONSE! 

We  think  the  prize  for  courteous  repartee  was  won  by  Thackeray, 
as  related  by  Brander  Matthews  in  an  article  in  The  Century.  "When 
he  was  standing  for  Parliment,  he  happened  co  meet  his  opponent  one 
day,  who,  after  chatting  amicably,  left  the  great  novelist  with  the  re- 
mark, 'May  the  best  man  win!'  To  which  Thackeray  returned  instantly, 
'Oh,  I  hope  not.'  " 

452  NO.  48,623 

"Is  this  the  fire  department?"  yelled  the  excited  absent-minded  pro- 
fessor over  the  phone. 

"Yes,  what  do  you  want?" 

"How  far  is  it  to  the  nearest  alarm  box  ?  My  laboratory  is  on  fire 
and  I  must  turn  in  the  call  at  once." 

453  HOW  WELL  HE  KNEW  IT 

"Now,  William,"  said  his  school-teacher,  who  was  testing  her  class 
on  the  proverbs,  "you  ought  to  be  able  to  finish  this  one — it's  a  very 
easy  one:  'Cleanliness  is  next  to' — what?" 

"Impossible!"  exclamed  little  Willie,  who  lived  down  near  the  rail- 
road yards. 

454  NO  PLACE  TO  HIDE 

Mrs.  Snap:  "Do  I  look  all  right  in  my  new  dress,  dear?" 
Mr.  Snap:  "Better  get  in  a  little  farther,  if  there's  room." 


—60—  '  *° 

455  TOO  TOUGH  FOR  SISTER 

"Do  babies  really  come  from  heaven,  mother?" 
"Why,  yes,  dear.  Don't  you  believe  it?" 

"So  far  as  I'm  concerned — but  it's  pretty  hard  to  swallow  about  lit- 
tle Harold." 

456  NO  MUSICIAN 

Doctor — Have  you  any  organic  trouble  ? 
Patient — No  Doc,  I  can't  even  carry  a  tune. 

457  MUST  HAND  IT  TO  HIM 

"And  here,"  said  the  guide  to  what  was  once  bad  man's  country,  "is 
where  Hiram  Spillster  captured  five  men  single-handed." 

"Well,  land's  sakes  alive!"  ejaculated  an  old  lady.  "That  was  a  right 
powerful  stunt  for  a  one-armed  man!" 

458  OUT  OF  HIS  MISERY 

Mrs.  Peck  looked  up  from  her  newspaper. 

"If  I  should  kill  you,  Henry,"  she  asked,  "would  it  be  murder  or 
manslaughter?" 

"Neither,  my  dear,"  replied  her  husband,  summoning  his  courage 
for  once.  "It  would  be  doing  me  a  kindness." 

459  NEVER  NEEDS  AN  UMBRELLA 

A  furrier  was  selling  a  coat  to  a  lady  customer. 

"Yes,  ma'am,"  he  said,  "I  will  guarantee  this  to  be  genuine  skunk 
fur  that  will  wear  for  years." 

"But  suppose  I  get  it  wet  in  the  rain,"  asked  the  lady,  "what  effect 
will  the  water  have  on  it?  Won't  it  spoil?" 

"Madam,"  answered  the  furrier,  "I  have  only  one  answer.  Did  you 
ever  hear  of  a  skunk  carrying  an  umbrella  ? " 

460  EVER  VIGILANT 

Mistress — I  should  like  to  know  what  business  that  policeman  has  in 
my  kitchen  every  night  of  the  week  ? 

Pretty  Servant — Well,  ma'am  I  think  he  suspects  me  of  neglecting 
my  work. 

461  A  FRIEND  IN  NEED 

"Callahan,"  demanded  the  judge,  "why  did  you  dump  your  hod  of 
bricks  on  your  friend  Mclntyre?" 

"It  was  this  way,  judge,"  explained  the  offender.  "I  wanst  tole  Mc- 
lntyre that  if  he  was  hard  up  for  money  to  come  to  the  building  where 
I  was  workin'  and  I'd  do  him  a  favor.  An'  whin  I  saw  him  comm*  down 
the  street,  dead  broke,  I  dropped  the  bricks  down  on  his  head,  knowin* 
he  had  an  accident  policy." 

462  GRAY  OUTLOOK 

Father — "Every  time  you  are  bad  I  get  another  gray  hair." 
Son — "Well,  you  must  have  been  a  corker.  Look  at  grandpa." 

463  INDIRECT  WARNING 

Wifey — The  cook  left  this  afternoon  without  warning. 
Hubby — Not  exactly  without  warning,  my  dear.  She  told  me    I    had 
better  bring  home  some  dyspepsia  tablets. 


—61— 

464  ANOTHER  MRS.  MALAPROP 

A  kindly  but  somewhat  patronizing  landlady  inquired  of  the  profes- 
sor's young  bride  how  she  and  her  husband  planned  to  spend  the 
summer  vacation. 

"Our  plans  thus  far,"  replied  the  bride  a  little  distantly,  "are  only 
tentative." 

"How  nice!"  the  landlady  exclaimed.  "I'm  sure  you  will  enjoy  camp- 
ing out  more  than  anything  else  you  could  do." 

465  GREAT  EXPECTATIONS 

A  Park  Avenue  apartment  house  which  goes  in  for  flunkeys,  recent- 
ly blossomed  out  with  a  new  doorman.  When  a  gentleman  called  and 
asked  to  see  Mrs.  Brown,  the  new  attendant,  true  to  his  calling,  de- 
tained him  with  the  customary,  "But  is  Mrs.  Brown  expecting  you?" 

The  caller  withered  him  with  a  glance. 

"My  good  man,"  he  said,  "Mrs.  Brown  was  expecting  me  before  I 
was  born.  She  is  my  mother." 

466  LEFT  THEM  SOMEWHERE 

Wife — I  hear  that  Mrs.  De  Koltay  is  going  to  Paris  for  her  gowns. 
Hub — Judging  from  her  appearance  the  last  last  time  I  saw  her,  she 
must  have  left  her  clothes  somewhere. 

467  TACTICAL  ERROR 

Two  Negroes  from  a  little  town  in  Alabama  had  served  in  France  in 
the  same  stevedore  outfit,  but  had  become  separated  when  the  time 
came  for  embarkation  and  did  not  meet  again  until  this  year.  Rushing 
up  to  his  old  friend,  Abe  Johnson  cried: 

"Boy,  Ah's  glad  to  see  you!  Whah  yo'  been  all  dis  time?" 
"Humpf !"  said  Link  Washington  sadly.  "Ah  went  in  de  EXIT  of    de 
de-cootiein'  station  an'  instead  of  gettin'  de-cootied  Ah  got  cootied  an* 
couldn't  git  away." 

468  IT  ALL  DEPENDS 

"Hey,  Bill!" 
"What  is  it?" 

"Your  doctor's  out  h?re  with  a  Hat  tire." 

"Diagnose  the  case  as  flatulency  of  the  perimeter,  and  charge  him  ac- 
cordingly," ordered  the  garage  man.  "That's  Ihe  way  he  does  biz." 

469  A  MYSTERY 

Teacher — What  do  we  use  soap  for? 
Jimmie — That's  what  I'd  like  to  know. 

470  RESIGNED  TO  HIS  FATE 

The  doctor  was  worried  over  th^  condition  of  his  patient.  "I  think  I 
shall  have  to  call  in  some  other  physicians  for  consultation,"  he  said. 

"That's  right;  go  ahead,"  consented  the  victim  feebly.  "Get  as  many 
accomplices  as  you  like." 

471  A  FISH  STORY 

A  keen  angler  took  a  friend  fishing,  and  lent  him  all  the  necessary 
tackle. 

After  half  an  hour  the  novice  asked:  "How  much  do  those  little  red 
things  cost?" 

"I  suppose  you  mean  the  float,"  replied  the  disciple  of  Izaak  Walton. 
"They  cost  about  two  shillings." 

"Well,  I  owe  you  two  shillings  then,"  replied  the  amateur;  "the  one 
you  lent  me  has  just  sunk," 


—62— 

472  PAGE  THE  MISSIONARY 

There  was  a  man  who  did  not  approve  of  foreign  missions.  One  Sun- 
day at  church  a  collector  approached  him  and  held  out  the  box. 

"I  never  give  to  missions,"  whispered  the  man. 

"Then  take  something  out  of  the  bag,  sir,"  whispered  the  collector, 
"the  money  is  for  the  heathen." 

473  FATHER'S  SYSTEM 

Teacher:  Thomas,  if  your  father  owed  the  landlord  twenty  dollars, 
the  butcher  twelve  dollars,  anl  the  grocer  sixteen  dollars,  what  would 
he  pay? 

Tommy:  Nothin',  ma'am;  we'd  move. 

474  DISAPPOINTMENT 

"I'm  through  with  that  fellow  Biffins  for  good." 
"You  don't  tell  me.  Why?" 

"Last  evening  while  we  were  passing  his  house  he  asked    me    if  I'd 
like  to  come  down  in  his  cellar  and  have  a  look  at  his  new  furnace." 
"And  then?" 
"It  was  a  new  furnace." 

475  STILL  AT  SEA 

"I  beg  your  pardon,"  said  the  hotel  clerk,  "but  what  is  your  name?" 
"Name?"  echoed  the  indignant  guest  who  had  just  signed  the  regis- 
ter. "Don't  you  see  my  signature  there  on  the  register?" 
"I  do,"  answered  the  clerk,  "That  aroused  my  curiosity." 

476  LAST  WORD 

"Pa!" 

"Well,  my  son?" 

"What  is  the  last  word  in  hospitality?" 

"It  isn't  a  word,  son.  I's  a  hiccough." 

477  REVEALED 

"A"i  ,my  dear  young  lady!"  exclaimed  the  attendant  at  the  awesome 
entrance  of  the  silken-hung  room.  "You  wish  to  consult  Madame  Ma- 
harajah, the  great  mystic  of  the  Orient?" 

"Yep."  replied  the  caller.  "Tell  her  that  her  kid  sister's  here  and  ma 
wants  she  should  get  a  couple  pounds  Hamburg  steak  on  the  way 
home." 

478  TRUE  TO  LIFE 

Visitor — Your  picture  of  the  Fiery  Dragon  is  a  masterpiece. 
Schram  the  Artist — Fiery  Dragon?  Where  did  you  see  that? 
Visitor — In  the  middle  of  the  wall  in  the  next  room. 
Schram — Oh,  that  is  a  protrait  of  my  mother-in-law. 

479  GROWING  UP 

"In  certain  parts  of  Florida,"  says  a  New  Yorker,  "they  marry 
young.  A  youthful  giant  was  thus  accosted  by  a  friend:  "'Spect  you're 
mighty  glad  you're  goin'  to  be  twenty-one  soon,  Henry,  so  you  kin 
vote." 

"Well,"  said  Henry,  "I  don't  care  so  much  about  votin';  but  I'm 
mighty  glad  about  it,  'cause  I  kin  teach  my  oldest  boy  to  call  me  dad. 
So  fur  he  hain't  called  me  anythin'  but  Henry." 

480  CONTINUOUS  PERFORMANCE 

"Chickens,  sah,"  said  the  negro  sage,  "is  de  usefulest  animal  dere  is. 
You  c'n  eat  'em  fo'  dey  is  bo'n  an'  after  dey's  dead." 


—63— 

481  TOO  EMBARRASSED 

"Every  room  with  a  bath,"  says  the  prospectus  of  a  new  and  huge 
hotel  just  started  here. 

Which  reminds  us  of  the  story  of  a  countryman,  unfamiliar  with 
such  luxuries,  who  passed  the  night  at  a  modern  hotel. 

"Well,  did  you  have  a  good  night's  rest?"  the  clerk  asked  him  next 
morning. 

"No,  I  didn't,"  was  the  reply.  "The  room  was  all  right  and  the  bed 
was  pretty  good,  but  I  couldn't  sleep  very  much,  for  I  was  afraid  some 
one  would  want  to  take  a  bath,  and  the  only  door  to  it  was  through 
my  room." 

482  THAT  HOMING  INSTINCT 

A  colored  man  was  leaning  against  the  fence  in  front  of  his  home, 
his  face  a  picture  of  misery.  A  white  friend  of  his  happened  by. 

"What's  the  matter,  Sam?"  he  asked.  "Never  saw  you  look  so 
gloomy." 

"Ah's  had  de  toughest  luck,"  mourned  Sam.  "Somebody  opened  de 
do'  to  mah  hen-house  an'  all  de  chickens  done  flew  de  coop." 

"Oh,  don't  let  that  worry  you.  You  know  the  old  saying  that  chick- 
ens will  come  home  to  roost." 

"Yassuh,  dat's  de  trouble.  Dem  chickens  ain't  comin'  home — dey's 
went!" 

483  A  REGULAR 

Judge:  "Now,  I  don't  expect  to  see  you  here  again,  Rufus." 
Ruf us:  "Not  see  me  here  again,  Judge?  Why,  you'all    ain't    a-goin' 
to  resign  yo'  job,  is  you  judge?" 

484  HENRY'S  HANDICAP 

"Poor  old  Henry!"  said  one  workman  to  another.  "He's  so  short- 
sighted he's  working  himself  to  death!" 

"What  has  his  short  sight  got  to  do  with  it?" 

"Why,  he  can't  see  when  the  boss  ain't  looking,  so  he  has  to  keep  on 
shoveling  all  the  time." 

485  THE  AFTER  EFFECTS 

The  doctor  told  James  not  to  stay  out  late  at  night. 
"You  think  the  night  air  is  bad  for  me?"  ask  d  Jones. 
"No,"  was  the  reply,  "it  isn't  that.  It's  the  excitement  after  getting 
home  that  hurts  you." 

486  WAY  FATHER  TOOK  IT 
"How  did  my  father  take  it?"  she  asked. 

"He  took  it  very  well,"  he  replied  in  a  somewhat  listless  tone. 

"Oh,  I'm  so  glad,  George!"  she  cried  delightedly,  while  her  face  lit 
up. 

"Are  you?"  answered  George  gloominly.  "Well,  I  can't  say  that  I 
am,  dear.  At  first  your  father  wouldn't  listen  to  me." 

"But,  darling,"  said  the  girl,  "didn't  you  tell  him  you  had  $2,500  in 
the  bank,  as  I  told  you  to?" 

"Yes,  I  did  after  all  else  failed. 

"And  what  did  he  do  then?" 

"Do,"  echoed  the  young  man — "do?  Why,  he  borrowed  it!" 

487  CORRECT  CONCLUSION 

"All  fish  swim;  therefore,  I  am  a  fish,"  declaimed  the  smart  fresh- 
man in  Logic.  "That's  correct,  -sn't  it?" 

"That's  correct,"  agreed  the  weary  professor,  "but  that  isn't  the  way 
you  prove  it." 


488  HE  KNEW  WHAT  HE  WANTED 

The  young  son  was  sick  and  the  doctor  was  called.  He  told  the  boy 

he  must  go  the  hospital. 

Boy:  "Oh,  doctor.  I  don't  want  to  go  to  the  hospital." 

Doctor:  "Why,  a  hospital's  a  fine  place — clean  and  convenient." 

Boy:  "But,  doctor,  I  don't  want  to  go  there.  I  don't  want    a  baby,    I 

want  a  pup." 

489  ILLOGICAL 

St.  Peter  was  interviewing  the  fair  applicant  at  the  Pearly  Gates. 

"Did  you,  while  on  earth,"  he  asked,  "indulge  in  necking,  petting, 
smoking,  drinking  or  dancing  the  Charleston  or  Black  Bottom?" 

"Never!"  she  retorted  emphatically. 

"Then  why  haven't  you  reported  here  sooner  ?  You've  been  a  dead 
one  for  some  time." 

490  AN  INTRUDER 

Nurse  (announcing  happy  event) — It's  a  boy,  professor. 
Professor  (absorbed  in  study) — Ask  him  what  he  wants. 

491  HEREDITY 

Johnny's  teacher  wrote  the  following  criticism  on  the  edge  of  the 
boy's  report  card: 

"A  good  worker,  but  talks  too  much." 

When  the  card  was  returned  to  her  it  bore,  in  addition  to  the  fath- 
er's signature,  this  comment: 

"You  should  hear  his  mother." 

492  NOT  MUCH  BETWEEN 

A  city  lad  stopped  along  the  side  of  a  country  road  and  got  out  of 
his  car  to  josh  a  barefoot  rural  boy.  Leaning  over  a  fence  which  hap- 
pened to  be  handy,  he  said: 

"Your  corn  is  a  little  yellow,  isn't  it,  son?" 

"Yes,  sir,  that's  the  kind  we  planted." 

"Not  going  to  have  more  than  half  a  crop,  are  you?" 

"No,  sir,  the  landlord  gets  the  other  half." 

"Then  there's  not  much  between  you  and  a  dam-fool,  is  there?" 

"No,  sir,  nothing  but,  that  fence." 

493  THE  LAST  SUBDIVISION 

"Could  I  talk  over  a  little  real  estate  proposition    with    you,    sir?" 

asked  the  suave  salesman. 

"Indeed,  yes,"  replied  the  man  who  had  just  been  swindled  in  a  land 
deal.  "I'll  be  glad  to  discuss  a  small  plot  about  three  by  seven    that 

you'll  be  needing  in  just  another  minute." 

494  THE  SPIRIT  OF  THE  THING 

Harry — What  did  Schram  say  when  you  gave  him  the  brandied 
cherries  we  sent  to  cheer  his  convalescence?" 

George — He  said  he  was  afraid  he  was  not  strong  enough  to  eat  the 
fruit,  but  he  appreciated  the  spirit  in  which  it  was  sent. 

495  WAY  BEHIND 

Mose  and  Sam  were  digging  a  trench  over  in  France.  Although  not 
in  an  especially  safe  spot,  for  a  time  they  were  unconscious  of  their 
danger.  Then  a  shell  flew  over  their  heads  and  exploded  just  beyond. 
Others  followed.  At  the  fifth  explosion  Mose  asked  inquiringly:  "Sam, 
don'  yo-all  thinks  it's  about  time  we-all  done  got  religion?" 

"Chuff!"  retorted  Sam  scornfully;  "Mose,  yoh  sutenly  is  a  tho'ly 
shiftless,  boy.  Me,  I  done  got  religion  when  de  fust  bomb  bust." 


—65— 

496  GRATITUDE 

"Say,  how  about  returnin'  that  corn  sheller  of  mine  you  borrowed 
six  months  ago?" 

"Sure,  feller!  Just  loan  me  your  horse  and  wagon  and  I'll  fetch  it 
right  over." 

197  HIS  GIFT 

Last  summer,  when  a  party  of  farm  specialists  were  touring  the 
malaria  belt,  they  stopped  for  lunch  at  the  cabin  of  Jeff  Plaisted. 

The  day  was  hot,  and  while  the  excited  females  of  the  family  ran 
down  the  young  roosters  and  fried  them  Jeff  and  his  distinguished 
guests  sat  and  smoked  in  the  shade  of  the  cabin. 

"Jeff,"  said  Mrs.  Plaisted  after  the  visitors  had  gone,  "I  hope  you-all 
was  able  to  keep  up  your  end  of  the  talk  while  you  was  settin'  out 
back  with  them  professors." 

Jeff  hesitated  a  moment. 

"Well,  Letty,"  he  said,  "maybe  I  was  just  a  lee-tle  shy  on  talk.  I'm  a 
better  listener  than  a  talker."  Then  he  drew  himself  up  proudly. 

"But  there's  one  thing,"  he  said;  "I  can  spit  four  inches  furder'n 
their  very  best  man!" 

498  HE'D  BE  THERE 

Bilkins  had  been  top  kicker  overseas  and  had  naturally  acquired  a 
complete  line  of  profanity,  an  unfortunate  habit  which  clung  to  him 
when  he  returned  to  civilian  life.  He  and  Mrs.  Bilkins  consulted  to- 
gether for  a  remedy  and  finally  hit  upon  what  seemed  a  likely  ex- 
pedient. 

"Bobbie,"  said  Mrs.  B.  to  their  young  offspring,  "Daddy  and  I  have 
arranged  that  he  shall  give  you  a  dime  every  time  he  is  caught  swear- 
ing." 

"Gee,  that's  great,"  cried  the  youngster.  Then  he  added  hopefully: 
"When  are  you  going  to  fix  the  car,  daddy?" 

499  HE  SENSED  IT 

"Young  man,"  said  the  boss  pompously  and  pointedly,  "what  we  need 
in  this  business  is  brains — b-r-a-i-n-s — brains!" 

"Well,"  agreed  the  youthful  applicant  for  a  job,  "that  does  seem  to 
be  about  what's  lacking." 

500  UNREASONABLE 

"I  hear  that  Hot  Wind  Hawk  shot  up  the  Palace  Bar  last  night," 
remarked  a  tenderfoot  in  Holster,  Arizona. 

"Ugh-huh,"  replied  Black  Powder  Andy.  "Reckon  he  did." 

"What  were  his  reasons?" 

"Reasons?"  bellowed  the  awakened  Andy.  "Is  this  yeah  town  gettin' 
so  blame  civilized  that  a  feller's  gotta  hav  reasons  for  every  little  thing 
he  does?" 

501  THE  DEFUNCT 

"What's  all  the  excitement  about?"  asked  a  stranger  in  a  town  that 
shall  be  nameless  here. 

"Funeral,  mister,"  replied  a  native  laconically. 

"Who's  dead?" 

"Dunno,  mister.  Th'  lynchin'  party  ain't  back  yet." 

502  BARE  FACTS 

"These  here  clothes  they  wear  nowadays  is  a  good  bit  like  a  barb- 
wire  fence,"  said  the  old-fashioned  farmer  after  his  first  look  at  the 
gowns  on  a  New  York  dance  floor.  "They  protect  the  property  with- 
out obstructing  the  view." 


—66— 

503  A  SUBORDINATE  OFFICER 

"Is  it  true  that  poor  old  Bill  has  married  again?" 
"Yes;  he's  under  entirely  new  management." 

504  READING  FOR  GENTS  ONLY 

"The  rapidly  increasing  divorce  rate,"  remarked  the  wit,  "indicates 
that  America  is  indeed  becoming  the  land  of  the  free." 

"Yes,"  replied  his  prosaic  friend,  "but  the  continued  marriage  rate 
suggests  that  it  is  still  the  home  of  the  brave." 

505  SCIENTIFIC  SALESMANSHIP 

Canvasser — "Does  your  husband  play  golf?" 

Lady— "Yes." 

Canvasser — "Then,  I'm  sure  you  will  be  interested  in  this  set  of 
thirty-eight  volumes  I  am  selling;  it  will  help  you  to  while  away  many 
a  lonely  hour." 

506  RIGHT  BACK  AT  HIM 

An  opulent-appearing  man  drove  up  to  the  curb  in  a  car    that    was 
not  so  opulent,  and  was  accosted  by  a  small  boy: 
"Watch  yer  auto  for  a  nickel,  mister." 
"Beat  it,  kid,  this  machine  won't  run  away." 
"Naw,  but  I  could  call  you  when  it  starts  to  fall  apart." 

507  ALL  SET 

"Of  course,  young  man,"  said  the  girl's  father,  "you  know  that  my 
daughter  has  always  had  a  good  home." 

"Yes,  sir,"  beamed  the  suitor.  "I  believe  that  it  will  prove  entirely 
satisfactory." 

508  TURRIBLE!  TURRIBLE! 

One  Sunday  two  lovers  went  to  church.  When  the  collection  was  be- 
ing taken  up  the  young  man  explored  his  pockets,  and  finding  nothing, 
whispered  to  his  sweetheart,  "I  haven't  a  cent,  I  changed  my  pants." 

Meanwhile  the  girl  had  been  searching  her  bag,  and  finding  nothing, 
blushed  a  rosy  red  and  said,  "I'm  in  the  same  predicament." 

509  WILLFUL  WASTE 

"I  wish  you  would  speak  to  daughter,"  said  the  anxious  Mrs.  Brown 
to  Mr.  Brown.  "I  caught  her  kissing  the  ice  man  this  morning." 

"Good  heavens!"  exclaimed  the  father. 

"Yes,"  continued  Mrs.  Brown.  "Think  of  the  idea  of  her  wasting 
her  time  with  the  i  e  man  when  we  owe  the  butcher  sixty  dollars!" 

510  SELF-INFLICTED 

Blackstone:  "Did  your  wife  accept  you  the  first  time  you  proposed." 
Webster:  "No,  I  have  only  myself  to  blame!" 

511  WHERE  IS  THY  STING? 

"You  are  killing  your  husband  with  kindness." 

"I  told  Robert  that  and  he  remarked  that  as  it  is  a  pleasant,  linger- 
ing death  he  has  no  objection." 


—67— 

512  WIFE  WORSE  THAN  EXPECTED 

A  darky  who  had  recently  married  was  asked  by  the  farmer  for 
whom  he  worked  how  .he  and  his  Mandy  were  getting  along. 

"Not  very  well,  boss.  The  fact  is  Mandy  and  me  we've  done  pa'hted." 

"Parted !"  exclaimed  the  farmer.  "Why,  you  were  just  married.  You 
k..ow,  Sam,  you  can't  leave  Mandy.  She's  your  wife  and  you  took  her 
for  better  or  worse." 

"That's  just  it,  boss,"  said  Sam.  "  I  shore  did  tell  that  pahson  that  I 
took  that  gal  for  better  or  wus.  But,  boss,  dat  gal  is  wus'n  I  took  her 
to  be. 

513  READY  FOR  EMERGENCIES 

"I  don't  suppose  you  keep  anything  so  civilized  as  dog  biscuits  in 
this  one-horse,  run-down,  jay  town,  do  you?'"  the  tourist  snarled. 

"Oh,  yes,  stranger,"  the  village  merchant  responded,  pleasantly. 
"Quite  a  few  folks  like  you  come  through  from  the  city,  and  we  aim  to 
have  everything  called  for.  Have  'em  in  a  bag  or  eat  'em  here?" 

514  TROUBLE  AHEAD 

"Shame  on  you!"  stormed  the  judge  to  the  colored  prisoner.  "You 
come  into  this  court  and  state  that,  because  you  believe  in  signs,  you 
refuse  to  go  home  and  live  with  your  wife.  I  repeat,  shame  on  you!  A 
man  living  in  this  age  shouldn't  let  superstition  break  up  his  home!" 

"Jedge,"  replied  the  defendant,  "taint  superstition  Ah's  afeard  on, 
but  Ah  do  believe  in  signs.  Fo,  de  las,  three  nights,  aftuh  Ah'd  gone  to 
bed,  Ah  could  heah  dat  woman  honin'  mah  razor." 

515  STRICT  OBEDIENCE 

Lady — Did  your  mother  send  any  message  with  this  birthday  bou- 
quet? 

Boy — No.  She  only  said  that  I  was  not  to  ask  for  a  piece  of  cake, 
but  wait  until  you  asked  me  to  have  one. 

516  THE  WRONG  PARTY 

The  wife  of  a  Cincinnati  contractor  had  arranged  to  meet  her  hus- 
band at  a  certain  store.  After  standing  about  for  sometime  she  grew 
impatient,  and  thinking  that  he  might  have  forgotten  to  meet  her,  she 
called  him  up  at  his  place  of  business.  Supposing  that  Central  had 
given  her  the  right  number,  she  exclaimed:  "Hello,  John!  Is  th„t  you? 
I'm  nearly  dead." 

"Well,  madam,"  came  the  reply,  "I  guess  you  have  the  wrong  man. 
I'm  an  undertaker  and  I  want  them  entirely  dead." 

517  A  REAL  TREAT 

Mr.  Wayback  (visiting  his  city  niece):  I  planted  thirty  acres  this 
year. 

City  Niece:  I  must  come  and  see  you  after  they  grow  up.  Yo  :  know, 
I've  never  eaten  an  acre  in  my  life. 

518  STAG  PARTY 

The  Rhode  Island  Red  rooster  was  astonished  one  day  to  see  his 
friend,  the  Plymouth  Rock  rooster,  sitting  philosophically  upon  an  egg. 

"What  on  earth  are  you  doing  there,  Bill?"  he  inquired  curiously. 

"Well,"  the  Plymouth  Rock  explained,  "it's  got  so  nowadays  that 
this  is  about  the  only  kind  of  a  job  a  feller  can  hold  without  being  ef- 
feminate." 


— 6S— 

519  WE  ALL  HAVE 

"I  don't  like  your  heart  action,"  said  the  medical  examiner.  "You've 
had  some  trouble  with  Angina  Pectoris." 

"You're  partly  right,  doctor,"  said  the  applicant  sheepishly,  "only 
that  ain't  her  name." 

520  SEASONAL  PRECAUTIONS 

Medium — The  spirit  of  your  wife  is  here  now.  Do  you  wish  to  speak 
to  her  through  me  ? 

Victim — Yes.  Ask  her  where  she  put  my  winter  undarwear. 

521  FAIR  WARNING 

Bobby  had  devoured  three  large  slices  of  cake  and  still  it  did  not  ap- 
pear that  his  appetite  was  appeased. 

"Aw,  just  another  piece,  please,"  Bobby  begged. 

"If  you  eat  another  piece  of  cake  you  certainly  will  burst,"  his 
grandmother  declared. 

"Then  pass  the  cake  and  stand  back,"  was  Bobby's  decision. 

522  SOMETHING  A  LITTLE  MORE  TENDER 

A  henpecked  and  haggard  New  York  contractor  stepped  into  the 
butcher  shop  the  other  morning  and  asked:  "What  kind  of  meat  have 
you  this  morning?" 

To  which  the  butcher  leplied:  "Some  steak  as  tender  as  a  woman's 
heart." 

"I'll  take  sausage,"  said  the  contractor. 

523  WRONG  TERMINOLOGY 

A  pretty  young  i '  ing  from  the  city  had  been  staying  on  a  ranch  up 
in  the  cattle  country  for  a  few  weeks.  Seeing  some  calves  running 
across  a  pasture,  she  exclaimed,  "Oh,  what  pretty  collets." 

"Yes  miss,"  drawled  a  ranchman,  pulling  his  mustache  to  conceal  a 
smile,  "they  are  pretty,  but  they's  bullets." 

524  PARLEY  VOUS? 

The  school  teacher  had  suddenly  recollected  that  the  day  was  the 
anniversary  of  the  birthday  of  Joan  of  Arc. 

"I  wonder,"  she  wondered  aloud,  "if  any  of  my  pupils  can  tell 
me  the  name  of  the  best  loved  girl  in  France." 

"Aw,  dat's  easy,"  snorted  a  small  boy,  whose  father  had  been  a  pri- 
vate in  the  A.  E.  F.  "Mademoiselle  from  Armentieres." 

525  FIGHTING  BY  SIGNS 

A  story  is  told  on  a  well  known  engineer  who  was  a  National  Guard 
Colonel: 

Two  battalions  of  the  Colonel's  regiment  were  staging  a  sham  battle 
at  their  summer  encampment. 

The  defending  forces  took  possession  of  a  small  hill  overlooking  a 
river  and  destroyed  the  only  bridge  by  the  simple  method  of  tacking  up 
a  notice  on  it  stating  that  they  had  done  so.  As  a  result,  it  was  quite  a 
surprise  to  them  to  see  the  attacking  forces  swarming  across  the 
bridge,  making  extraordinary  motions  in  front  of  them  with  their 
hands. 

"Hold  on  there,  men!"  shouted  the  Colonel's  aide  from  the  observer's 
post.  "You  can't  cross  that  bridge.  It  has  been  blown  up." 

"Tuhel  with  that!"  retorted  the  Major  of  the  other  side,  "we're  not 
crossing  it.  Can't  you  see  we  are  swimming  the  dang  river?" 


—69— 

526  ONE  OFTEN  FOLLOWS  THE  OTHER 

"See  here,"  said  the  angry  visitor  to  the  reporter,  "what  do  you  mean 
by  inserting  the  derisive  expression  'Applesauce'  in  parenthesis  in  my 
speech?" 

"  'Applesauce'?  Great  Scott,  man,  I  wrote  'Applause.'  " 

527  COOPERATION 

She — Oh,  that  Lull  is  coming  right  toward  us!  What  l1u.11  we  do? 
He — Don't  stand  there  doing  nothing;  come  and  help  me  climb  this 
tree. 

528  KEPT  THEM  HUSTLING 

"A  good  turkey  dinner  and  mince  pie,"  said  a  well-known  after 
dinner  orator,  "always  puts  us  in  a  lethargic  mood — makes  us  feel,  in 
fact,  like  the  natives  of  Nola  Chucky.  In  Nola  Chucky  one  day  I  said 
to  a  man: 

"  'What  is  the  principal  occupation  of  this  town?'  " 
"  'Wall,  boss,'  the  man  answered  yawning,  'in  winter  they     mostly 
sets  on  the  east  side  of  the  house  and  follers  the  sun    around    to    the 
west,  and  in  the  summer  they  sets  on  the  west    side  and    follers    the 
shade  around  to  the  east.'  " 

529  HEARTBREAKING 

A  very  sad  tale  is  told  of  a  Scotchman  who  walked  ten  miles  to  see 
a  baseball  game,  and  then  was  too  tired  to  climb  the  fence. 

530  TACT 

"Do  you  and  your  wife  have  similiar  views?" 
"On  second  thought — yes." 

531  ENTHUSIASTIC 

Sporting  goods  salesman  (who  has  talked  golf  for  an  hour) — By  the 
way,  I  don't  know  if  you  are  interested  in  golf.  I  hope  I  haven't  been 
boring  you. 

Girl  customer — Not  in  the  least — but  tell  me,  what  is  golf  ? 

532  A  MATTER  OF  CHOICE 

"Is  this  the  weather  bureau?" 

"Yes,  ma'am." 

"How  about  a  shower  tonight?" 

"It's  all  right  with  me.  If  you  need  one,  take  it." 

533  MUST  TAKE  CONSEQUENCES 

Miss  Highbrow — Oh,  Mr.  Mailman,  please  return  a  package  I've  just 
mailed — it  contains  a  split  infinitive. 

Postman — Sorry,  ma'am  it's  against  orders — and  if  it  damages  the 
other  mail  you'll  be  held  responsibile. 

534  JUST  COMPLAINT 

"You  don't  mean  to  say,"  said  the  fat,  red-faced  woman,  "that  you 
won't  give  me  my  money  back  for  this  book  just  because  I've  read  it? 
You  know  you  advertise  that " 

"Just  a  moment,  please,"  said  the  clerk.  "What's  the  matter  with  the 
book  ?  Is  it  that  the  cover  is  marred,  the  print  imperfect,  or  anything 
like  that?" 

"No." 

"Then  why  are  you  not  satisfied  with  the  story?" 

"Why,  I  don't  like  the  way  it  ends." 


—70— 

535  MERE  WORDS 

Three  women  were  drinking  tea  together  and  the  first  said:  "George 
and  I  ha\  e  been  married  28  years,  and  in  all  that  time  there  has  never 
been  an  unkind  word — no,  not  even  an  unkind  thought  to  mar  our  per- 
fect happiness." 

The  second  woman  was  tremendously  impressed.  "My  goodness!  I 
wish  I  could  say  that!"  she  cried. 

The  third  woman  smiled  and  said:  "Well,  why  don't  you?" 

536  OUT  OF  LUCK 

A  colored  recruit  who  had  been  placed  on  sentry  duty  was  accosted 
by  a  corporal  who  asked  if  the  sentry  had  seen  anything  of  the  captain. 

"Ah  am'  seen  no  cap'n,"  said  the  recruit. 

After  a  little  the  corporal  passed  that  way  again  and  repeated  the 
inquiry. 

The  sentry  had  still  not  seen  the  captain. 

Presently,  however,  the  captain  appeared. 

"Ain't  you  the  cap'n?"  asked  the  sentry. 

The  other  replied  that  he  was. 

"Well,  you  all  is  gonna  get  hell!  That  co'p'ral  is  been  lookin'  high  en 
low  f  o'  you,"  the  sentry  exclaimed. 

537  THE  PROFESSOR  ON  THE  JOB 

Professor  Abson  Minded  tried  to  commit  suicide  last  night.  He  was 
going  to  hang  himself  to  a  beam  in  the  attic." 

"Good  Lord!  Didn't  he  succeed?" 

"No.  When  they  found  him  he  was  still  sitting  on  the  stepladder, 
trying  to  remember  why  he  had  tied  that  string  around  his  neck.'' 

5C8  PASSING  THE  BUCK 

"Yes,  Rupert,"  said  mother,  "the  baby  was  a  Christmas  present 
from  the  angels." 

"Well  mama,"  said  Rupert,  "if  we  lay  him  away  carefuly  and  don't 
use  him,  can't  we  give  him  to  somebody  else  next  Christmas?" 

539  PUTTING  THE  DIN  IN  DINNER 

Patient:  "Doctor,  there  is  an  awful    rumbling    in  my    stomach.    It 
sounds  like  a  cart  going  over  a  cobblestone  street." 
Doctor:  "It's  probably  that  truck  you  at^  for  dinner." 

540  PRECAUTION 

The  beefy  man  scanned  the  bill  of  fare  very  closely. 

"Oh,  I  don't  know  what  I  want;  I'm  not  really  hungry,"  he  said  to  the 
waiter.  "I  guess,  though,  I'll  have  a  broiled  lobster,  a  double  Welsh 
rarebit,  a  couple  of  side  orders  of  vegetables  and  a  mince  pie." 

"Will  you  please  write  your  order,  sir,  and  sign  it?"  the  waiter 
asked  respectfully.  "We  always  like  to  have  something  to  show  the 
coroner,  sir." 

541  HE  KNEW'  EM 

Daughter — Did  you  hear,  dad,  they've  just  caught  the  biggest  hotel 
thief  in  Ne_  r  Yor1'. 

Father— Oh  ?  Which  hotel  did  he  run  ? 


—71— 

542  ON  MONKEY-WRENCH 

An  automobile  tourist  was  traveling  through  the  great  Northwest 
when  he  met  with  a  slight  accident  to  his  machine.  In  some  way  he  had 
mislaid  his  monkey-wrench,  so  he  stopped  at  a  nearby  farmhouse, 
where  the  following  conversation  took  place  between  him  rnd  the 
Swede  farmer: 

"Have  you  a  monkey-wrench  here?" 

"Naw;  my  brother  he  got  a  cattle-rench  over  there;  my  cousin  he 
got  a  sheep-rench  further  down  the  road,  but  too  cold  here  for  mon- 
key-rench." 

543  HORRID  THING 

"Hello,"  called  a  feminine  voice  over  the  telephone,  "is  this  the  Hu- 
mane Society?" 

"Yes,"  replied  the  official  in  charge. 

"Well-  -there's  a  book  agent  sitting  out  here  hi  a  tree  teasing  my 
dog." 

544  HANDLED  BOTH  DEPARTMENTS 

Colonel  Corkright-Majuh  Bludsoe  is  an  excellent  judge  of  liquor, 
isn't  he,  suh? 

Colonel  Gore — Yes,  suh!  The  Majuh's  not  only  a  good  judge  of  it, 
but  also  a  merciless  executioner. 

545  NON-SUPPORT 

"Yes,tBobby,  when  you  die  your  body  will  stay  here  but  your  soul 
will  go  to  Heaven." 

"Well  then,  mother,  when  I  get  to  Heaven  what  will  I  have  to  but- 
ton my  pants  onto?" 

546  A  FAUX  PAS 

For  an  hour  or  so  a  movie  star  had  been  impatiently  watching  a 
rehearsal. 

"What's  the  idea  of  this  picture,  anyway?"  she  inquired  at  length. 

"Idea?"  gasped  the  director.  "Idea?  My  dear  young  lady,  do  you 
want  to  ruin  the  picture  profession?" 

547  CROSSED  THE  SIGNALS 

"Mother,"  said  little  Bobby,  bursting  into  the  house  all  out  of 
breath,  "there's  going  to  be  the  deuce  to  play  down  at  the  grocer's. 
His  wife  has  got  a  baby  girl  and  he's  had  a  'Boy  wanted'  sign  in  the 
window  for  a  week." 

548  CERTAINLY 

Smith  was  never  an  early  bird  at  the  office.    His    boss     exclaimed: 
"Late  again.  Have  you  ever  in  your  life  done  anything  on  time?" 
"Yes,  sir,"  was  the  meek  but  prompt  reply.  "I  bought  a  car." 

549  THE  NEXT  BEST  THING 

"What  makes  you  think  Bill  Morgan  is  economical?" 

"Well,  his  wife  wanted  to  see  the  world — and  he  gave  her  a  map." 

550  AN  EMERGENCY  CALL 

"My  boss  says  he  can't  come  after  all,"  said  the  plumber's  boy.  "But 
as  it  was  a  hurry-up  call,  he  sent  me." 

"But  I  never  sent  for  anyone,"  said  the  mistress  of  the  house,  rather 
puzzled. 

"Oh,  then,"  the  boy  concluded,  "it  must  have  been  the  folks  as  was 
here  before  you  moved  in." 


—72— 

551  *OLD  FRIENDS 

Bobby's  mother  took  him  out  to  the  park  the  other  day,  and  as  they 
stood  watching  the  birds  in  their  enormous  cage  the  little  fellow  ob- 
served a  stork  gazing  at  him.  "Oh,  look,  mother,"  safd  Bobby.  "The 
stork  is  trying  to  see  if  he  remembers  me  still." 

552  FRANK  ADVICE 

A  young  mas  just  out  of  college  sought  the  advice  of  a  hard-headed 
and  successful  business  man. 

"Tell  me,  please,  how  I  should  go  about  getting  a  start  in  the  great 
game  of  business." 

"Sell  your  wrist  watch  and  buy  an  alarm  clock,"  was  the  laconic 
reply. 

553  REMEMBERED  TOO  LATE. 

Professor  (after  being  fished  out  of  the  water) — The  worst  of  it  is 
that  I  have  just  remembered  that  I  can  swim. 

554  READY  TO  BLAST 

"Hear  they  got  a  new  dentist  here,"  remarked  Pete,  the  cowpunch- 
er,  on  a  visit  to  Bad  Man's  Gulch.  "How  do  you  get  along  with  him?" 

"Well,"  drawled  Matt,  the  miner,  "he  turned  the  air  drill  into  me, 
but  I  escaped  before  the  durned  fool  could  tamp  in  the  dynamite." 

555  THE  USUAL  WAY 

Willis:  Bump  claims  to  be  a  very  strong-minded  man. 
Gillis:  That's  right.  When  Bump  tells  his  wife  to  do  a  thing  he  does 
it. 

556  WHEREIN  HE  FELL  SHORT 

A  candidate  for  Congress  from  a  certain  Western  state  was  never 
shy  about  telling  the  voters  why  they  should  send  him  to  Washington. 

"I  am  a  practical  farmer,"  he  said  boastfully  at  one  meeting.  "I  can 
plow,  reap,  milk  cows,  shoe  a  horse;  in  fact,  I  should  like  you  to  tell 
me  one  thing  about  a  farm  which  I  cannot  do." 

Then,  in  the  impressive  silence,  a  voice  asked  from  the  back  of  the 
hall:  "Can  you  lay  an  eggV 

557  IN  A  WAY 

"And  did  you  have  a  honeymoon,  Mandy?"  asked  her  mistress  of 
her  colored  laundress. 

"We-e-ell,"  was  the  hesitating  reply,  "Rastus  done  he'ped  me  wid  de 
washins  de  fust  two  weeks."   " 

558  SPEAKING  FROM  EXPERIENCE 

A  sweet  girl  high-school  graduate  went  to  a  country  school  on  Sep- 
tember 1  to  begin  work  in  her  chosen  profession.  As  she  looked  out  at 
the  landscape,  she  observed  trees  with  their  limbs  bent  to  the  ground. 

Teacher:  "Why  do  those  trees  bend  over  so  far?" 

Boy  Pupil:  "I  guess  you'd  bend  over  too  if  you  wuz  full  o'  green  ap- 
ples like  them  trees." 

559  CAUTION 

"So  you  want  to  marry  Alice,  do  you?"  asked  the  girl's  father  of  the 
young  man  of  her  choice. 

"Very  much  indeed,"  replied  the  youth. 

"Can  you  support  a  family?" 

The  young  man  reflected  a  moment,  and  then  asked,  "How  many 
are  there  of  you,  sir?" 


—73— 
56^.„         A  .  UNDER  COMPULSION 

Hubbyy-0wto  0wasThant"hen  *  ^^  ""  t0M  the  trUth' 
inK^^re^"  When  ^  Said'  "EVG'  *»*  the  only  woman 

56L       -ii         ,  GIPPED 

The  village  bank  had  been  forced  to  close  its  doors  and  Ike  although 
\wWllCampi°n  «e  er-do-well,  was  loudest  in  his  denunciat ons* 
debitor -Yor,  Ym  ^kmg  .alTt?"  g:rowled  a  comparatively  Targe 
there/'  h*Ve  had  m°re  than    a  C0UPle    of    dollars  !n 

"Well,  'retorted  Ike,  "if  I'd  known  this  was  gonna  happen  I  could  nf 
been  overdrawn,  couldn't  I?"  K""««*  nappen  i  could  of 

562A  ^  SUBMITTED 

After  a  young  lawyer  had  talked  nearly  five    hours    +n  »  iV™        i. 

°6*  ,  HIS  LUCK 

o64A  .  L  PLUMB  WUTHLESS 

"What's  the  matter  with  them?"  nsVor?  f^  „i     i     «™ 
wearing  all  right."  *  ed  the  cIerk'    They  seem  to  be 

"Oh   yassuh,"  replied  the  negro.  "Dey  wears  all  nVhf  w  ^       ^     ,. 
seem  to  put  de  edge  on  mah  razah  like  d,oM  ones  did."  *  d°n  * 

56?T         ..  THOUGHTFUL  HUBBY 

upon  his  return  from  Florida    Smith  \s    -.t^-p^    ±     j     * 
whether  he  had  thought  ofMt'Jin^    "^    "» 
ppen"'  °nCe'    "^  he'  <Vhen  *  Saw  a  bi^  old^alligator  with  her  mouth 

566A  1Jt  NO  ARGUMENT 

A  would-be  soap  box  orator  who  had    rparhpW     ti,* 
stage  sat  down  next  to  a  Clergyman  in  a  street  c^w^^^^ 
something  he  turned  to  the  Clergyman  and s7l  ***'  WlShm*  t0  Start 

1  won  t  go  to  heaven,  for  there  ain't  no  heaven  »  Th«  L    ,     . 

was  not  forthcoming.  neaven.    The  expected  rise 

mi  say  there  ain't  no  heaven.  I  ain't  goin'  to  heavpn  »  \>~    i. 
The  Clergyman  replied  quietly   "Well    ,nt^!n^    he  shouted, 
about  it."  q         y'     Wel1'  g0  t0  hel1  then>  but  be  quiet 

567  DESTINATION  UNANNOUNCED 

He  hac  returned  to  his  native  village  after  an  aWnr*  nf 
and  was  inquiring  about  his    old     friends     and     »?Z    •   .     S°me  years 
Where's  Cook?"  was  one  question  acquaintances.    "And 

"Dead." 

"Dead?  Well,  peace  to  his  ashes." 

"Oh,"  said  the  informant,  "do  you  think  he's  gone  there?" 


—74— 
*fiR  THE  BOOSTERS 

During  an  extre.ely  cold  ^^^^^s^^!^ 

Sa"Afn>t  that  just  like  the  blankety-blank-blank  Chamber  of  Commerce 

anyway?" 

KCQ  \DVERTISING  EXPERT 

^She-It  is  useless  4  you  to  say  any  more,    I    cannot    marry    you. 
Shall  I  return  your  letters  ? 

He— No;  I  shall  have  to  get  up  some  better  forms. 

-7n  SIMPLE  FRACTIONS  . 

is  meant  by  the  small  fraction  over  five. 

OHT 
"The  next  morning  after  the  excitement  Mr.  Jones    encountered    his 

16  "Yes,"  was  the  reply;  "she  thought  it  was  me." 
.-o  NO  RAPID  TRANSIT 

school  you  ought  to  buy  them  an  encyclopedia 

-Buy  them  an  encyclopedia?  Hanged  if  I  do,    ™as  his    repiy. 
them  walk,  like  I  did." 

5?1  Western  lawyer  entered^on^mlTclient's  cell.  "Well,"  he  said 
cheerfuly,  "good  news  at  last." 

"A  rP^ripve9"  exclaimed  the  prisoner  eagerly. 

"No.  bu  your  uncle  has  died  leaving  you  §5,000  ^Vorts^oYyour 
your  fate  with  the  satisfying  feeling  that  the  noble    efforts    of    your 

lawyer  will  not  go  unrewarded." 

=71  TOUGH  LUCK 

A  Scotchman  who  had  been  playing  golf  in  Florida  was  seen  wend- 
ing^hl  way  homeward  through  the  links,  leading  an    alligator    on    a 

r° "What's  the  big  idea?"  asked  a  friend,  "Why  are  you  carrying  off 
^-Wee!  »  s'aid  the  Scotchman,  "the  hungry  brute  swallowed  my  golf 
ball." 

171  TIME  LIMITED  J  A-        the 

"See  here,  young  man,"  stormed  the  irate    father,    descending    the 

stairs  at  one  a.  m.  "do  you  think  you  can  stay  in  the  parlor    with    my 

6KS^Z^bf&A  ^e  imperturbable  youth  modestly,  "but  I'm 
really  afraid  I'll  have  to  be  leaving  about  four  or  five  o  clock. 


—75— 

576  ANIMAL  SPIRITS 

"So  yuh  teased  the  tenderfoot,  huh?"  asked  Cactus  Pete. 

"Yeah,"  replied  Yuma  Joe.  "Jest  kidded  him  a  little.  Drew  a  circle 
around  his  heart  with  five  bullets  an'  made  him  think  I  was  gonna  put 
the  sixth  one  inside  the  circle." 

577  MATRIMONIAL  FELICITY 

"Say,  sonny,  is  your  father  at  home?'7 

"No,  he  hain't  been  home  since  Mamma  caught  Santa  Claus  kissing 
the  hired  girl." 

578  GENTLE  HINT 

A  pedestrian,  bumped  by  a  taxi,  found  himself  lying  in  the  street  di- 
rectly in  the  path  of  a  steam  roller. 

"That  reminds  me."  he  cried  in  a  tone  of  annoyance,  "I  was  to  bring 
home  some  pancake  flour!" 

579  NO  COMPLAINT 

"Young  man,"  called  down  the  girl's  father  sternly  from  the  top  of 
the  stairs,  "have  you  any  idea  what  time  it  is?" 
"Twelve  o'clock,  sir,"  replied  the  ex-gob. 
"Well?" 
"And  all's  well." 

580  DOUBLE  SHIFT 

A  shoemaker  gave  a  money  guarantee  that  his  shoes  would  last 
three  months.  A  Scotchman  bought  a  pair,  but  in  three  weeks 
brought  them  back — in  holes  and  completely  worn  out. 

"That's  queer,"  said  the  shoemaker.  "You're  the  only  person  who  has 
complained.  Did  they  fit  you  all  right?" 

"Aye,  but  they  were  a  wee  bit  tight  for  ma  brother  who  works  at 
nights." 

581  A  REMINDER 

A  handsome  and  youthful  college  graduate  was  introduced  at  the 
morning  assembly  of  the  high  school  as  the  new  teacher  in  music  and 
art.  He  began  his  little  speech  by  saying:  "I  see  before  me  many 
bright  and  shining  faces."  And  then  187  powder  puffs  went  into  action 
immediately,  energetically  anl  effectively. 

582  HIT  HIS  MARK 

A  committee  from  the  legislature  was  visiting  the  state  university. 
They  were  invited  to  take  supper  at  the  students'  club,  where  most  of 
the  poor  young  fellows  who  had  to  work  their  way  got  board  at  cost. 
After  supper  the  students  called  on  the  visitors  for  speeches. 

One  member  from  a  remote  county,  who  had  made  his  reputation  by 
"bein'  a  good  talker,"  grew  very  eloquent  in  his  encouragement  to  the 
boys  to  go  on,  in  spite  of  all  difficulties. 

"I  know  what  it  is,  boys,"  he  said  emphatically.  "I  had  to  dig  for  my 
own  education,  but  I  shore  got  r  er." 

583  DISILLUSIONED 

"I'm  getting  up  a  little  poker  game,  Major"  invited  a  friend.  "Would 
you  like  to  join  us?" 

"Sir,  I  do  not  play  poker." 

"I'm  sorry.  I  was  under  the  impression  that  you  did." 

"I  was  under  that  impression  myself,  Sir." 


—76— 

584  THE  HORRIBLE  ENDING 

There  had  been  a  train  wreck  and  one  of  two  traveling  authors  felt 
himself  slipping  from  this  life. 

^'Goodbye,  Charlie,"  he  groaned  to  his  friend.  "I'm  done  for  " 
f  Don  t  say  that,  Jim,  boy,"  gasped  the  other  in  horror.  "For  Heav- 
en s  sake,  don't  end  your  last  sentence  with  a  preposition!" 

585  WHOLESALE  QUANTITIES 

He— That  little  brother  of  yours  is  a  bright  boy.  He  just  told  me  he 
should  expect  a  quarter  if  I  kissed  you. 

She— The  young  wretch!  You  didn't  give  him  anything,  did  you? 
Me — Yes,  I  gave  him  a  dollar  in  advance. 

586  WHAT  ABOUT  BASKET  BALL? 

Now  Herbert,"  said  the  teacher,  "how  many  seasons  are  there?" 

Do  you  mean  in  the  United  States?" 
"Yes,  certainly." 
"Two." 

"Only  two?  Name  them." 
"Baseball  and  football." 

587  NEVER  FORGETS 

"Good-by  "  said  the  little  boy.  "I've  had  a  very  nice  time,  thank  you." 

^You  don't  say  so,"  replied  his  host,  genially. 

"Yes,  i  do,"  said  the  youngster,  seriously.  "Always." 

588  EXCHANGING  COMPLIMENTS 

for  a™eedle/?y'  ^  ^  "  S°  ^  y°U  C°Uld  d°Se  °ne  eye     and    pass 

nf ^ b°-  "Don\tanc'  bi*  b°y'  you  is  fc0  thin>  y°u  could  take  a    drink 
of  grape  juice  and  be  used  for  a  tho-mometer." 

589  THAT'S  DIFFERENT 

Pa?«onft?eewSlT  lM*  ^  r^e)~Who  told  3™  *    put    that 
Paperhanger — Your  wife. 
Man  of  the  House  (subsiding)— Pretty,  isn't  it? 

590.  NO  GATE  TENDER 

wall SSSf  the  right  °f  Way  f°r  the  ™sed    railroad, 
"Yes ,»  he  said,  "the  line  will  run  right  through  your  barnyard  " 

JiggTred  tfpffiJ^  Sr?^  ?*  &°  *  tf  ye  want,  but  I'll  be 
tSu^'^^"  thG  mght  JUSt  t0  °pen  the  ^  e^ y  time    a 

591  A  GREAT  OPPORTUNITY 

A  young  city  couple  had  just  moved  into  the  suburbs  and    from    an 
upper  window  the  wife  was  exercising  a  new  pair  of  field  glasses 
swt^  Sh%Cried; :  that  realtor  who  told  you  our  house  was  only    a 

°  w  n  »r°W  fr0IV?e  statlon  is  ^tting  off  the  train  now!" 
my  best .'"  anSWered  her  husband  grim1^  "hand  ™  a  stone  and  I'll  do 

59*  OF  COURSE 

The  teacher  was  giving  the  kindergarten  class  a  lesson  in  natural 
history  Turning  to  one  small  tot,  she  inquired:  "What  do  camels  have 
Mary  Jane,  that  no  other  animals  have?"  e' 

"Little  camels,"  was  the  surprising  reply. 


—77— 

593A ,      .  JNLIMITED  POSSIBILITIES 

Abraham — My  poy,  ver  are  my  glasses  ? 
Isaac — On  your  nose,  fadder. 
Abraham— Don't  be  so  indefinite. 

59*  „  ACCIDENT  INSURANCE 

bay  Boss  "  cried  a  dark-skinned  customer,  rushing  much  perturbed 
into  a  store,  a  no'count  boy  has  threatened  my  life.  Ah  craves  pro- 
L"c  Lion, 

"How  about  a" bullet-proof  vest?"  queried  the  man  behind  the 
counter. 

59j>  NOT  INCONVENIENCED 

"Wuthless.  Am'  yo'  got  no  razzer-proof  collahs?" 

Finally  the  orator  himself  realized  -;hat  his  discourse  had  been 
somewhat  prolonged.  "I  beg  to  be  excused  if  I  have  detained  you  too 
long,    he  remarked. 

ha'li0^*  at  f1'"  said  the  v?ice  of  the  sole  remaining  occupant  of  the 
hall.    It  has  only  just  stopped  raining." 

59(j  MODEST  DEMANDS 

mpr  TfcT  ten  yearS  ?*,'•  aPpH-ed  f°r  a  ;:°b  as  grocer's  b°y  for  th«  sum- 
Httlelest  a  Serious"mind2d  ^outh>  &°  ^  put  Johnny  to  a 

;;Well,  my  boy  what  would  you  do  with  a  million  dollars,"  he  asked 
Oh,  ge^I  I  don  t  know— I  wasn't  expecting  so  much  at  the  start." 

597.  PUTTING  HER  RIGHT 

A  farmer  went  into  a  city  restaurant  and  said  to  the  waitress: 
rep] I  m  nGW  potatoes  crea^sd?"  "Sixty    crits;"    was     the 

The  farmer  looked  at  her  for  a  moment  and  then  exclaimed: 
tatoes  »"'  S  y°U  C°uldn,t  carry  sixty  cents'  wo^th  of  new    po- 

59^  .  VERY  SIMPLE 

youf  heead?""  (t°  grandfather)-  Grandpa,  why  don't  you  grow  hair  on 

?S?dPf— "Well,  why  doesn't  grass  grow  on  a  busy  street?" 
Little  Girl—  Oh,  I  see;  it  can't  get  up  through  the  concrete." 

599  MAKING  CHANGE 

Hay  and  Feed  Dealer— "You  owe  me  $3  for  oats,  Mose,  and  if  you 
don  t  pay  me  I'll  have  to  take  your  horse  " 

Uncle  Mose-" All  right,  Mista  Guggenheimer,  an'  Ah'll  pay  you  de 
balance  o'  de  S3  jest  as  soon  as  Ah  kin." 

6°m     rp     •  u      .     P00R  BUSINESS  JUDGMENT 

exSnTk  w,  ^cht,  D°nar  WUd  hae  marrit  a  WOman  wi'  fa™in' 
experience.  She  wud  hae  been  a  power  o'  help  tae  him. 

MacHaggis-But,  mon,  he's  engaged  to  a  nurse. 

^MacTavish-Aye,  but  he  doesn't  expect  tae  be  sick  all  his  life,  does 

601A   .  A,  IN  TWO  REELS 

fu£  yfureson."eiVed  ^^  meSSagG  fr°m  hls  S°n  at  C0lle^e:  "No  ™n>  ™ 
He  replied:  "Too  bad!  How  sad!  Your  Dad." 


605 
606 


—73— 
QUOTATIONS  FROM  THE  GREAT  AND  NEAR-GREAT 

(502  Whate'er  there  be  Df  Sorrow 

I'll  put  off  till  Tomorrow, 
And  when  Tomorrow  comes,  why  then 
'Twill  be  Today  and  Joy  again.— Bangs 

603  To  set  the  cause  above  xenown, 

To  love  the  game  s.bove  the  prize.-Newbolt 

604  There's  small  choice  in  rotten  apples. -Shakespeare 
Oh  yet  we  trust  that  somehow  good 
Will  be  the  final  goal  of  ill.— Tennyson 
Words  are  like  leaves;  and  where  they  most  abound, 
Much  fruit  of  sense  beneath  is  rarely  found.-Pope 

607  But  hushed  be  every  thought  that  springs 
From  out  the  bitterness  of  things. -Wordsworth 

608  Some  feelings  are  to  mortals  given 

With  less  of  earth  in  them  than  heaven.-Scott 

aaq  What's  in  a  name"  That  which  we  call  a  rose 

609  ^y  any  other  name  would  smell  as  sweet-Shakespeare 

610  The  rank  is  but  the  guinea's  stamp. 
The  man's  the  gowd  for  a'  that.-Burns 

611  To  know,  to  esteem,  to  love,  and  then  tc >PjJrt'c  ,     id 
Makes  up  life's  tale  to  many  a  feeling  heart.-Coltridge 

612  Drink  ye  to  her  that  each  loves  best! 

And  if  you  nurse  a  flame 
That's  told  but  to  her  mutual  breast, 

We  will  not  ask  her  name.— Campbell 

613  No,  the  heart  that  has  truly  loved  never  forgets, 
But  as  truly  loves  on  to  the  close; 

As  the  sunflower  turns  or  her  god  when  he  sets 

The  same  look  which  she  turn'd  when  he  rose.-Moore 

614  They  never  fail  who  die 
In  a  great  cause.— Byron 

615  In  words,  as  fashions,  the  same  rule  will  hold, 
Alike  fantastic  if  too  new  or  old: 

Be  not  the  first  by  whom  the  new  are  tried, 
Nor  yet  the  last  to  lay  the  old  aside.— Pope 

616        ^^le^^^^^r^^^^ 

an  In  statesmanship 

6  To  strike  too  soon  is  oft  to  miss  the  blow.-Tennyson 

618  Better  to  sink  beneath  the  shock 

Than  moulder  piecemeal  on  the  rock.— Byron. 

619  Love  in  a  hut,  with  water  and  a  crust, 

biy  Js— Love  forgive  us!— cinders,  ashes,  dust.— Keats 


620 


—79— 

The  man  that  hath  no  music  in  himself, 
Nor  is  not  moved  by  concord  of  sweet  sounds, 
Is  fit  for  treasons,  stratagems,  and  spoils; 
Let  no  such  man  be  trusted.— Shakespe~e 

Q91  Every  guilty  deed 

Holds  in  itself  the  seed 
Of  retribution  and  undying  pain.— Longfellow 


622 

623 
624 


625 


626 


628 
629 

630 


632 


633 


Life  is  as  tedious  as  a  twice-told  tale 

Vexing  the  dull  ear  of  a  drowsy  man.-Shakespeare 

For  man  is  man  and  master  of  his  fate.— Tennyson 

Of  all  the  causes  which  conspire  to  blind 

Man's  erring  judgment,  and  misguide  the  mind; 

What  the  weak  head  with  strongest  bias  rules,— 

Is  pride,  the  never-failing  vice  of  fools.— Fope 

Ah,  gentle  dames!  it  gars  me  greet 

To  think  how  monie  counsels  sweet, 

How  monie- lengthened  sage  advices, 

The  husband  frae  the  wife  despises.— Burns 

The  world  is  too  much  with  us;  late  and  soon, 

Getting  and  spending,  we  lay  waste  our  powers: 

Little  we  see  in  Nature  that  is  ours. -Wordsworth 


627  But  pleasures  are  like  poppies  spread, 

You  seize  the  flower,  its  blo>m  is  shed; 

Or,  like  the  snow-fa;  1  in  the  river, 

A  moment  white,  thsn  melts  forever.— Burns 


How  oft  the  sight  of  means  to  do  ill  deeds 

Makes  deeds  ill  done.— Shakespeare 

The  rose  is  fairest  when 'tis  budding  new, 

And  hope  is  brightest  when  it  dawns  from  fears. 
The  rose  is  sweetest  wash'd  with  morning  dew, 

And  love  is  loveliest  whe  1  embalm'd  in  tears.— bcott 


Tis  not  the  whole  of  life  to  live, 

Nor  all  of  death  to  die.— Montgomery 

631  Naught  cared  this  body  for  vvind  or  weather 

When  youth  and  I  lived  in't  together.— Coleridge 

All  the  world's  a  stage, 
And  all  the  men  and  women  merely  players. 
They  have  their  exits  and  their  entrances; 
And  one  man  in  his  time  plays  many  parts, 
His  acts  being  seven  ages.— Shakespeare 

But  there's  nothing  so  sweet  in  life 
As  love's  young  dream. — Moore 

634  He  was  the  mildest  manner'd  man 
That  ever  scuttled  ship  cr  cut  a  throat.— Byron 

635  All  that  we  see  or  seem 

Is  but  a  dream  within  a  dream.— Foe 

636  A  woman  moved  is  like  a  fountain  troubled,— 

Muddy,  ill-seeming,  thick,  bereft  of  beauty— Shakespeare 


—80— 

637  The  great  city  is  that    whicl     has    the   greatest     man   or 
woman. — Whitman 

638  A  little  learning  is  a  dangerous  thing; 
Drink  deep,  or  taste  not  the  Pierian  spring: 
There  shallow  draughts  intoxicate  the  brain, 
And  drinking  largely  sobers  us  again. — Pope 

639  True  humility, 

The  highest  virtue,  mo:her  of  them  all. — Tennyson 

640  Some  hae  meat  and  canna  eat, 

And  some  would  eat  that  want  it; 
But  we  hae  meat,  and  we  can  eat, 

Sae  let  the  Lcrd  be  thankit. — Burns 

641  A  little  fire  is  quickly  trodden  out; 

Which,  being  suffered,  rivers  cannot  quench. — Shakespeare 

642  Where  lives  the  man  that  has  not  tried 
How  mirth  can  into  folly  glide, 

And  folly  intc  sin. — Scott 

643  Years  of  love  have  been  forgot 
In  the  hatred  of  i  minute. — Poe 

644  And  truant  husband  should  return,  and  say, 

"My  dear,  I  was  the  first  who  came  away." — Byron 

645  Whoever  thinks  a  faultless  piece  to  see, 

Thinks  what  ne'er  was,  nor  is,  nor  e'er  shall  be. — Pope 

646  All  who  joy  would  win 

Must  share  it — happiness  was  born  a  twin. — Byron 

647  A  man  he  seems  cf  cheerful  yesterdays 
And  confident  tomorrows. — Wordsworth 

648  But  if  it  be  a  sin  to  covet  honor, 

I  am  the  most  offending  soul  alive. — Shakespeare 

649  The  way  to  resumption  is  to  resume. — Samuel  P.  Chase 

650  Peace  is  always  beautiful. — Whitman 

651  And  better  had  they  ne'er  been  born, 

Who  read  to  doubt,  or  read  to  scorn. — Scott 

652  The  best  laid  schemes  of  mice  and  men 

Gang  aft  a-gley; 
And  leave  us  naught  but  grief  and  vain 
For  promised  joy. — Burns 

653  Necessity  is  the  argument    of  tyrants;    it   is  the   creed   of 

slaves. — Pitt 

654  One  impulse  from  a  vernal  wood 
May  teach  you  more  of  man, 

Of  moral  evil  and  of  good, 

Than  all  the  sages  can. — Wordsworth 

655  0  woman!  in  our  hours  of  ease 
Uncertain,  coy,  ar.d  hard  to  please, 
When  pain  and  arguish  wring  the  brow, 
A  ministering  angel,  thou! — Scott 


—81— 

656  Bliss  in  possession  will  not  last; 
Remembered  joys  are  never  past; 

At  once  the  fountain,  stream,  and  sea, 

They  were,  they  are,  they  yat  shall  be. — Montgomery 

657  They  are  as  sick  that  surfei ;  with  too  much,  as    they    that 
starve  with  nothing. — Shakespeare 

658  And  the  Devil  did  grin,  for  his  darling  sin 

Is  pride  that  apes  humility. — Coleridge 

659  What  will  not  woman,  gentle  woman  dare, 

When  strong  affection  stirs  her  spirit  up? — Southey 

660  For  thy  sake,  tobacco  I 

Would  do  anything  but  die. — Lamb 

661  'Tis  distance  lends  enchantment  to  the  view, 

And  robes  the  mountain  in  its  azure  hue. — Campbell 

662  When  Time  who  steals  our  years  away 

Shall  steal  our  pleasure;;  too, 
The  mem'ry  of  the  past  will  stay, 
And  half  our  joys  renew. — Moore 

663  Liberty    exists   in   proportion     to    wholesome     restraint. 
—Webster. 

664  Years  steal 
Fire  from  the  mind  as  vigour  from  the  limb, 

And  life's   enchanted    cup    out   sparkles    near    the    brim. 
— Byron 

665  I  love  tranquil  solitude 

And  such  society 
As  is  quiet,  wise,  and  good. — Shelley 

666  But  love  is  blind,  and  lovers  cannot  see 

The  pretty  follies  that  themselves  commit. — Shakespeare 

567  You  have  too  much  respect   ipon  the  world: 

They  lose  it  that  do  buy  it  with  too  much  care — Shakespeare 

668  Touch  us  gently,  Time! 

Let  us  glide  dowr  thy  stream 
Gently,  as  we  somet'.mes  glk.e 

Through  a  euie;  dream. — Procter 

669  Still  from  the  fount  of  joy's  delicious  springs 

Some  bitter  o'er  the  flowers  its    bubbling     venom    flings 
— Byron 

670  Oh  why  should  the  spirit  of  mortal  be  proud? 
Like  a  fast-flitting  meteor,  .i  fast-flying  cloud, 
A  flash  of  the  lightring,  a  b;-eak  of  the  wave, 

Ke  passes  from  life  to  his  rest  in  the  grave. — Knox 

671  Life,  like  a  dome  of  many-c(  lored  glass, 
Stains  the  white  rac'iance  ol  eternity. — Shelley 

672  Loveliest  of  lovely  things  are  they 
On  earth  that  soone.st  pass  away. 
The  rose  that  lives  its  little  lour 

Is  prized  beyond  the  sculptu  *ed  flower. — Bryant 

673  Beauty  is  truth,  truth  beauty, — that  is  all 

Ye  know  on  earth,  and  all  ye  need  to  know. — Keats 


—82— 

674  Silence  is  deep  as  Eternity,  speech    is    shallow    as    Time. 
— Carlyle 

675  The  heights  by  great  men  reached  and  kept 
Were  not  attainrd  by  sudden  flight, 

But  they  while  their  companions  slept 

Were  toiling  upward  in  the  night. — Longfellow 

676  I  sit  beside  my  lonely  fire 
And  pray  for  wis  dom  yet: 
For  calmness  to  remember 
Or  courage  to  forget. — Aide 

677  Genius  does  what  it  must,  talent  does  what  it  can. — Lytton 

678  And  a  woman  is  only    a    woman,  but    a  good    cigar    is    a 
smoke. — Kipling 

679  The  lunatic,  the  '  over,  and  the  poet 

Are  of  imagination  a'l  compact. — Shakespeare 

680  Self-reverence,   self-knowledge,  self-control, — 

These  three  alore  lead  life  to  sovereign  power. — Tennyson 

681  Know  then  thysolf,  presume  not  Go  i  to  scan; 
The  proper  study  of  mankind  is  man. — Pope 

682  A  thing  of  beauty  is  a  joy  forever; 
Its  loveliness  increases;  it  will  never 
Pass  into  nothingness — Keats 

683  So  precious  life  is!  Even  to  the  old 

The  hours  are  as  a  miser's  coins. — Aldrich 

684  Honor  lies  in  hcnest  toil. — Grover  Cleveland 

685  Ships  that  pass  each  ether  in  the    night    and    speak    each 

other  in  passing; 
Only  a  signal  sh:>wn  and  a  distant  voice  in  the  darkless; 
So  on  the  ocean  }f  life  we  pass  and  speak  one  anotrer,  ' 
Only  a  look  and  a  voice;  then  darkness  again  an:!      silence. 
— Longfellow 

686  Harebells  and  sweet  lilies  show  a  thornless  growth, 

But  J;he  rose  wit'i  all  its  thorns  excels  them  both. — Rossetti 

687  All  things  that  are, 

Are  with  more  spirit  chased  than  enjoyed. — Sl.akespeare 

688  How  dull  it  is  to  pause,  to  make  an  end, 
To  rust  unburnished,  not  to  shine  in  use, — 
As  tho'  to  breathe  were  life! — Tennyson 

689  All  are  but  parts  of  one  stupendous  whole, 
Whose  body  Nature  is,  and  God  the  soul. — Pope 

690  Then  gently  scan  your  brother  man, 

Still  gentler  sister  woman; 
Though  they  may  gang  a  keenin'  wrang, 
To  step  aside  is  human. — Burns 

691  The  i  hild  is  father  of  the  man. — Wordsworth 

692  To  all,  to  each,  a  fair  good-night, 

And  pleasing  dreams,  and  slumbers  light. — Scott 


—83— 

693  Beyond  this  vale  of  tears 

There  is  a  life  above, 
Unmeasured  by  the  flight  of  years, 

And  all  that  life  is  lcve. — Montgomery 

694  A  mother  is  a  mother  still, 

The  holiest  thing  alive. — Coleridge 

695  Love  is  indestructible, 

Its  holy  flame  forever  burneth; 
From  heaven  it  came,  to  heaven  returneth. — Southey 

696  .   To  live  in  hearts  we  leave  behind 

Is  not  to  die.— Campbell 

697  Good  at  a  fight,  but  better  at  play; 
Godlike  in  giving,  but  devil  to  pay. — Moore 

698  I  was  born  an  American;  I  will  live  an  American;    I    shall 

die  v.n  American. — Webster 

699  Oh  wad  some  power  the  giftie  gie  us 

To  see  oursel's  as  others  see  us! 
It  wad  frae  monie  a  blunder  free  us, 
And  foolish  notion. — Burns 

700  Wisdom  is  oft-times  nearer  when  we  stoop 
Than  when  we  soar. — Wordsworth 

701  For  God's  sake  give  me  the  young    man    who    has    brains 

enough  to  make  a  fool    f  himself. — Stevenson 

702  Man's  love  is  of  man's  life  a  thing  apart; 
'Tis  woman's  whole  existence. — Byron 

7C3  Unblemish'd  let  me  live,  or  die  unknown; 

O  grant  an  honest  fame,  or  grant  me  none. — Pope 

704  All  human  history  attests 
That  happii.ess  for  man, — the  hungry  sinner! — 

Since  Eve  ate  apples,  much  depends  on  dinner. — Byron 

705  The  modest  front  of  this  small  floor, 

Believe  me,  reader,  can  say  more 
Than  many  a  braver  marble  can, — 

"Here  lies  a  truly  honest  man!" — Crashaw 

706  The  common  curse      of    mankind, — folly    and    ignorance. 
— Shakespeare 

707  111  habits  gather  by  unseen  degrees, — 

As  brooks  make  rivers,  rivers  run  to  seas. — Dryden 

708  When  Earth's  last  picture    is  painted,  and    the    tubes    are 

•  twisted  and  dried, 
When  the  oldest  colours  have    faded,    and    the    youngest 

critic  has  died, 
We  shall  rest,  and  faith,  we  shall  need    it — lie    down    for 

an  aeon  or  two, 
Till  the  Master  of  All  Good  Workmen  shall  set  us  to  work 

anew. — Kipling 


